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Old 16-11-2016, 05:29 PM   #1
Fire Fly
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I can't cope. I'm scared.

The flash backs won't stop. I can't cope. It's scaring me. I really want to cut or burn to let how I feel out. But I deserve to feel this way. He committed suicide because I tried to press charges. Therefoere it's my fault and I should pay.



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Old 17-11-2016, 09:17 AM   #2
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Hi love, you do NOT deserve to feel this way. You did nothing wrong.
He was the one that committed a crime. His suicide was not your responsibility.

Does anything usually help when the flashbacks are bad? Are you receiving any support at the moment?
xx

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Old 17-11-2016, 11:02 AM   #3
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I don't know. They just absorb me. Yesterday has been the worse day so far. I spoke to the nurse in charge on the ward I work on as he kept pestering me about what was wrong and told my manager. Who then spoke to me and rang my cc. She got worried and is seeing me at 11.

Just feel that if I didn't say anything when It happened (I was up at the time) and they didn't force me to go to the police he wouldn't of escaped and killed himself. I feel really bad and it's so heavy to carry this with me.

I feel so sad and low and suicidal. I hate this. I don't know how to cope. I just don't want things to get better and then worse. I wish things would stay ok.



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Old 17-11-2016, 02:31 PM   #4
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I saw my cc. She was worried. And wouldn't leave for ages. She basically made me choose between hospital and HTT. I refused both and she said she was going to call a mha. So I said I would work with HTT but I don't want to.

No one can help. This is not working. I can't see past tomorrow.



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Old 18-11-2016, 07:01 PM   #5
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Hi there,

I'm sorry the flashbacks are so bad right now. I know it might not seem like it right now but it's good your CC has arranged for the HTT to be involved, it sounds like you really need some support right now. You sound like you have a number of people around who want to help/who care about you.

I don't know the full story of what's going on as I've been away from here for a while, but all I can say is if a crime was committed against you, you are not to blame. And if someone gets in trouble for that crime (which they should) and feel the need to hurt themselves that it is not on you either. It's them who committed the crime and them who hurt themselves. You are not to blame.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 19-11-2016, 10:41 AM   #6
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Thank you for replying. I just feel that although a crime has been committed that it's my fault. I should of done something to prevent it. Was I misleading because I was manic and asked for it? I just feel so dirty and disgusting and like a whore.

Why is it that once you've been assaulted your liable to be done many times after? Do we do something wrong?

HTT came yesterday and the guy was an arse and asked are you actually low. I got pissed so basically said I didn't want to work with them. And they said they will have to consider the risk and speak to my cc. But I rang them up later and asked for only female due to the issue.

I'm really scared. Images keep replaying in my head. I want to cry but I'm numb. I want to be out of it. But I can't be. How can things be this bad?

I've set a date and a plan but I don't know. I wish I knew how to live a life without any flashbacks and images playing. But I can't. Therefore it's leading me to this. I don't know. Self care is out of the window. I'm trying to be at work but I can't concentrate and it's getting bad. The flashbacks intensify. How do I cope being at work?



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Old 20-11-2016, 01:55 AM   #7
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Can you do the whole 'leave it at the door' thing? I try to do this when I'm having a tough time with going to work.

In the morning I write down all my thought, worries and concerns and ready through it a couple of times. Then I put it in my pocket and go out for the day. I try to banish the thoughts from my head the second I close the front door. Then I go through my day and every time a new worry comes up I note it down to be added to the list.

Keeping things on paper written by hand is more effective. I was taught this skill in my CBT for insomnia course - they recommend it to improve sleep.

It sounds really useless and stuff but I've actually found it helpful. I find with the thoughts written down I don't mull over them and I'm thus less likely to have flashbacks.

Give it a try. I don't know.




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Old 20-11-2016, 02:16 AM   #8
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Grounding techniques and counting sequences of numbers out of order helps me. Every place I go for treatment physical or mental and even dental have huge warnings in my files that I'm only to deal with females. I would try and get this done. It makes things easier to deal with.

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Old 20-11-2016, 03:50 PM   #9
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I'm sorry the HTT visit was unhelpful, but I'm glad you agreed to keep seeing them, hopefully they'll be able to honour your request.

No matter what mindset or state a person is in, no one asks for something like that to happen.

The suggestion Bellatrix has come up with could be helpful, I find writing it down like that helps when I'm struggling to sleep. I hope you can give it a go. Would it be helpful at all to ask for some time off work? I know for me it was unhelpful to be off as it gave me too much time alone, but some people find they can get more agitated trying to make themselves work at times like this.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 20-11-2016, 06:25 PM   #10
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Thank you both for replying.

J I will try those techniques. I try to leave it at the door when I'm at work however it still plays and still happens. I will try writing it down. Does it still work if I write it on my phone?

I saw HTT yesterday. It was two females I've worked with before. And they were really nice. But a bit dissmissive to my thuoughts of not wanting to be here and feel so close to the end. They claim that I say this and then things get better and see what's worth living and therefore as they've seen me through it before they think and want to get me through it this time. I wish I could see what they could see but I can't even see tomorrow and just cry all the time.m

I think work will be good but I'm scared I will put patients at risk if I'm doing personal care or using the hoist and I have a flashbacks. My manager wants to send me back to occy health however they will force me to take time off. I don't know. I could try to advoid heavy work and say I'm not feeling back but I don't know.

I'm trying to stay grounded by smelling strong smells and playing with the cats. But I don't know. I haven't really worked around flashbacks before.



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Old 22-11-2016, 08:56 PM   #11
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I'm really really struggling. Got an important appt tomorrow with HTT and my cc so they can decide what next. I don't want to be there. But I guess I have to be. I'm just struggling. Things are looming and approaching fast.



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Old 23-11-2016, 01:24 PM   #12
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Hi there,

I imagine the same would work writing things on your phone - I think it's just the fact of getting it out of your head.

I can imagine it can seem very dismissive when they say things like that, but I'm sure they just wanted to try to give you some hope that things can get easier.

Perhaps it'd be a good idea to ask for reduced duties at work for a while? Unfortunately, your manager might not have a choice about sending your to OH because of their duty of care to both you and the people you'd be caring for, so perhaps asking for reduced duties would show you're taking responsibility for yourself.

I hope your appointment with HTT/CC goes okay.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 23-11-2016, 09:11 PM   #13
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The appointment was ok. They thought I seemed angry. They are concerned with me. And they rang my partner and said if I'm still the same on Saturday they will conduct a mha. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lie but they said they can't risk me acting on the plan. The date was set for Monday. I don't know now. I'm really struggling in trying to work out what to do.



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Old 25-11-2016, 01:42 PM   #14
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I'm really scared. Flashbacks won't stop. I can't do this anymore. I just want things to end.

I'm sorry.



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Old 25-11-2016, 04:37 PM   #15
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Hey lovely,

There's no need to apologise. I'm sorry things are so hard.

Could you try some grounding techniques to help with the flashbacks?

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 26-11-2016, 01:12 PM   #16
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Just to let you know that I am thinking of you. :)



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 26-11-2016, 08:20 PM   #17
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Thank you both for replying.

I'm trying some grounding techniques such as smelling things, stamping my feet clapping. I screwed up a few days ago and cut. I saw out of hours GP whose given me something to take the edge of things. Not what I wanted and thought would help but something else. So I'm going to try it. And hoping it will help. Things are slightly better. I have a lot lan to get me through Monday and cope. But I'm struggling to see the point except doing it for my Boyfriend.

HTT rang my bf to check how I was. They will talk about me in their most about me seeing one of their drs regarding sleep and flashbacks. I hoping they will take me on. I know I was against it before but I need some support and my outpatients psych appt isn't until Jan/Feb.



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Old 27-11-2016, 04:07 PM   #18
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Hey,

I'm glad you're trying to ground yourself. Has it helped at all?

I'm sorry to hear you hurt yourself, but well done for getting the OOH GP. I'm glad they gave you something and I hope it helps.

It sounds good that you might be able to get some further support. I hope they're able to offer something for you.

Thinking of you.

x x x



It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...


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Old 29-11-2016, 05:14 PM   #19
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Thank you lovely for replying.

Ooh GP was great in giving me the extra prn. I've been taking it regularly and it's starting to help with my anxiety. HTT discharged me yesterday despite me agreeing for support on Saturday. They didn't even talk to me on Monday except for when S rang and asked what's happening they said they discharged me.

I saw my GP today who added an extra ad to the combo of medication I'm on. Just feel frustrated I'm on so much.

Grounding is helping especially smelling the lavender oils. I have play doh as well to help. Flashbacks haven't been good. But today is a better day than they have been. I'm just scared really and fed up of it all. I'm tired of this constantly happening.

My cc has put me on the cancellation list to see my psych but last time I was on the cancellation list nothing came of it. So I have no hope. I feel frustrated with the system. They help and then shut you down when things are still pear shaped and you can't get the support.

I just feel so low. My mood isn't picking up. My manager said he was referring me back to oh. And never did so I looked like a fool when I rang oh. They've put me back to phased return to three days a week for two weeks because I wasn't coping and I took a week off. Just fed up. I don't think I'm ready to work but I need the money. I don't think they are paying me much.



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Old 06-12-2016, 07:54 PM   #20
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Hey, how are you getting on?

Sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment and I really hope you did manage to get to see your psychiatrist.



We may not see eye to eye, but we can respect each other's opinions and find the truth in them.
Perhaps in those honest conversations, instead of demonising each other,
we might see each other as imperfect humans, doing our best. ~ Jodi Picoult


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