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Old 31-12-2016, 09:44 PM   #1
Wonderland.
 
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About To Burst.

I feel horrid. A lot of anxiety and anger.
Really not a good mix.
So so irritable.
Heads full to bursting.
I feel I'm going crazy.
Got urges tocut my neck.
Let the evil out.
It won't go away.
I'm scared.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 31-12-2016, 10:32 PM   #2
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Call someone if you are seriously going to hurt yourself. Try writing, drawing, coloring. Doing something you like to do.

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Old 31-12-2016, 11:44 PM   #3
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Is there someone you can call or speak to? You don't have any evil in you. I promise.
I understand how distressing anxiety is. Try take it easy and reach out for help.

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Old 01-01-2017, 03:24 PM   #4
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Thank you lovelys.

I managed to find some of my old PRN and was able to get some much needed sleep after a while.

Still feeling quite bad but think I may call OOH in a bit and see if they can get the Promethazine back as PRN as currently I have nothing other than Propranolol which only helps with the physical side of the anxiety. And I need something more on top of using my coping skills to help the mental side of things alongside the anger which I find so hard to deal with. Otherwise I'm so scared things are going to spiral majorly.

I don't know if they can do this and it's terrifying to ask but I don't want to end up back in hosp.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 01-01-2017, 03:44 PM   #5
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I'm glad you got some sleep.
Maybe phoning OOH would be a good idea. I understand it's terrifying, but they may be able to help or come up with some plan of action. Do you have people around you who you can talk to and can help you get through this?

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Old 01-01-2017, 04:57 PM   #6
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Not many useful words right now but thinking of you and sending so much love and hugs your way, I know you can get through this.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 01-01-2017, 06:11 PM   #7
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Thanks both of you <3

I'm seeing a friend tomorrow so I can talk to her about things. But no one other than that to talk to face to face until my CC comes back of leave which is weds I think.

I think I do need some sort of plan as from some point tomorrow I'll no longer have the family dog to look after as a distraction as the family will be back off their hols. And that has really been the only thing that has kept me from doing anything daft.

But I'm just scared if OOH are totally useless... or I lose it at them because of my anger.

But I also know I can't stay this way either. It's just so arghh because I've been having full on dissasocitive episode again which makes me feel really uneasy and is a warning sign because it only happen when I'm mega stressed, but only stresses me more.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 01-01-2017, 08:19 PM   #8
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On the other hand OOH might not be useless and may be able to help. I know it's frustrating because you don't know who you'll speak to, but it may well be someone who can help. Do you think you can contact your cc on Wednesday?

It's good that you are seeing your friend tomorrow and can have a talk. Is there anything you could plan for now and Tuesday to keep yourself distracted? Sorry, I know distractions don't always work and can be a frustrating suggestion, but maybe something small you could do?

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Old 01-01-2017, 10:48 PM   #9
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Just tried to phone them, it went to answerphone they must be busy. This seems like as sign.

I feel so panicky.




'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 01-01-2017, 11:26 PM   #10
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Did you leave a message? Keep trying to phone them. It's not a sign. They just probably happen to be busy.

I understand the panicky feeling and know how horrible it is. It will pass though, but keep reaching out for help to get you through this.

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Old 02-01-2017, 02:47 AM   #11
Buttons.
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I doubt it's a sign lovely, this time of year is tough for a lot of people so they are unfortunately bound to be more busy than usual. I would suggest keep trying and leave a message.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 02-01-2017, 02:06 PM   #12
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I saw my friend but didn't tell her, she was so happy I didn't want to put on her. But I feel better today anyway, we had a lovely walk were out for about an hour an a half and was just what I needed. I feel quite refreshed for it.

I'll see how I go today, but if still struggling tonight I can call whoever is on duty tomorrow as the CMHT will be back open. I much prefer speaking to them than OOH, they seem more helpful for some reason.

Thank you for your reassurance guys xx



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 02-01-2017, 02:13 PM   #13
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I completely understand. I'd rather speak to cmht than OOH. But it's still good to know you have the option.
I'm glad your walk with your friend did you some good.

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Old 02-01-2017, 05:16 PM   #14
Buttons.
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So glad about the walk being positive :)

Also (also no idea why) know that the CMHT etc I've often found personally and also with many other people I've known more helpful than HT...whatever the reason seems like a poa.



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 04-01-2017, 07:33 PM   #15
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Hey lovely,

How are you doing? I hope you're feeling a little better, or you managed to call someone.

I know I've been MIA for ages, but I am always around for a chat - feel free to message me on FB if you need someone to talk to/get through this with, or message me your number and I can text/call.

You're amazing lovely, and you can get through this. I hope you were able to talk to someone to get some support *massive hugs*

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 04-01-2017, 08:49 PM   #16
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Thanks all of you!

I slept through yesterday, must've really needed it! Called the CMHT today thinking my CC would be back in but she's not in till tomorrow. But as I'll be up at the CMHT tomorrow to see my ED nurse I thought rather than speak to duty I'll ring my CC tomorrow and speak to her and if she needs to see me in person I'll be up there.

Feeling a bit all over the place and urgy still. But think I can hold on till I see my CC.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 04-01-2017, 08:53 PM   #17
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You are doing really well with fighting this and tomorrow will come fast enough, so you'll be able to talk to someone then. I hope you get to talk to your cc.
I'm glad you got some sleep.

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Old 05-01-2017, 08:06 AM   #18
Buttons.
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You are being so brave lovely. And remember you have so much to look forward to *coughexchangingpressieswithanepicfriendandpossibl yDisneymonopolycough* just as a tiny example ;D



'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'

['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']

'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter


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Old 06-01-2017, 10:57 PM   #19
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Thank you guys <3

I talked to my CC yesterday, and saw her today. She said yesterday to phone the GPs and get them to put the Promethazine on my repeats. I haven't done it yet or picked up my meds either which I need in a day or two. But I got some news just after speaking to her, some bad news and now everythings just seems irrelevant. I also feel quite detached from things but I guess thats just my heads way of protecting me or something.

Another death has occurred. I'm numb. I need to be there for G.

My CC says I'm automatically going into "carer" role, rather than looking after myself. She was looking at me weird, like I was see through. It was odd.

I can't help go into that mode though and the only way I can help is to be there for certain people. I was feeling shit already, it was going to affect me either way, and I'd do the same if I wa not so low in mood. I'd do my best to help because I know what it feels like to lose a parent so young.

CC wants me to make a bag or box with sensory stuff to help ground myself, she mentioned having stuff for all the senses. Ideas on what to put in it are welcome.

I just feel like a shut jack-in-a-box.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 06-01-2017, 11:26 PM   #20
Fire Fly
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I'm sorry you've lost someone so young and also had another bereavement. Do you think it's possible to set about ten mins each day atleast to do self care to look after yourself as well as be there for other people. Something someone said to me was that I can't be therefor others if I'm not there for myself as well. So maybe take a bubble bath or paint your nails or pamper yourself. Just small things although you may think what's the point, you're giving yourself time to take things in and process things.

With regards to the sensory bag. I carry a small bag in my handbag and it's really good for when I'm starting dissociate or having flashbacks. I have for sight few small photographs like tiny ones and a pressed flower, for smell a small perfume tester a sweet one and a really pungent one (that's good for flashbacks and dissociation, hearing - I have little piece of paper guiding me through the steps on how to access a pre made playlist on my phone (I wrote steps because when you're in that moment it's hard to comprehend what's going on let alone sometimes think how to use a phone or if things are too crazy in your head it's nice just having some guidance), feeling- I have a small tub of play doh. If you pm me if you want to your address I can post you so play doh. I have loads. I also have a piece of paper of where I live, who I am, things that are important like what year it is- this helped me a lot when I dissociated and didn't know where I lived or what year it was. So I could ask people for directions.

Hope this helps a bit. Pm me and I can give more info or whatever. Hope you're okay lovely. We're all here for you xxx



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