Contains sexual abuse - Suppressed Memories

[Uglyducklin]

I'm so sorry to post again. I've had lots of suppressed memories resurface. I feel violated and flooded in my own body. Overtaken by fat. I can't escape the graphic and unwanted images. I'm a Fat hideous monster. I need to not be alone with this but my trauma therapist wouldn't allow me to talk about them and neither did my eating disorders nurse. It is also the anniversary of my dads death on Christmas Day . I don't know what to do I'm so sorry. X

[Amaranth]

I'm sorry you feel this way. Why will they not let you talk about it? I had repressed a part of my abuse and it really helped that I had my counsellor there to help me through the remembering as well as working through all that brought up afterwards; it seems incredibly unfair that they expect you to just cope with it on your own. Are there any abuse survivor charities near to you that offer counselling? Or maybe you could call someone like the samaritans? I know it's not the same as talking to the professionals you know and trust, but if you are really struggling it could help to just bridge that gap and help you to work through things that are too much for you to cope with alone.

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you Amaranth. Your reply means a lot. I'm going to try and speak to my eating disorders nurse again and try to explain what is going on. I just feel so frightened and violated and ashamed. I'm scared I can't find the words. I'm sorry I'm repeating myself. I'm so exhausted from fighting urges. Sorry I'm too fat to post. X

[Amaranth]

You're certainly not too fat to post! And don't worry about repeating yourself. Maybe you could try writing things down so you have something to show your ed nurse, in case you can't find the words. Xx

[Uglyducklin]

Thanks I'm sorry I haven't replied your reply means a lot. I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself and drowning in fat. There is so much noise in my head. I wish there was nothing left. Too much body too much fat too many memories written all over my body. I'm trying to smile and focus on a future I both don't feel I deserve or believe in. I just can't pretend to be ok anymore. I'm scared people think I'm making up how bad I feel but I'm trying so hard to fight urges. I'm sorry I'm making no sense.

[Uglyducklin]

I am so exhausted. I want the violation in my mind to stop the flashbacks and replays to end . I am fat disgusting and I need to feel empty and clean. I'm fighting to keep doing and everyone thinks I can cope. I want to say I'm not but what if they judge me. The urges won't stop but I have to keep fighting. I wish I could cut the fat off. I'm sorry for posting again.

[Amaranth]

You're not disgusting or undeserving or anything like that. I know how hard it is when everyone else thinks you're coping but I'm sure no one would judge you if you are honest and let them know what's going on.
X

[Uglyducklin]

I am so broken. I want to destroy the flesh that defaces my body. I need the fat to fall away. I haven't eaten for five days I cannot bring myself to pollute my body more and entice more flesh to grow. My sessions are ending I need to lose weight to survive. I feel I am being assaulted and I cannot make it stop. Their hands, their weight on my body and I feel I'm gagging and choking on them. The terror of chewing of swallowing it descends again. I have no strength to fight this. I tried to reach out and I'm ashamed that I felt I couldn't cope but I don't deserve safety I am pathetic dirty fat and worthless. I'm sorry I'm waffling I don't know anymore .

[Uglyducklin]

I'm sorry to post again. I am a mess I have not been coping well although the weight is nearly gone which has helped a bit but I'm scared I wont lose it all because I'm a fat dirty freak. I feel still so physically invaded and there is nobody to reach out to. I feel judged by my trauma psychologist even though I understand her frustration I feel distraught that I'm coming undone with it now so many images and feelings. Not eating dampens it and makes it less immersive. I know this sounds pathetic but I'm dying for a safe space to cry and hurt and regroup and to not be alone with it. My poor ed nurse is still ill and I'm worried I made things worse. The hatred for myself is eating me up. I'm too traumatised to swallow and eat but I don't know who to tell. I'm alone from tomorrow until Thursday evening I'm scared. I'm so pathetic and fat I'm sorry.

[Amaranth]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much again. I can promise you you're not dirty or worthless or a freak or any of that, you're really not. I know it's not that easy for to just believe me, but I promise you it's the truth.
It's whoever abused you who should be feeling like that - its their fault and they are the worthless freak who should feel ashamed of themselves, not you.
I know how easy this is for me to say and how hard it is for you to believe; my counsellor has spent a long time saying very similar things to me, and it took lot of time for me to realise the abuse wasn't my fault and that I'm not disgusting and worthless.
I understand your problems with food, but you have no need to lose weight and you deserve to eat and have a healthy nourished body.
Is there anyone you can talk to or be with so you don't feel so alone? Can you call one of the professionals you see if things get too hard?

[Uglyducklin]

Thank you Amaranth your reply means so much. I'm low on words but thank you.

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Why did they not let you talk about them?! That doesn't seem very professional to me. xx

[Uglyducklin]

I don't know. They did eventually. I hate this it hurts. I'm so fat. I wish my body was gone. Sorry I don't have many words.