Is this abusive behavior

[Oleander]

I'm having a hard time presently trying to put everything together and I haven't been eating much because all I can taste is salt and dirt and I don't feel very in control and I want a reminder that my body is mine and I wan't to be ugly so no one will want me.

[OmegaWolf86]

Nobody has a right to do anything to your body that you don't consent to, nobody has a right to ask you to perform sexual favors in return for anything.

You do fit in with your group. Your experience was just different. I have a theory sort of based on my own experience: You had been abused to a point where you were so used to it that maybe the sexual stuff was just so "par for the course" that the shock didn't hit you until later. Does that make sense? Hopefully I'm being helpful here... Not sure how to put my thoughts into words.

Either way, your body is yours and you have a right to feel safe.

[Oleander]

If society values it so much, then why didn't anyone help me when I told? Why did the teachers in high school act like I was a bad person?

I know they didn't think rape existed but I wasn't really an adult yet. Even if I did it, why didn't they stop it?

I didn't mean to be a bad person.

I saw some pictures of me when I was younger. Why does it always feel like it's not me and I'm looking at something bad?

[OmegaWolf86]

Epic - that post actually answers a few of the questions I had a bout my past. It makes sense. People don't want to believe that the world isn't the way they thought it is.

Oleander - you weren't and aren't a bad person. I feel that way too sometimes, felt that way all the time back then. Im only just now starting to try and tell myself thats not true.

[Oleander]

When I look at pictures of myself when I was younger it doesn't look like me. I have trouble recognizing myself in those pictures. When I do recognize myself, I feel like I'm looking at something disgusting - sort of like child porn except the pictures I'm talking about are in no way pornographic. It's a whole lot of gross icky feelings.

What you said about people wanting it to not have happened makes a lot of sense, except it's still rather hurtful for it to have happened.

[OmegaWolf86]

That's rough. You associate your child self with the things that were done to you so seeing yourself triggers the same feelings. I'm sorry your hurting *hugs if its OK*

[Oleander]

That does make sense, but it also makes me feel odd when I look at pictures of other people as children. I know that they don't feel that way but I wonder how they don't have trouble recognizing themselves because they look so different then and now.