Intense emotional pain

[one_step_closer]

Thank you. I don't see the point in telling anyone how I'm feeling because I don't think they can offer me anything that I don't already have in place or that would help. I'm going to the gym with a support assistant in an hour so I might try to talk to her a bit but she'll probably just want to distract me. I really don't want to continue going on like this.

[one_step_closer]

I actually just can't do this. The support assistant didn't turn up and no one answered when I phoned the office. My brother is struggling and I can't bear to think of him feeling anything close to what I go through but that might be exactly what he's going through. I don't even know if it's safe to post here because my brother has read my posts in the past, not sure if I had changed my username at that point or not. I can't deal with this crap every single day. All I can think about doing right now to get some relief is overdosing but I probably can't physically do it!!! Nothing is going to make life better. I am more than tired of this, I have had enough of the struggle.

[Zurg]

I know it's easy for me to sit behind a screen, comfortable in my own home, and say this but i really do believe that things can get better. I have never met anyone, on here or in real life, whom i found to be a hopeless case. I believe everyone can be helped, it's just a matter of finding the right kind of person(s) and the right kind of help.

I do believe you can be helped, Lindsay. But i also know that when someone stays ill for a long time and don't improve much then the systems put in place to help just tend to give up. Which is a damn shame because that is actually when they should be persistent. I know you probably don't have much fight left in you but if it is in any way possible i think you should bring someone who knows you well along to your next appointment with your cpn/therapist/whatever. Because, at least i've found this out due to personal experience, sometimes an angry relative or friend is all that is needed to open some doors that have stayed closed for way too long.

I brought a friend along for one of my last appointments with my cpn. Like you, i felt defeated and hopeless and like the system had given up on me. But my friend spoke out for me and suddenly things became possible that had otherwise been impossible when i asked about them myself. Sometimes we need someone who can be assertive when we can't do it ourselves. And sometimes they will actually listen when someone else speaks up.

I know it is hard and i know it would be easier to give up but you've fought to stay alive for so long and it would be such a waste of life annd fight and potential to give up now. I also don't think you are weak for not self hamring. It takes strength and guts to abstain from it when you feel so hopeless, so kudos to you for that!!!! It's really very admirable.

If anything was possible, what would you like your life to be like???? How would your daily routine be like??? What would be the most important things in your every day life????
Maybe we can help you to achieve some of that.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks for your reply Kat.

I don't have anyone who can come to an appointment with me, my brother is the only living relative who 'knows' me but I don't tell him much about what I'm going through. I have one close-ish friend but she's not very supportive. My psychologist was very good for being on my side and trying to get me help but my sessions with him have ended and I've to wait at least 3 months before I can possibly be referred to psychology again. He said he'd write a report and would include my proposal for admission to hospital every 2 months and if this is not agreed on he wants the team to be very clear about why it's not possible. I do think that having regular short admissions could provide me with respite but I can see me having to fight for it and probably not allowed it. Plus there are always going to be times in between where I find it hard to cope at home and I'll have to stay at home.

I actually just don't have a clue what things would look like if they were better. There's nothing bad about my life just my illnesses making me feel awful the majority of the time. This chronic emotional pain is hard to deal with. I don't like not having much to do with my days but I also hate having lots to do and don't know how I'd cope with work. It's not easy to quit a job quickly if it isn't working out and I quit most of the things I try because I can't cope. I'm quite weak when it comes to dealing with anxiety and I avoid almost everything that might cause me to be anxious. I feel like I want more people in my life but at the same time it's so draining to be around people. I hate being alive but I'd settle for this if my brother was ok, I struggle a lot to deal with how he might be feeling, especially as I know some of it has to do with how I have treated him. I can't imagine really what he's going through because my emotions are so extreme and I don't know what it's like to have a milder version of these emotions. I worry so much that he actually feels bad things to the extent that I do.

I went out to buy something to overdose on but the local shops didn't have anything I felt confident that I could swallow so I ended up just buying sweets. I'd rather be full of tablets right now than sweets. If I can find the courage I will phone my CPN tomorrow but I'm pretty sure she won't be able to offer me anything.

[Zurg]

I happen to know that here in Denmark we have it so that the most chronically ill patients can have a sort of open admission, whic means that they can refer themselves for a shorter admisison and the wards are required to keep a room open to them. I am not sure how it works at your place, but i think the admissions would be worth fighting a little for, especially if they were backed up by your psychologist. I know a lot of professionals worry about becoming dependent on services such as psychiatric admissions butin your case i actually don't see them hindering you but as you say, they give you some respite from your symptoms.

i know being around people can be draining. i was just wondering whether there might be any activities you could participate in during the week, which would be chosen by you and which would allow space to withdraw when interaction became too much??? Sometimes the psychiatric system offers a variety of activities but i am unsure how keen you'd be on participating in something like that. Alternatively there might be something like evening classes, which also sometimes offer classes during the day time.

finding a balance between too much and too little is hard. I struggle with it myself. AT the moment i am only signed up for one thing during the week as that is enough right now. Just wanted to say that if you take on too many things it is totally ok to drop some of them but maybe just keep one.

I also think when you spend a lot of time alone then the symptoms can be experienced as stronger. I am not trying to push you into social interaction that you don't feel comfortable with but i just think you could benefit from having some people in your life whom you could spend some time with, also to get some respite from your symptoms. Feel free to tell me to shut up if i am wrong but i suspect loneliness might also be a factor in you feeling so hopeless...???

If they will re-refer you to the psychologist then i also think that is worth holding on for.

Sweets are still better than pills however much it doesn't feel like it right now.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks for your continued support.

My current psychiatrist is quite anti every kind of treatment for BPD, he's working in the hospital this week so isn't in the health centre where my CPN works so she won't be able to talk to him about the possible admission plan until at least next week. It's hard not knowing where I'm at with things. I didn't phone my CPN today, I stayed in bed late then went somewhere on the train and then it was after my CPN finished. I could phone the crisis team but don't really find them helpful. Nothing is helping. I have bought tablets but don't know if I will be able to swallow them or not or even if I'll be brave enough to attempt to swallow them.

There are some groups that I used to go to but haven't been able to make it out of bed on time for them for a while. I don't have enough motivation to go to them because I'm not really interested in anything and I'm basically just crap at getting out of bed at a reasonable time.

[Sketchy]

I'm also crap at getting out of bed at a reasonable time. Could you make plans around that? Like plan something for late afternoon?

How do you feel about giving the pills away? Are you safe? I know crisis can be useless at times, but maybe you'll speak to someone helpful if you phone.

[one_step_closer]

I ended up overdosing on Wednesday night and had to get treatment. Got home yesterday afternoon. Spent a lot of today catching up with sleep because I didn't get much if any sleep while I was in hospital. I don't know if I'm going to be allowed to see my CPN on Monday because when I started my new management plan my psychiatrist said if I end up in A&E between CPN appointments I miss out on my next one. I need support not punishment.

[Sketchy]

That sounds unfair of your psych. I hope you get to see your cpn, because you need support right now.

Are you safe just now? I'm sorry things are so bad. I wish there was something helpful I could say. Try taking it easy and catch up on rest.

[Buttons.]

Your psych sounds ridiculous. As others have said you need support not punishment. I understand the concept of not 'rewarding' behaviours but ffs if all people who were harming themselves needed/wanted was attention we'd have solved the problem by now. There are so many complex reasons why people harm themselves and ignorant psychs like that don't bother to take the time to understand that complexity, especially with a label like BPD slapped on.

I so hope you get the help you need because you more than deserve it, I've seen how much you have put into helping people over the years and you deserve the same kindness and understanding you give others.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks everyone.

Camden, I know what you mean, no worries.

I'm safe but sick of being safe. I want to give up on everything. I've slept more than usual since getting home and I'm trying to think that I'm just catching up on the sleep I missed out on and it will settle soon but I generally have a really bad sleeping pattern and it gets me down. I must just be really lazy because I can't stand the feeling of being tired so usually stay in bed until I mostly feel awake which is in the late morning or early afternoon.

I get that self harming behaviours shouldn't be 'rewarded' but I don't see that getting support with difficult emotions that have led to self harm is really a reward. It's a basic need. I think that with any diagnosis other than BPD this wouldn't be seen as rewarding negative behaviours. If my CPN phones tomorrow and says I've not to attend my appointment I'm going to make sure I don't even talk about things on the phone with her because I don't want to be breaking some kind of treatment rule by getting support. I got medical attention, not emotional support, after overdosing and I didn't have much of a choice but to get that medical attention because I could have been seriously harmed or dead if I hadn't so I feel like I shouldn't be punished because of an outcome that had to be taken.

I really don't see anything ever getting any better for me. I'd rather go back to constant self destructive behaviours but as I have said I can rarely physically do it now. Nothing feels good.

[Buttons.]

I'm sorry I'm out of words right now but love hugs and all that <3

[one_step_closer]

Thank you Katy.

[Sketchy]

Wish I could say something helpful, but I am thinking of you. I hope you get to speak to your cpn. Take care.

[one_step_closer]

Thanks. I was allowed to see my CPN and was worried that she was angry with me but she said she wasn't and that no one is angry. I said that I don't want to do this any more and that nothing is going to help and she said she'll speak to my psychiatrist to see what they can offer me because she thinks things will get better, but I don't think there's anything else that can be offered to me. My CPN thinks I'm doing well by going out for a short walk most days and I'm meeting someone about volunteering on Wednesday but none of this feels like an achievement to me. Everything hurts so much.

[Sketchy]

I'm glad you got to see your cpn and I hope her and your psychiatrist come up with a plan to help.
When we feel like this, getting out for a short walk is a huge achievement. Give yourself credit for it. I hope the meeting about volunteering goes well. That's something I want to look into doing, so I wish you the best of luck.

How are you feeling today?

[one_step_closer]

Thank you.

I just don't think there is anything more that can be offered to me. My psychiatrist is against a lot of treatments for me (and others) because I have BPD. I'm worried that he will say an outright no to regular psych ward admissions because I overdosed. Admissions are the only thing that I have found briefly helpful although I did appreciate seeing my psychologist and I wish our sessions hadn't ended. I feel like things are really hopeless and I've only been managing to hold on this past year because for a lot of the time I've been in hospital.

I went to see the man about volunteering, he seemed nice and like the organisation will be supportive of me. Something came up that I had to disclose my mental health problems but it didn't put him off.

I so badly need to talk to someone but I don't even know what I'd say. My psychologist was good at hearing me and helping me talk.

[Sketchy]

I hope your team come up with something. Keep talking to them.

That's good about the volunteering. Hopefully you will end up doing something good.

Would writing things down help? Sometimes writing is easier than talking. Remember there is alway the samaritans and breathing space if you need to talk.

[one_step_closer]

I write every day, just like a diary. It does help but I feel like I need some kind of communication. I'm not very good at phoning helplines and the Samaritans don't reply to my emails any more. Support from my CPN once a week or once a fortnight isn't going to be enough for me I don't think. I see a support worker too every couple of weeks but I don't feel able to talk to her.

The volunteering would be befriending an older adult. I think it will be ok as long as I get on well with the person.

[Sketchy]

That's good that writing helps. Could you tell your cpn that you need someone to talk to? Maybe she can come up with a plan. Keep writing and posting here too. I may not always have good advice, but I will listen.