Done my coping mechanisms now what?

[chinahorse]

Nope. You have to be referred to them. And I dont feel ad bad as actual crisis. Just very much like I'm drowning. I dont think their involvement would be helpful with work and stuff. I'd see it as yet another demand on me.

I'm so frustrated. I really needed to cut last night. But boots hadnt ordered my dressings in so I couldn't self harm in that way. And now a friend is staying in my house for 2 weeks so self harm by cutting will have to be secretive and I havent done that in years. And irgh. I need to cut to stop other things and other stuff and it's the only thi g keeping me functioning and now even that's hard.

[Unbreakable.]

That does sound unreasonably frustrating & like you have tough choices to make to try and keep going.

I'm sorry you're so alone in this.

How are you doing?

Love you ❤

[chinahorse]

I feel like Im drowning in life. Crumbling apart. Im trying so hard but Im struggling so much.

[Unbreakable.]

Is there anything we can do for you?

It's okay if you don't know.
We'll sit here with you as long as you want to.

Love you ❤

[chinahorse]

I dont know, Im struggling so much and I feel so ridiculously overwhelmed and alone.

I feel abandoned by MH services. And that no one cares if I die. Which I know is logically not true but it hurts. I called a friend after SH this week instead of making the SH worse and thats the first time Ive ever done that.

I feel there are nothing but demands on me to do more than I can.

I am utterly exhausted and in a fibromyalgia flare but having to keep going.

[Unbreakable.]

I'm sorry you're feeling lonely & abandoned.
That must hurt a lot.

Is there any way to complain about your MH team and force them into action?
You are probably quite tired of their constant bullsh*t by now.

I'm really proud you managed to call your friend. ❤

Is calling in sick at is feasible option?

[one_step_closer]

Why do you 'have' to keep going. It sounds like your body and your mind need a rest and you have the right to ask for it. Don't push too much.

[chinahorse]

Thanks for the support.

I went to work and worked all day with an horrific migraine. Its finally subsided now. And I'm on the way home.

I have to keep going because there is no other option.

[Unbreakable.]

How are you?

Sending love <3

[chinahorse]

Bad. Evil. Alone.

[nonperson]

Lillie, I don't know what to say that would help at all but want you to know you're not alone. I know you don't post much nowadays but I think of you often. <3

[Unbreakable.]

You're definitely not bad or evil.
Do you want to talk about why you're feeling that way?

[chinahorse]

Dunno what to say. I want help. I feel rubbish. Barely coping. Insanely overwhelmed.

But I'm ok. I just about function. I'm ok.

Theres screaming all the time.

[Unbreakable.]

Is there anyone who would chase up your "team" on your behalf?
Anyone who could give them a call and yell at them for a bit?
Your GP or psychiatrist maybe?

You deserve so much better.

[chinahorse]

They will blame everything in me. They always always do. Psychiatrist is part of the so called team.

I was being assessed for a therapy. He tried chasing my cpn. Cpn didnt get in touch at all.

[chinahorse]

Want to curl up with my cat and ignore the world forever and ever. Its all too much.

[EyelinerAndCigarettes]

I'm sorry you're in so much pain <3 Can you curl up with the kitty cat tonight and watch a movie or something like it? Be kind to yourself whenever possible x

[chinahorse]

Thank you. I slept hard last night and it didnt help much. My body feels like its failing. And without wanting to sound dramatic I dont want to be 29 and stuck in a body that doesnt work until I die. It is so painful even breathing today. I walked to the coop and my knees gave way twice.

I have a meeting on essentially a zoom thing with the person Ive been having an assessment for a therapy service with. Havent had any contact with them or anyone else professional in about a month. Im dreading it. I dont think I can cope with someone saying Im doing well because Im still going and dismissing how bloody hard this is.

And I have an MRI later this week. And blood tests. And a phone call about it next week. And that all feels too much.

And work keeps pressurising me to do late nights above what Im contracted for. I said no repeatedly and now am being made to feel guilty about it by the head nurse. I signed a contract for 40 hours. I wouldnt have signed it if it'd been 42. Never mind that I work for free for at least 40 minutes every day. And I have a chronic health disease that she knows about. Grrr. Never mind the issue of my coursework or the fact she called me a bully.

I just feel like a pressure cooker.

[chinahorse]

I feel so overwhelmed and suicidal and theres no one to call professional or otherwise. And I cant do this. I cant.