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Insecure about body hair
I've always been really insecure about my body, particularly my body hair. I know this is kind of gross, and, honestly, it's really hard for me to write about this (let alone talk about it irl), so just bear with me.
I'm a woman with dark brown hair. Even when I was little, I always had darker, thicker hair on my arms, legs, and lower back than any other girl I knew (or any of the boys, at the time). I absolutely hated it. I knew it was different, but people were oh-so-kind-enough to point it out anyway. When I was in maybe 4th or 5th grade, a kid I'd never met asked me on the bus ride home if I was the "Ape Girl" he'd heard about, because she had hairy arms.
After that incident, my parents got me a consultation with an electrolysis technician. I knew it would be really expensive, so I let her convince me to try other methods first. I started shaving my legs and I tried a variety of products on my arms (Nair, bleach, etc.). Since then I've shaved my legs almost everyday. I get genuinely pissed off when blonde girls talk about how they haven't shaved in weeks and feel "hairy". If I go more than a day or two without shaving my legs look like a man's face when he's got that "sey stubble". Trust me, it's not so sexy on me (Google image "sexy stubble" it's accurate). So instead, I spend 20 minutes in the shower every. single. day. shaving everything waist-down (plus armpits, of course).
It doesn't just make me feel self-conscious to skip shaving, I feel to-my-core uncomfortable. I feel disgusting. I feel inhuman.
I gave up on my arms because none of the methods I mentioned were reliable or even remotely affordable on a regular basis. My arms literally look like a man's and it makes me almost sick to my stomach if I think about it too much. But there's still not a day that goes by that it doesn't go through my head at least once. One of the things I worry about is getting married and having that be all people see. I actually told my boyfriend I'm not getting married before I can save up for electrolysis once and for all.
I just kind of wanted to get that out. I never really feel like I can with people I know. I've discussed it with my boyfriend a little bit, but even that was uncomfortable and difficult. One time, my 3rd grade teacher asked us what we'd all change about ourselves if we could. My best friend said she wished both her eyes were the same color. My teacher went on about how her eyes were beautiful and how that was one of the things she loved about her. Feeling confident, I raised my hand and said I wished my legs and arms were less hairy. My teacher's response?
"Okaaaay...?" followed by a nervous laugh. (Which, I get, okay? I know it was a weird thing to say, but I was 8.)
That was pretty much the first and last time I ever brought up the subject on my own. (Until now, I guess).
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