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Old 12-12-2012, 03:22 AM   #1
I Had A Magic Rabbit
 
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How do I do this?

I thought "this" was just a phase. I thought I could tell someone. I thought I could beat "this" myself. I think I thought wrong...
I've been kind of on and off. Somedays I feel like I can scream the words, "Help me! I'm starving!" and others, I feel like I could be completely content in the darkness.
Is this what purgatory feels like?

This past week, I was SURE I would be able to tell someone about my restricting; I swear to you, I was. I actually almost told one of my teachers who I consider a second mother after she confronted me about my eating habits. But i just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I don't know why.
I just couldn't.
I can't seem to find the courage.
I can't seem to convince myself that I deserve help.
I can't seem to decide of I want recovery over bones; ribs and collarbones.
If anyone is reading this, I would love to hear how you did it; how you made it through. How can I tell someone this? How can I ask for help. Please...I could really use some motivation right now...



Love,
Lex

Someday, we'll fall down and weep, and we'll understand it all. All things.

My humorous yet insanely raw take on my life with an eating disorder, self-harm, and the occasional outbreak of acne. Check it out ladies and gents!
www.lampshadesandhandgrenades.wordpress.com


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Old 12-12-2012, 07:43 AM   #2
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You deserve to eat, and you deserve help. Are you ready to receive help?
What kind of help do you need?

A friend of mine once said when her parents packed her up in the car and took her to a treatment centre, she felt total peace and relief. She was 18 with a severe eating disorder. Today about 30 yrs later, she thanks her parents for doing that for her. It saved her life.

You may not be at that point. Maybe you just need to pick a trusted, loving and wise person and tell that one person. Talk about your feelings. One step at a time, one conversation at a time, one healthy morsel at a time, one healthy meal at a time. Take care.

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Old 12-12-2012, 03:41 PM   #3
I Had A Magic Rabbit
 
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Thank you..that story is very inspiring. I want to feel like that one day; I want to feel peace. I do want recovery but you're right, I don't know how badly. I hate feeling like this. This isn't how imagined my senior year...
I just don't know what I should do, ya know?
Xx



Love,
Lex

Someday, we'll fall down and weep, and we'll understand it all. All things.

My humorous yet insanely raw take on my life with an eating disorder, self-harm, and the occasional outbreak of acne. Check it out ladies and gents!
www.lampshadesandhandgrenades.wordpress.com


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Old 13-12-2012, 08:58 AM   #4
polamyfox
 
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I was unaware that eating disorders can also be a problem. But if it is, then you should not worry much. You can control it and if needed take the help of a doctor.

skin care

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Old 13-12-2012, 07:41 PM   #5
Wonderland.
 
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Could you write a letter to your teacher?
It sounds as though she could really help you.



'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥


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Old 15-12-2012, 03:40 PM   #6
I Had A Magic Rabbit
 
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Hi Amy:)
Actually, I told my T about it a few days ago! Well, I didnt exactly say, "I starve myself because I think I'm fat" but I did tell her that I skip meals on an everyday basis. The conversation started when she could tell I was visibly upset and I told her that I had been getting headaches alot lately. She asked if I had been getting enough sleep etc. And then she asked about what kind of food I have been eating.
I couldn't even answer her!
So I guess that kind of threw up a red flag....While I'm kind of relieved she knows, I'm also kind of scared. For the first time in a while, I see hope in beating this...and that scares the sh** out of me.
I have a T session next Wednesday and I'm nervous to see what we're going to talk about. Since she's not specialized in ED's, I'm scared she might send me away or something...



Love,
Lex

Someday, we'll fall down and weep, and we'll understand it all. All things.

My humorous yet insanely raw take on my life with an eating disorder, self-harm, and the occasional outbreak of acne. Check it out ladies and gents!
www.lampshadesandhandgrenades.wordpress.com


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Old 19-12-2012, 08:21 PM   #7
MissAnonymous
 
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I don't expect she would send you away, or even to see someone else, unless you and her jointly felt it would help.

Can you expand on what scares you about the idea of beating the disorder?

Well done on telling your Therapist about the difficulties you are having eating, having headaches and not eating enough are really draining in themselves, try and listen to when you are hungry and thirsty and have snacks even if you cannot face a meal, just something to keep you going, bananas, cereal bars, something you can carry with you would be good.

Take care x

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Old 21-12-2012, 10:00 PM   #8
I Had A Magic Rabbit
 
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Hi MissAnonymous:)

Actually, we didn't really talk too much about my eating habits in my appointment which...I don't really know how that makes me feel. At the end of my appointment before the last one, I kind of left the ball in her court. I pretty much told her that I starve myself and while she made it very clear that she was concerned, she hardly talked about it in the next appointment. It kind of makes me feel unimportant?
Like my cries for help don't matter?
Or maybe she thinks I'm not skinny enough to have an eating disorder?
I don't know.

And while I'm kind of hurt that she didn't, I guess, deem my issues important enough to talk about, I feel a sense of relief; like I got away from this one. I can go back to the safety of restricting without anyone noticing. It scares me to think that this could be gone one day; it's such a big part of my life. What will I do with myself?
Will anyone love me?
Will people judge me?
Will they think I'm weak; that I have no self control?
And most importantly, what will I think of myself?
Will I self destruct?

Thanks for the support Xx



Love,
Lex

Someday, we'll fall down and weep, and we'll understand it all. All things.

My humorous yet insanely raw take on my life with an eating disorder, self-harm, and the occasional outbreak of acne. Check it out ladies and gents!
www.lampshadesandhandgrenades.wordpress.com


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