Contains sexual abuse - (URGENT, sorry. )Living with memories of abuse. I need help coping.
I'm struggling with graphic memories of abuse. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. But I typed it all out in this hide box. It's graphic. It's the memories I recovered about a year ago. I need help, support, whatever. I hope someone is able to read but I understand if not.
I'm disgusting. I'm ashamed of what I'm about to say. But I need to get it out of my head. I hope someone can reply.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : SA trigger warning
I remember. I do. I didn't but I do now. I was talking with E and it came jumping back into my head. About a year ago. And the feeling of dread and disgust still sits in my stomach.
The 'special milk' they'd give me. It always made me feel happy and relaxed and like nothing was wrong. I know now it was drugged. I was five years old. I remember vividly them discussing giving it to be because I kept crying when they raped me. Apparently that didn't make for good pictures. I rmember the flashes. The camera. Focus on the camera. Not what they're doing. Not their hands on my body, inside me. Not them on top of me, crushing me with their beer bellies and sticking breath. Smoke. They smelled like ash. Ash and leather. To this day that smell fills me with horror. I smoke occasionally myself, both out of enjoyment and conditioning. I'm trying to associate that smell with positive things not horrific memories.
I remember them dressing me up. I remember them tying me up. My hands bound and legs pinned. So I wouldn't squirm whilst they hurt me. Even as a child I was a fighter, and even though I was terrified they'd kill me like they said I was a fighter. I kicked and screamed and begged and fought back. At least for a little while. Then I just accepted my fate. No one was coming.
I used to pray my dad would wake up and come rescue me. He was passed out cold. High as a kite on drugs I didn't know the names of. He was sick. I don't blame him for not saving me. He was as much a victim of them as I was. They kept him high and addicted so they could abuse me. They sold pictures of me to other pedophiles. It sickens me that they're still out there. I want to work for the police but what if I end up working exploited children and come across a picture of myself? I don't know how I'd handle that.
I'm scared. Of my mind. Of my memories. Of doing this trauma work and uncovering more of this. But I can't keep living with this inside my head. I know no one will read this because I put it in a hide with a TW but I really need to talk about it with someone. Someone who can handle the topic. Someone who won't be disgusted by me and what I've done.
Because I've done some disgusting things. Sometimes not even forced. I remember being about 7 and deliberately seducing a man and sucking his penis because I wanted to make him happy so he wouldn't leave. He was nice to me. He spoke kindly and gave me sweets and he never raped me so it never physically hurt. When I heard the cars pull up I used to pray it was him. But to actually actively do that to please him. I'm disgusting. I'm a whore. A child whore. I can't live with myself.
Last edited by Bellatrix : 12-07-2016 at 12:15 AM.
You are not a whore. You never were.
It wasn't your fault.
You got conditioned to express certain things in a sexual way.
You were a kid who's only idea of how to interact with men and how to make them like you were based on how a group of pedophiles treated you.
You were taught that you're a “good girl“ when you do sexual things. Kids don't know better than they are thaught. You weren't old enough to understand or judge those teachings.
A seven year old can't seduce a grown man. Just think about it and imagine it's anyone but you. Would you hold them responsible?
No. It was up to that man, he was in charge of the situation. A seven year old cannot MAKE a grown man engage in sexual acts with them.
You didn't do anything wrong. A lot of wrong has been done to you.
Keep talking here if it helps.
Silence has never helped anyone heal.
I love you. I think you're wonderful.
You are not the one to blame.
But h was a nice man. He never really forced m to do anything. He geuninly believed we had a relationship and I went along with it because if h was with me the other men weren't. I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to spend time with him. That's disgusting. I'm disgusting.
I remember the things thy usd to do to me. Rape, physical hurt and beatings. ONly whre it couldn't be seen.
I@m struggling with flashbacks and I know if I sleep I'll have nighmared again. I'm scard to go to sleep.
I want to talk about what happened to me but I don't know where to start. I don't even remembr the beginning. The earliest memories I have I was 5. What if stuff happend before then? I don't remmeber.
I need to talk to J about it but I'm scared he'll be disgusted by me. I can't tll him verthing, not yet at least. BUt I need to tll him about the Traumatic Strss Clinic if I get refrred. He knows I had 'abuse' as a kid but not details.
Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Multiple men raped and touched m when I was a child. My 'grndfather' tried to have sex with m whe I was a teenager. I was raped when I was 19. What's next?What am I doing wrong?
I'm so scared lana. I don't know what to do. I fel sick. I feel digusting. I cna't stand my body and being inside it. I just want this to stop.
I believe you whn you say it wasn't my fault. BUt I still think t was because they spent years telling me it was and I cna't just undo that.
Breathe.
One thing at a time. You can't work through it all in one go.
Terrible people have done terrible things to you. It will take a lot of time and hard work to heal from the abuse. But I believe you can do it. Because, as you said, you're a fighter.
If H genuinely believed that you were in an acceptable relationship than he was sick and twisted. Pedophilia is an illness, people who are sexually attracted to children are not good people to trust or believe. Bottom line, he held certain believes and brain washed you to buy into them. That's easy to do to any seven year old and has nothing whatsoever to do with who you are. He saw the opportunity and took advantage of you.
You performed sexual acts on him because it was safer than not to be with him. Your survival instinct made you pick the lesser of two evils. You tried to avoid pain and hurt. That doesn't mean you wanted it. Just you wanted the other men even less.
Is there anything you can do to feel calmer and safer? Just for right now.
Remind yourself you're safe now. Tell yourself where you are and that noone can hurt you now.
Maybe do something grounding as I think this level of distress probably increases your risk to dissociate.
You don't have to decide right now what or when to tell J.
You can think about that when you're not quite so distressed.
For tonight focus on doing whatever helps you to feel safe.
Remind yourself that feelings are NOT facts.
Feeling guilty doesn't mean you are. Feeling it was your fault but also understanding on some level it wasn't doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong by feeling guilty.
It's okay to feel whatever way you feel, but feelings are not fact.
I don't know why things kept happening to you. I understand though it's distressing and making you feel like it has anything to do with who you are or that it says something about you.
It doesn't.
Sorry it takes me so long to reply, I'm on my phone and that slows me down.
I called but I couodn't tell what she was saying because I was too dissociated. I think she was supportive. I ended the call anyway.
I wish I didn't have this stupid neurological condition. i want to go to sleep but i can't until around 3/4am. I just want to day to end and hope tomorrow is better memorywise.
I want to die. I don't want to live with what they did to me.
I'm trying to calm myself and feel safr. I hae my rats out and a strong flavored drink and incnse burning. I'm trying to ground myself but I can feel their hands on me.
I feel sick.
What did I do that was so wrong? I@m so sorry. whatever i did I@m so sorry. Please make it stop.
You didn't do anything wrong.
THEY did. unfortunately, they are not the ones to take the damage.
Sounds like you're doing everything you can.
Have you removed everything dangerous in case you dissociate?
Sharp items, chemicals, meds, maybe your debit card so you can't buy anything?
Make them hard to get to if possible.
It's very important you keep going with trying to ground yourself.
Call Crisis again if you need to.
It's important you stay safe. Enough bad things have happened to you. You don't deserve to hurt even more.
I was little again and I was immobilized whilst they did bad things. I tried to scream but no sound would come out. Tir faces kpt bluring and morphing into scary faces.
That sounds really scary and hard to deal with.
Remember you are safe now, I know it doesn't make it go away, but it's good to know it's not gonna happen again.
I hope you manage at least a bit of a nap.
You have a long day coming and need some rest.
I don't know.
I understand it's terrifying and scary.
But whether you're scared of it right now or not will not influence whether or not it might happen again.
It's like a cow‘s opinion (is it ever not appropriate to quote Friends ?)
Can you do some self soothing activities?
Maybe if you're gonna have to do so many things when tired you can at least feel a bit less distressed.
I'm going to have a bath and relax in bed. I'm talking to J and I get the feeling he wouldn't be ok with me telling him stuff. I think it'd freak him out to know what was done to m/what I've done.
