WARNING- some graphic and personal stuff here, so remember I am just being honest for you. I would love to not let you know but I need to tell someone. Please don't hate me.
I went to the park today and I saw this guy walking across the field. I thought he looked a bit like Harry- this guy I used to hang out with in the village. This really scared me for some reason.
I've started to remember all of this stuff.
I was 14, Dan was 16 and had just left school, Harry was 15.
I was doing latin in the park, and Harry asked me what the hell I was doing. I had a go at explaining but failed- he took my iPod out of the dock and chose a song before putting it back in again. Then he introduced me to Dan. I had never seen/talked to these boys before then.
Soon they came to pick me up from my house in the evening. (I think it was actually the following evening.) And I started to go out and go down to the park with them.
They talked about stuff I had never heard about before, sexual stuff. I just listened and pretended to get it. Eventually Dan decided he loved me, he told me and told me me masturbated over me every night. I didn't even really get what that entailed. But I didn't like the idea of it.
They always talked about sex, about what they wanted to do to me. Then Dan said we had to play poker. I'd never played before, and I'd never watched anyone play so I didn't know how it worked. We played a couple of rounds, so I could get used to it, but they played by their own rules (having subsequently played I understand now they just told me false rules so they would win.) Then they told me that after a few rounds poker meant I had to either give them money or take off my clothes. I said I didn't have any money. Soon I was pretty much in my underwear next to the road that goes through my village. Harry ran off and got entirely naked, he said he wanted to have sex with me. I was made to take off my bra and stood just in knickers next to this road. Harry touched by breasts and Dan just watched, he only ever touched me when I had a bra on.
This really scared me and I didn't know what to do. I had never had someone do anything like that to me before. The next night I hid in my house, I said I was having a shower, they waited for me then talked about what I would have looked like in the shower for a bit. They asked me if I had masturbated for them, I told them that I never had.
When they knew this they had the most fun. They would ask me every night if I had yet, I told them I hadn't and they told me this made me weird. They told me that no guy would ever want a girl who couldn't do that to herself. They told me I should have done it by 14. They would pressure me every night. Dan began to ask me to touch him. I refused, and as far as I remember I never touched him.
Eventually, I gave in and one night I told them that I had tried it (though I hadn't) and they asked me a lot of questions.
I didn't know what the answers to these questions were and so they knew that I was lying.
It got more persistant, they had my phone number and would text me most days to ask if I had done it yet.
So one day, in the bath, I did it. It felt so dirty, so wrong. I had to do it, I needed them to stop asking, they told me if I didn't do it at home I would have to do it for them. So I told them that night I had done it. This made everything worse, they started to pressure me into sex. Dan would tell me he was going to take me up to his room and have sex with me. He took a photo of me once and told me he would masturbate to it every night.
After that first time, I have only ever tried to pleasure myself twice. I cried both times and had to hurt myself afterwards, I felt so dirty. Needless to say, neither time was pleasurable.
So they would push me for sex and asked me to get naked for them most nights. I didn't want to and so just refused to play their game of poker. Then they both started to run up to me, hold me still put their hands up my shirt and feel my breasts, one time I was so scared and just wanted it to stop that I managed to kick Harry between his legs and, in pain, he dropped me and I ran out of the park. I had hardly made it a few metres down the road before they caught me and dragged me back to the park. Dan held me still whilst Harry whipped the backs of my legs with a stick. It bled a little.
I never tried to run away again.
Soon Dan took me into his house when his Dad and his Dad'd girlfriend were out and he made me play poker with him. This time I was more reluctant and managed to keep my bra. Had his kitchen not caught fire at this moment I suspect he would have made me have sex with him. Thank God however, the joint of meat put in the oven at about 2 had burnt to a crisp and the top two floors of his house were filled with a thick black smog. I dressed quickly and left via the back door of his house.
After that day I was too scared to answer the door to them, on occasion they would enter my house uninvinted and find me, where ever I had been hiding.
The last time I saw either of them was about a week before Dan left for the Army and Harry moved house. They didn't touch me, Harry told me I was dirty and a posh slag then threw my phone (which was the 2nd phone I had ever been trusted with) into a puddle.
I'm sorry.
Does this make me broken?
It does make sense though.
1. I cut on my x.
2. I cry sometimes when Will touches me, if I don't concentrate on the fact it is him touching me I think I am being raped.
3. When I was really drunk at the end of the exams party I was happy to touch Mark, I did whatever he asked me to but I refused to let him touch me at all. He said he 'wanted to pleasure me' and I told him it couldn't ever give me pleasure. I let large groups of people feel my breasts that night too, that seemed like normal but I couldn't let them touch me down there. I was drunk enough to have let them, but I didn't. It felt wrong.
I'm sorry.
I don't even know if this counts.
I didn't even remember it until tonight. I feel sick
