I guess physical monitor is necessary because you're so unwell, but you shouldn't have to put up with an unkind nurse. Are you able to talk to anyone about your feelings surrounding running away?
You do deserve kindness Jess.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
Not really I can't think who to talk to. I know it's so immature of me but I want to run I would be lying if I said I didn't. I know I couldn't believe they said I would get dropped if I changed! I'm so sorry. How are you? Xx
Running wouldn't make your feelings any different, and it wouldn't make your illness go away, it would just cause you more problems. It's not immature, and I can understand wanting to do it, but you need to think carefully about it.
They said you would get discharged if you changed SEEDs nurse?
And you don't have to ask how people are, this thread is for you, but I'm good thanks.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
The implication was that I might get dropped or it would take a long time to find someone else. I HATE my FAT body I deserve. To be punished I'm out of control. One more day like this and I have to run I can't be trusted. Please help me I'm so sorry x
I don't think they think you're fat at all, Jess, I think they're trying to help you. Even if you were fat, it's the thought processes that are problematic and causing you distress and they are continuing to see you and help you, regardless of your weight. Try to think about it logically and see how far you fet with that.
Perhaps you could mention that you get the vibe that she doesn't like you and explore that with your therapist. That doesn't mean that you have to switch nurses, it may just mean that you look into this issue and make it easier for you to be physically monitored. Why might you be dropped if you attempted to change? When I didn't get on with one my professionals from the CMHT I ended up going to my doctor in distress and she got the professional to have a word with me. It must have been one of the most awkward phonecalls of my life and I think I blagged my way through it but it turns out that there was fault on both sides and we've sorted it out - and the fact we disagree can sometimes be a good thing to knock me into gear!
How about instead of running, you go with the theory that you haven't got much left to lose? I know that's quite a defeatist way of looking at things but when I have felt bad, I've sought help and accepted support because I figure that things can't get much worse and I have nothing to lose. It's the motivation that has kept me going, although it can be detrimental, and it allows you to help yourself more when you're stronger. If you feel this bad now, why not take a stab in the dark and try to feel a bit better?
You deserve our support because we are giving it to you. If you didn't, we wouldn't bother. Simple as that. I know that sounds harsh but it's true, Jess.
Argh I'm FAT and out of control and disgusting. I really want to run away I felt so ill my mum made me have some things with calories. I'm so disgusting and FAT and don't deserve to breathe. I'm now FAT forever and it can't be undone. I just can't be trusted. I need to punish myself. I'm so sorry
Jess do you know how calories work? Like the bodies requirement for nutrition and calories to function and perform things like breathing and such? The calories will not have made you fat- they will be used by your body to help you become less ill which will in turn help with things like completing your assignments etc.
Punishing yourself really wouldn't change anything love instead of perhaps making you feel even worse. What are some positive distractions you could engage in?
I feel so distraught I keep having really violent thoughts towards myself. I think maybe I'm a FAT freak and my body is different. If this happens again I think I want to escape to a cheap hotel. I keep pleasing my mum I can't be trusted. I'm sorry I shouldn't be posting thank you for being so kind lillie x
What honestly will going to a cheap hotle achieve do you think? You'll still feel as distraught and n your own in unfamiliar surroundings with no form of support and no way to pay for it.
Your body works in much the same fashion as everyone elses- hence why everyone the world over needs to eat to live. You may feel fat and thats horrible but life isn't about what you look like- can you write down other non appearance based things you like about yourself?
What can you do to stay safe and distract yourself?
I'm trying to read some journal articles but still feel I could physically tear the FAT off. Just so dirty and ashamed. I know it's just being near the calories terrified me. I'm so sorry x
Eeek my mum wants me to have another drink with calories in I'm so FAT it's insane! I just want to be good clean and thin. I want someone to believe me and not judge me . I just feel so utterly hopeless . I'm sorry you don't need this x
I don't think it's insane! I think that your Mum cares about you and doesn't want to see you like this.
Nobody's going to believe that you're all those negative things about yourself because you aren't. That might be hard to hear but we don't think you need to be good and clean and thin because you are absolutely fine as you are.
You're so receptive and expressive when you text me, Jess, but I notice a difference between the texts and your posts here and I wonder why that is.
Hi belle thank you so much I really don't deserve it. It's weird I probably post here in the moment of anxiety or despair so this is more what's in my brain uncensored whereas texts are more thought through? Nonetheless they both feel so real does that make sense? I just feel awful I really can't cope with the shame and despair right now the urge to hurt myself is strong. Iim putting off running slowly I'm seeing a friend Monday the seeds nurse I don't get on with on Tuesday and I have puppy classes for the first time wednesday night. Hopefully by Thursday I may feel calmer. It's just everything I have inside me feels too much and like I can never escape the FAT. Thank you guys it all feels a bit clearer x
It sounds as though you have a lot of things to look forward to this week, Jess. Perhaps you could note down one/a couple of positive things per day, no matter how small, and look over them next weekend if things aren't so great again? That would show you that things aren't as hopeless as they may feel.
Okay, that makes sense. So, what do you think about the support you receive here because it sounds, to me, as though you do take it on board and you try your best to listen to what we're saying, it's just hard for you. The difference that I read in your texts is that there you acknowledge that people are saying nice things about you and that you recognise that it's hard to accept them, whereas here, you don't notice them, so to speak. Does that make sense? How do you think you could introduce the slightly more rational you have when texting to your moments of anxiety?
**** I can't cope I'm a FAT C##T who should crawl away and die. I've punched and smacked my head so hard because I felt so disgusting my ears are ringing! I'm terrifiedof being alone and not being ill enough for help I can't stop crying. I'm so pathetic I'm sorry x
There's no such thing as not being ill enough for help. You are getting support here, Jess, and you have a therapist and are physically monitored. I know it might not seem like it but that is support. You have a Mum who cares about you and you are meeting your friend on Monday. There are people who are willing to support you if you let them. How do you want people to help you?
I don't know it's all my fault because I'm FAT. If I'm honest I feel too FAT and worthless and not ill enough to accept what might help but on the other hand I want someone to just decide so that it gets done? Does that make sense. I'm so fearful too. I want to work on my methodology for my dissertation but I'm so anxious I can't think. I'm so bloody useless. My head really hurts. I'm selfish I know I think I can't articulate what's happening in my head? This ramble I'm sorry xx
I'm terrified I have physical monitoring today I am FAT I cannot hurt myself enough. I have physical monitoring and feel so ashamed especially as I asked to have my seeds nurse changed but I see her today and I'm so embarrassed. The sight of my body makes me physically sick, my legs are so swollen with fluid they ache. I don't know anymore I'm too disgusting and FAT for help I'm so sorry x
I had physical monitoring today. It was awful. I looked enormous. It's tearing me apart being so FAT. I think they will drop me from seeds clinic they are talking already about me visiting the clinic once every three weeks or even monthly. I feel so terribly unwell but because my weight is high and I'm FAT and worthless and my blood pressure is through the roof they think everything is fine. There is fluid in my face, hands and legs I look like the Michelin man.i just want to destroy myself. Nobody believes me. I'm so thirsty I can't stop drinking its so out of control. I drink nearly two litres of water and diet coke a night. I want to stop. I can't help the thought I've spoilt everything with my greed and FATNESS I'm so sorry.
