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Old 06-01-2020, 03:07 AM   #1
Voldemort
 
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Does it ever stop?

Wow. Long time no post. Hi to all those that remember me. Sorry for popping up here in your lives again. This could be long so please bear with me.

Iím not usually one for listing diagnosis but it does seem pertinent to this post so please donít think Iím bragging or anything like that. I have schizoaffective disorder, autism and an ED.

Mostly it seems like the schizoaffective is being managed quite well at the moment with meds - Iím not psychotic, I donít think Iím depressed and I donít think Iím manic though perhaps thereís some mixed state going on.

2 months ago I moved across country and the whole process has been a nightmare. The flat we moved into was just, well, uninhabitable really. The stress leading up to the move should have alleviated when we got here but was actually trebled with everything that needed doing. We slept in the living room for probably a month. Thankfully now most things have been sorted and weíre greadually sourcing storage so we can finish unpacking our boxes.

The first few weeks we essentially lived on take away and convenience food because we didnít have an oven or a fridge freezer that worked properly. Which led to me gaining weight. Which, whilst still healthy, was heavier than I liked. My eating went a little to shit and I lost some weight which was noticed by my therapist back in Sligo because she commented on it despite me telling her I was struggling with food. My psych completely glossed over the issue because clearly I was still eating and not emaciated. I have now gained back the weight because, well, Christmas and Iím unhappy with it.

Ritzi (my wife) was completely overwhelmed and stressed out by everything so I took on the responsibility of making phone calls, staying calm and reassuring her throughout the whole process.

These past few weeks weíve been around her family a lot and had a lot of people in and out of the flat fixing things. Which has overwhelmed and overstimulated me big time. I think I blocked out my stress with everything so I could help my wife deal with hers and itís kind of hitting me now.

The problem is when I get overwhelmed I tend to self harm just to calm everything down and now Iím faced with another week of people, albeit my family, and no way of coping. Iím getting graphic images of self harm in my head and I just canít turn them off because it feels like it would put a cast on the broken leg that is my brain right now. Iíve had no time for self care, I canít concentrate to read, more than one episode of a tv show overwhelms me and I canít sleep for shit. Iím really worried that Iím going to have a breakdown the minute everything stops happening around here and I donít have to hold it together any more. I can not afford a meltdown. I got out of hospital in October after a year and 9 months on their books and that is just not an option. Iím a carer for my wife and she needs me.

Itís just been one thing after another. The move, our car died, our washing machine died on top of other appliances not working et etc. Idk.

Sorry. I donít know what Iím looking for with this post. Kind words? Advice? Acknowledgement? I donít have a MH team here yet and my appt isnít until mid feb so I donít even know what theyíll offer me and my old team are a joke so Iím a little lost.

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Old 06-01-2020, 03:19 PM   #2
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Is Ritzi able to be there for you too, even a little? Do you have a GP you can talk to until you get things sorted with the MH team?

You have been through so much, well done for everything you have managed.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 06-01-2020, 05:55 PM   #3
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I think you're so brave to have pushed through so much and then go through some major life changes that would stress anyone out.

I think this will pass. Moving is a well-known stressor without all the additional stuff you have had to deal with, and your mental health on top. Hopefully once you've got used to the new place and things are sorted with your mental health team, you'll feel more supported and stable. Are you aware of crisis and maybe voluntary community services you can access in the area in the meantime?

Whether managing mental health ever truly stops, I honestly don't know. I have faith that things get better, though, with more good times and shorter bad times.

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Old 07-01-2020, 01:10 AM   #4
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Ritzi is being very good at being there for me at the moment, despite not being very well physically herself right now. I also contacted my old therapist and she’s going to try and see me on Wednesday when I’m back in Sligo for my injection as well as my social worker. So I do have support but it’s all very far away and there’s not much they can actually do for me right now. I don’t have a GP at the moment as they all have waiting lists and I’ve been unable to get into one which could get problematic if I ever need to go.

Thing is, I don’t think this will pass. It’s not just the move it’s a combination of everything and when I get overwhelmed and my brain is too full I self harm and it sort of releases all the pressure. I know it’s not an ideal solution but I haven’t found another one just yet. It’s like self harm is a sort of stim for me and has been there for over 20 years (I’m only 30) so it’s hardwired in. I feel settled here and it feels like home and I’m enjoying being close to Ritzi’s family but at the same time it’s very overwhelming as suddenly I’m around people that aren’t necessarily comfortable just yet and I find myself on edge the whole time. I don’t think this is a MH thing I think it’s an autism thing. I haven’t really had any support with the autism so it’s still a learning road for me. I don’t know what the crisis people would be as I’m in Ireland and they don’t have a crisis team or anything like that and I have no idea who to get in touch with otherwise. I’ll just have to wait until the 13th February and see what my new team is like.

Thank you both for your replies. I went out with my dogs and Ritzi today just to get out for a bit and tomorrow I’m going to stay with my friend in Sligo ahead of all my appointments on Wednesday which will be good as I haven’t seen her since I moved. I don’t know. I feel very our of place everywhere at the moment and unsettled.

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Old 08-01-2020, 04:41 PM   #5
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I can relate to the self harm and other stuff potentially being autism related things. It is really hard to know what is what. I am sorry I wish I had better words but I read and I care and I can relate.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 08-01-2020, 08:04 PM   #6
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Did you see your old therapist today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 10-01-2020, 12:13 PM   #7
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Thank you, Camden. It’s difficult.

I saw her on Wednesday briefly. She gave me some things to read about autism burn out but I haven’t had the chance to read them yet. It’s been a hectic few days and now we’re trying to organise the living room. I know it needs to be done but there’s so many people in the flat and I’m just tired. So very tired.

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Old 10-01-2020, 02:41 PM   #8
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Are there quieter spaces in the flat where you can take some time to yourself? There's a lot going on right now. Do you need to sort everything one after the other or would you be able to take a break if there's more to do?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 11-01-2020, 11:22 PM   #9
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I actually went to bed at 9:30 last night and slept badly but didn’t get up until 10 today and then I had a two hour nap this afternoon. I think I’m just really exhausted.

My bedroom is almost done so it’s almost a safe space but literally no where else in the flat is and it feels like I’ve wasted time with my family as I haven’t spent much time with them and I don’t want them to resent me for that. It’s tough. I’m so close to self harming. I just keep dosing myself up on clonazepam but that isn’t sustainable either. I’m really at a loss.

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Old 11-01-2020, 11:32 PM   #10
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Is there anything else that can give you a similar release to self harm? I hope your bedroom can get finished soon so you get a safe space. Having someplace safe is really important.



You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.


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Old 12-01-2020, 11:46 AM   #11
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I know it's hard but try not to feel really guilty about the lack of time spent with your family. You are going through lots right now and can't fit in every single thing. I hope that when things settle down a bit you'll have more time to spend with your family.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 12-01-2020, 12:34 PM   #12
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I’ve not found anything that has the same effect, no, I think I just need some proper support over it and to be more mindful of my own wellbeing. I kind of let everything sneak up on me the last couple of months and thought I was superwoman for coping with it all when in reality I wasn’t.

The bedroom is getting there and so is the living room. Unfortunately this is the type of thing that takes time and hard work and I’m so exhausting I’m no use for anything.

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Old 12-01-2020, 12:35 PM   #13
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Ninja post, Linds. My brothers and dad have gone back to England now and my mum goes back tomorrow so I kind of failed there.

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Old 12-01-2020, 02:09 PM   #14
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You're being very harsh with yourself, it's not a failure to not be able to spend as much time with your family as you could have or not to be able to do much with sorting out the bedroom and living room. I'm sure you're doing your best and it's ok to take a step back if you need to and have a break. Will you be seeing your Mum today? Are you allowing yourself to look after your own wellbeing now, since that's something you've said you need? I'm not sure what you could do about the lack of formal support though, but maybe taking care of yourself will be something at least until you get to your appointment in February. I know you've said there are long waiting lists for a GP, are you on a waiting list/list at the moment?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 14-01-2020, 08:23 PM   #15
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My mum went home yesterday so we got an early night and had a really long lie in this morning. Haven’t gotten dressed or done anything today which has been really nice. My family were all in the flat with us so it was a bit cramped.

I don’t know how to look after my well being. My therapist says I forget I have autism and don’t make allowances for it and then I burn out. Which is basically what happened this time. I know it’s something I need to be aware of but I haven’t worked out how yet.

Phoned a couple more GPs today and basically we have to get letters of refusal to take us on as patients from 3 of them and send them off somewhere and then that body will force someone to take us on. Which could be problematic because if it’s not on the bus service I don’t know how Ritzi will get there if I’m ever in hospital. Idk. It feels like nothing has been simple since we moved.

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Old 15-01-2020, 11:59 AM   #16
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I'm glad you managed to do some restful things yesterday, do you think things will settle a bit now that your family has left?

Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? I hope you can work out how to look after yourself more and be aware of your needs and not push yourself too far.

That doesn't sound very helpful about the GP. Have you had 3 refusals? Surely something would have to be arranged that was accessible for you both.

How are you today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-01-2020, 05:57 PM   #17
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Sending you love 'n hugs. Everyone else has already said useful stuff, and I can't think of anything else to add. Thinking of you and hope to see you soon though!!


Flem xXxXx




The world is just illusion always trying to change me.
You will find wonder wherever you can, and spread joy whenever you are able.


I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, divide within me. - Frankenstein.


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Old 17-01-2020, 11:50 PM   #18
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Thanks both.

Linds, we had an early start today and a stressful flat inspection and then a man came in to look at the boiler, which of course worked fine when he was here. We’ve had a couple of quiet days but really we have a lot to do. Going to my wife’s Nana’s tomorrow for the night and I just don’t want to leave the flat.

I don’t have a therapist that I see weekly but my old therapist is keeping in touch at the moment to see how I’m getting on. At the moment her only suggestion is my prn which doesn’t really help.

We need to phone two more GPs and then pick up the letters and send them off. I just haven’t been in the right headspace for phone calls and my wife keeps forgetting even when I remind her.

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Old 18-01-2020, 09:53 PM   #19
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I slept really badly last night. Took a sleeping tablet and slept for a few hours and then I woke up and was basically awake on and off for the rest of the night. We’re at Ritzi’s Nana’s now. I just want to go home. I’m anxious and on edge and I want to be at home in my pjs with the tv and my animals. The dogs are here but the cats are all at home.

Apparently my social worker called yesterday when I was lying down and was saying to Ritzi that hospital is always an option but it’s not. This isn’t mental health. I don’t think. I don’t know what to think any more. I’m struggling and I can’t remember the last time I struggled like this.

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Old 19-01-2020, 11:27 AM   #20
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When are you going home? I hope you can get some rest soon.

What are all the things that you're struggling with? Do you think hospital would be useful at all? If your social worker has mentioned it they must think you are struggling with your mental health. It doesn't mean that mental illness has to be the cause, your MH is likely affected by all the things that are going on for you right now.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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