How do you deal with your "support system" being angry with you?
I am in a pretty bad place right now. My self-esteem has tanked completely. I have final exams next week and I have to do well on all of them, and I doubt I will.
My dog is also having problems - he's fear reactive in a major way, and after months of training hasn't made much improvement so I scheduled a second opinion with a woman who does behavior modification but is also a vet so can prescribe medication if need be. She needed bloodwork from my vet, which my vet refused to provide, and my family is shaming me in a major way for even considering the use of meds on him. It's something I'm afraid of too -- I'm concerned about side effects -- but I want the opinion of someone with experience, which is why I'm doing the consult. There's no guarantee she'll suggest meds anyway.
But, my family keeps saying "he's fine", despite the fact that he has major, major meltdowns and when I move out in a year there is no way, in his current state, he could come with me. They are also constantly angry and frustrated with his behavior, my brother wants to get him a shock collar, (which I will NOT do) so I'm not sure why they think he's "fine".
They also can't understand why this is so stressful for me -- he's "just a dog" after all.
Anyway, I got home last night and just lost it. I was already in a bad place but when I found out that the vet refused to take blood it was just the final straw. I was crying, hyperventilating, and trying so, so hard not to SH. My mother came home and tried to sit with me, but she couldn't fathom why I was so upset by "such little things" and was just sure there was something else and/or it was hormonal. Then, because I 'wouldn't calm down' she got mad at me and left.
I feel so frustrated, so confused, and so alone. I am so afraid of messing up, of making mistakes. I went to sleep and hoped that it would help, but it didn't - I still feel awful this morning.
I've had terrible anxiety for years, with highs and lows and have in the past seen counselors about it through my school. I don't often have big meltdowns like this, but attacks in general aren't terribly uncommon however my family doesn't really know about them. My mother kept saying that she was worried and trying to help, but even when I tried to talk to her she just got angry and left....I'm just not sure what that means.
It sounds like your mum had good intentions of supporting you but didn't understand the severity of your feelings and what would be a helpful response. I'm sorry she left frustrated, that would have been really difficult at a time when you're already so upset.
Have you ever spoken to her about what *is* helpful for you? Like not judging the reason for your distress, not needing to find solutions, but just sitting with you? Some people need clear guidelines, or instructions even, on how to support. But then, some people are not receptive to this so it's something you have to think about as you know her.
Regardless of her response I understand why this is having such a toll on you and I'm sorry your dog is unwell and the vet isn't helping you out. Your reaction is understandable when a dog is like a family member, they are important and we have emotional connections to them. I hope things improve for you both.
As for you I hope you can take it easy and do some self care, rest, and recover.
It sounds like your mum had good intentions of supporting you but didn't understand the severity of your feelings and what would be a helpful response. I'm sorry she left frustrated, that would have been really difficult at a time when you're already so upset.
Have you ever spoken to her about what *is* helpful for you? Like not judging the reason for your distress, not needing to find solutions, but just sitting with you? Some people need clear guidelines, or instructions even, on how to support. But then, some people are not receptive to this so it's something you have to think about as you know her.
Regardless of her response I understand why this is having such a toll on you and I'm sorry your dog is unwell and the vet isn't helping you out. Your reaction is understandable when a dog is like a family member, they are important and we have emotional connections to them. I hope things improve for you both.
As for you I hope you can take it easy and do some self care, rest, and recover.
Thank you. The challenge is that I hide a lot of my struggles from her so this is one of the first times she has seen me "melt down" so badly.
We had a conversation about the dog and she seemed more responsive. I think her thought process is that he's fine, and he's a very sweet and funny dog, but he needs extra help. A second opinion is a good idea. Unfortunately I'm going to have to go somewhere else to have the bloodwork done, and it's soured my relationship with my current vet. I've always liked her in the past, but I'm not happy with her right now.
Anyway. One thing at a time. I've got finals. I've got the dog. I've got terrible self esteem. It's all hitting at once and that makes it really, really hard but I'm trying. I'll just do my best and see what happens.
I had finals last week, and it only seems to make everything worse. I've had issues with my dog too, so I can really relate.
Just try to take it one thing at a time, and try to make sure you get some time to relax in between, if you can. It sounds like you're doing the right thing with regard to seeing what your options are for your dog. I'm extremely surprised your vet wouldn't do bloodwork for you! I've never heard of something like that. Could you ask the woman you are getting the consult from if there is a vet she could recommend?
Thinking of you.
Thank you. You're right: one thing at a time.
My current vet had "reasons" for not doing it - she said it wouldn't be worth the cost, that he was probably just "being protective", that he just needed a "job", and that he wasn't severe enough to need medications.
He's not protective, he's scared. It's also funny that she commented on his severity, considering she hasn't seen him in over a year and he had to be sedated on this trip in to even get him in the door. Yeah, a half-asleep dog doesn't really seem that bad, does it?
Thing is, the woman I'm going to be working with doesn't just hand out meds like candy. She also helps to set up a positive behavior modification, she considers alternative options (pheromones, thundershirts, etc.) and only uses meds if she thinks they're absolutely necessary -- and not always permanently. I don't know what my dog needs, which is why I'm asking a professional.
But, I feel like now the relationship with my current vet is completely soured, which is sad since she's been our family vet for over 20 years. The good news is that I live in a college town with a vet school, so there are quite a few vets as well as the school itself: I'm sure I'll be able to find someone to take the blood. I just have to speak with the other woman about it, which of course kicks my anxiety in high gear since I told her I'd have it for her by this Friday and makes me feel like a bit of a wimp for not getting it.
Also, my final starts in about an hour and I'm terrified. I'm very afraid for all of them, as I have to do well, even though I tell myself it'll be okay regardless.
Take it one final, one thing at a time. Does making lists help at all? I find if I have a lot on and I make a list of it all that it is very satisfying to tick things off and watch the list get smaller.
Can you contact her and say it is finals week so you are busy, could she recommend a vet to go to and you can do it next week? I am sure she would understand. I know when I told people it was finals week they were immediately more understanding of things.
You can do this.
Thank you. Finals are over!
List making helps sometimes, but if the items on the list feel impossible I struggle.
I have found a different vet practice to make an appointment with, if she recommends it. If I like them, I may just switch to using them entirely.
Anyway, today's the day! She's coming in about 10 minutes and I am so, so, so, so, so nervous. I keep telling myself I've felt this nervous/afraid/awkward before and I will again. I just have no idea what to expect and that is terrifying for me. Fingers crossed things go smoothly.
Update: it was kind of a disaster. The woman made a bunch of nasty comments about my older, 12 year old dog being overweight (she's obviously not as active as she used to be).
Anything that she said regarding my reactive dog was either something I already knew from my trainer (whom I adore) or something I flat-out disagreed with based on my own research, what has worked for my dog in the past, and my trainer's recommendations.
I was hoping for more of a medical opinion, but I didn't really get it. She just said his problems were clearly fear, not neurological, and then dosed out the insults and bad advice. Honestly, it went way worse than I expected it to.
I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. I feel like I put my little guy through a lot of stress for nothing. I feel like I can't help him if even a vet can't give me a decent opinion. Maybe I'm chasing an answer that doesn't exist. Right now I'm just fighting back tears.
We actually went on a hike, and it did help some. I'm especially frustrated, not only because she was so nasty, but also because I paid her $250 as part of a package including this consult plus two follow up visits, and I'm not so sure I want to schedule the follow ups now.
I'm going to work on a few things myself with him and then maybe ask a different vet's opinion in the spring. But, I'll just play it by ear.
And thanks. :) Now I just have to wait and see what my grades look like!
Well done for getting through finals! Sorry the appointment with your dog didn't go well.
Trying some things yourself and then maybe getting another opinion in the spring sounds like a good plan. Have you ever looked for stuff online? I imagine there are websites where dog-owners share ideas for managing symptoms for a whole variety of issues so you might be able to get some ideas from there?
I'm actually a member of another forum that is really supportive and helpful when it comes to suggestions. There are a couple of users there who think it's absolutely insane to "mollycoddle" a dog so much -- which I honestly don't do, I just try to keep him feeling safe and happy. But, I ignore those users; thankfully they are in the majority (honestly they don't really seem like dog people, so I have no idea what they're doing in the forum).
I'm feeling a little bit better now; my moods tend to go up and down and all over the place. I plan to just see how it all unfolds. I'm really lucky in that if for whatever reason when I move I can't take him with me, he has a perfectly happy home to remain in. At least there's that.
So, I continue on my road to self-acceptance and not panicking every minute about my future. I feel like I have all this optimism for my life and then reality sets in and I freak out that I will never get going, never become independent. I guess I'm not the only one; it seems to be a part of life.
