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Old 12-11-2016, 07:29 PM   #1
Too Shy
 
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And then everything comes crashing down.

Things are falling to pieces.

A few months back I made the decision to die. A calm, matter-of-fact decision. I have been prepared, detailed, well-thought out, specific plans, I had no doubts at all.

A couple of weeks ago the thoughts intensified more and more as the date approached. And ultimately things reached crisis point. I now no longer have a job. They say my research skills and work is excellent but I am too poorly. On Friday night I was put on a Section 2. The Crisis Team said I was too high-risk for them in the community. My care coordinator had called the police on Tuesday because of concerns for my safety, and British Transport Police have apparently been so concerned that they have had an alert out for me for the last week to keep watch because they have been so concerned that I won't get home safely.

I was transferred from general hospital to my local mental health unit on Monday night, and they have been happy with progress. I was taken off section Thursday, on leave from yesterday until Monday and on Monday I am being discharged. I am massively struggling with my eating disorder so that is the main focus. But I have still been self-harming on the ward - they do not know - and since being home.

I still desperately, desperately want to die. But on a positive note, I don't have an active planned date now, and I am reminding myself it's just thoughts. I don't have to act on them. Being safe is the priority, and that's all I have to do for now. They say I need to rest. I am using distractions. And trying to plan self-care. I'm going to try and have a relaxed evening, watch a Christmas film and hide under my blanket.

I just feel so unbearably low. I can't describe it. I have lost the most positive thing in my life, everything is falling apart. I don't want to face the world. I don't want anything. I am so desperately desperately ashamed of myself. I am pathetic. A failure. A fat, ugly, greedy, selfish, thoughtless, stupid, incapable, useless, worthless waste of space. I despise myself. I loathe every fiber of my being and I disgust myself.










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Old 12-11-2016, 07:53 PM   #2
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I don't think you should call yourself those things at all. I know it is hard right now but i think you should try to be kind to yourself and to show empathy towards yourself. Truth is that you haven't had it easy for along, long time. But it is not your fault that you have ended up where you are now. Sometimes circumstances mean that we lose our footing and lose our focus and then unhealthy patterns suddenly start thriving. It is so much easier to hate and belittle yourself than it is to show compassion to yourself when things turn shitty. I have no idea how we have developed to be this way but it seems to be true for most of us.

You did not die. And you don't have to now. Thoughts can become compulsive in their nature and the more we try to escape them, the harder they seem to grab hold of us. it is okay to be here now and to be kind to yourself. It is okay if you don't know where to go from here. it is okay that you lost your job because the important thing for now is to get better, to learn to care for yourself again. You have been hating yourself for so long that is has become second nature to you. But it doesn't have to be like that. Ask yourself if you have really done any of the terrible things you accuse yourself of. Because what i see is a young girl who is trying her very best but finds herself lost and lonely.

If you truly were a terrible person then all these people who are trying to help you and keep you safe would not care. We can see something that you can't see right now, that you are a lovely person with a lot to offer and who is terribly hard on yourself. And you don't need to be hard on yourself. You don't need to punish yourself because you haven't done anything wrong!!!!! It is okay to struggle. And you suffered a terrible loss a relatively short time ago. And it is okay to not be over that. In fact, i don't think we ever truly get over terrible losses, we just learn to live with the grief.

Liv, please let them help you.Try to take care of yourself. Do things because you WANT to do them and not because you feel you should do them. Forget about all the expectations you have to yourself for a while. Don't hold back in an attempt to appear strong. Take the help. Allow yourself to use the help. Allow yourself to need it. It will be okay and no one will think any less of you. I think everyone can see how hard you're trying and it's admirable.

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Old 13-11-2016, 10:13 PM   #3
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How are you today Hun ? Xx

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Old 14-11-2016, 09:30 PM   #4
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Thank you.

I struggle so much with any form of self-compassion, self-forgiveness. I hate myself for even considering doing anything caring for myself. I'm trying so hard to do the things I need to do, I've just finished an 8-week Self-Compassion course and everything. But I despise myself. I truly cannot see anything worth caring about, anything worthwhile, nothing. I make myself shudder. I make my skin crawl.

I don't really know how I am. I'm trying to just focus on getting more well again. Trying to accept the help and to not let it build up. But I feel so detached from everything. Withdrawn. Isolated. I have this front on, like I'm acting like I'm positive and that I'm fine. But not. I'm so low I can't even put it into words, it is unbearable. I have so many thoughts, plans, I don't even know what. I just want to break down and just sob and sob and sob because I don't know what to do anymore.










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Old 14-11-2016, 09:59 PM   #5
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But why wouldn't you deserve kindness as much as anybody else???? Do you know where this hatred and despise came from????

What do you think others see when they look at you???? When you shut yourself off from everything that could be percieved as self care then you are bound to feel isolated and detached. And everything suddenly becomes a thousand times harder. What have you done that is so terrible that you must punish yourself over and over????? Most likely you haven't done anything that would warrant this amount of self hatred.

Keep reaching out. Keep talking. Even when it's hard and it seems pointless.

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Old 15-11-2016, 01:30 AM   #6
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Hugs I'm so sorry you struggle with self compassion you are so lovely and kind. I really hope you can accept the help offered . I'm so sorry I'm low on useful words.

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Old 16-11-2016, 10:28 AM   #7
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Thinking of you darling <3

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Old 23-11-2016, 12:56 PM   #8
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I'm so sorry to post again when I give barely any support on here at the moment.

I am just in such a horrible horrible low place in my head. I'm trying to act positive and do all the right things but then things just crash. My GP said this week he has never seen me this low and hopeless before. I am consumed by my eating disorder, restricting, purging, pacing, calories, weight, numbers, self-hatred, disgust, guilt, shame, plans, desperation.

I can't sleep. Insomnia is horrific. I am getting between 2-4 hours a night but waking up multiple times. I know it doesn't sound that bad but I am so exhausted. My eyes ache. I have no strength or energy, I just want to lie down and shut down.

I feel so alone and so low and so desperately unhappy.










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Old 23-11-2016, 01:16 PM   #9
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I'm sorry you're feeling so low lovely. You don't need to apologise for asking for support though - we all need support at times, and we all support back when we can, and even though we probably haven't spoken much before, I know you support a lot when you can.

It sounds like things are really desperate for you right now. Did your GP suggest any further support for you?

Please, try to keep talking here.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 23-11-2016, 02:44 PM   #10
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I'm so sorry you are this low and hurting so very much . Is an admission a possibility.

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Old 24-11-2016, 09:42 PM   #11
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Thank you.

A referral is being put through to both ED services and psychology, so that might be helpful maybe. But while I am alive I have no intention of stopping losing weight until I have lost enough.

I don't think an admission would help, but staying out of hospital is a good motivation/focus.

I have been researching a few methods the last couple of days. I have an idea and I desperately want to do it but I am trying so hard to fight and get well instead. I'm going to try to do some scrapbooking or writing or art to get everything out of my head. Reading some positive quotes and trying to take things one step at a time and focus on little things that I used to enjoy. Like going for walks, looking at the Christmas decorations, reading. I am so tired. My mind can't seem to cope with much more than that.










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Old 25-11-2016, 12:39 AM   #12
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Hugs I'm so sorry you are distressed Hun. I'm sorry I have no useful words.

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Old 25-11-2016, 01:24 PM   #13
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Hey,

I'm glad a referral has been put through for you. Did they give you any kind of timeline for how long it could take?

It's good you have motivation for staying out of hospital (provided it's a positive motivation).

Trying to keep your mind on little things you used to enjoy is really good. I always found it helpful to make things for other people - for example, you could make presents for people for Christmas - I don't know if that's the kind of thing that interests you, but it gave me motivation at my lowest.

It sounds like you have some good things to use when you're struggling, I hope they help.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 27-11-2016, 01:34 AM   #14
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For one, you are a great writer. I can sense your immense hurt just from your words. What you are feeling is real, and you have every right to feel. I am sorry you are in such a scary situation, but proud to hear that you want to try to feel better. I'm sending you extra stars to wish upon for your safety and well-being. You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy.



You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel.



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Old 27-11-2016, 04:04 PM   #15
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Hey,

How are things going lovely?

Thinking of you.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 27-11-2016, 06:29 PM   #16
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Thinking of you



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 27-11-2016, 07:14 PM   #17
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Love you pumpkin. If you wanna get out of the house and meet for coffee I'm free? <3




Imperfection is underrated.



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Old 27-11-2016, 07:21 PM   #18
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J - That would be good sometime, thank you. I am no longer in London because of losing work, but I can easily come up there, I still have my season ticket anyway.

Things have been about the same. I've been trying to keep things stable, so until today I hadn't self-harmed for 6 days, which is an improvement on recent weeks.

I'm bored out of my mind and so devastated to not have work anymore, it was the most positive thing in my life. But at the same time I can barely function throughout the day anyway. I am isolating myself and withdrawing but I just want to lie down and not move for hours. The people from where I worked keep saying I have good research skills, that I can apply again and could do good work there if my health improves. But I will always be me. And I will never be capable of anything because I will never ever be a good or worthwhile person.

The shame is overpowering and I do not know how to live with it. I wonder if maybe sometimes it is best to just accept that things are over. That I am just not compatible with life.










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Old 27-11-2016, 08:19 PM   #19
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Hey lovely,

I'm sorry things seem so hopeless right now. I know it might not seem like it but these things are just the depression speaking. Perhaps you could try putting that kind of thinking on hold, and try to accept that right now, an accept that an external viewpoint might have a more objective view of your skills than you right now?

I know how it feels to be told you're not able to work because of your mental health, and it may take some time but you will be at a point where you can work again. I never thought I'd be back to a full-time job after years off because of my depression, but I am, and you can to.

It sounds like work gave you a sense of purpose, and perhaps it would help to find something else to give you that sense. While I was off work I began mentoring teenagers who were struggling themselves, I'm not suggesting this right now, but it is something that might help in the future (or something similar). When I was at my lowest I did dog walking at my local shelter, it felt good that something was needing me to do something productive.

Sorry if this doesn't help, but I thought it might help to know someone had been in a similar position.

Well done for not self-harming for 6 days, that's really good :)

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 02-12-2016, 12:10 AM   #20
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Thank you. That does help, and I definitely need a sense of purpose. I've been trying to think about whether there'd be a chance for me to get into the career I've always wanted in the future. Not exactly what I always wanted, my history would rule me out. But research.

I haven't harmed myself properly still. I think I seem better. Just I don't want to be here. It just feels like the right time. Like maybe I'm just not meant to live as long as most people. I research it and read about it and imagine it. I just want it to happen.










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