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Old 22-02-2008, 04:53 AM   #1
I don't know how to live on anymore. . .
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Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - Dealing with Rape

Hi, I . . . just have to talk. I was raped three years ago by my boyfriend, I was 14. He touched me many times, and I said no, damd it, I said no. I didn't tell anyone, and since then have had a lot of problems with SI, and other nasty addictions, as well as suicide. I can't keep a relationship and I always seem to attract people that hurt me. I am going to counseling again, and we are finally getting on the subject. I have surpressed these memories because I can't deal with them, I can't deal with what happened. That's why I began cutting myself three years ago. Now, my counselor says I have to go into that dark place and its scaring me. All these horrible emotions and flashbacks, they are taking over my life, and I am no closer to knowing how to deal with them then before. I cant remember, its too hard, it hurts so damn much.
I'm afraid, because I don't want to live anymore, nothing I do gives me the will or strength to want to make it through one more day. If I could kill myself without hurting people around me, I'd already be dead, but I am scared because I want to die so much. I don't have the strength and energy to keep going, no matter how hard I try. My life is falling into pieces, and I don't know how to put it back together, and part of me doesn't think it is possible. Im just so . . . empty. I have spent these last few years trying to find fillers for this empty, and still I am more empty than ever. I have given everything I can, but my best isn't enough. I . . . don't what to do anymore.

"I cannot change the past, but my future is my chance to prove I can change."

"Sometimes our deepest wounds, are the ones we inflict on ourselves."

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

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Old 22-02-2008, 05:53 AM   #2
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I know its hard. But you have to trust me when I say I know EXACTLY how you feel. My bf of almost 2 years raped me also. I sh because of it and have flashbacks also. if you wanna talk im here to listen. But know your stronger then you think. please dont give up. you can do it!

Hanasanaide: boku ga soba ni iru yo
Samishkunaku naru made te wo tsunagou

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Old 22-02-2008, 08:50 AM   #3
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I have read studies that showed police departments and other workers exposed to traumatic events do worse over time when they get counsleors who rush in after the events to counsel them. That was no surprise to me.

A shock or trauma suspends a persons "critical functions" (what hypnotists will describe as the conscious ability to reason and protect the psyche from harm etc). When a shock suspends critical functions the door to the unconscious is open to suggestions and impressions that get in and can exert pressure on the psyche and intellect (and even the body since it has a form of memory).

Struggling with these memories and impressions can actually make them worse. Focusing on them too much also makes them worse. Concentration is one function of hypnotic fixation. If you have a lot of circular thinking (the "tapes" that play in your head) and flashbacks your intellect is actually an extension of all the traumas and emotions that led to them. Your mind can become captive to trauma.

The good thing to do is learn to "defocus" on the problems instead of looking at then too intensely. If your not ready to deal with the past then its a mistake to goad you into it. I wouldn't blame you for feeling apprehensive.

You can learn to let things bubble up on there own and learn to notice them without over-reacting. Things can just burn off that way. So its like looking at things without looking at things. The wrong way is to try to look at them against your judgment and and end up feeling you have to block them again out of self preservation.

You'll be ok once you stop trying so hard to fight against thing. Healing happens naturally if you learn how to get out of the way of the complexes that make you sabotage yourself.

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Old 26-02-2008, 03:35 AM   #4
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I know how you feel. When I was raped I told absolutly no one because I was afraid of what people would say or how they would percive me.
I've also just recently found out from own experience that when you just start talking about it, it's really hard and you feel like your in a rut and you just couldn't be bothered to get out of bed. But trust me on this one, the more you talk about it, the easier it gets. I agree with Isoverity that you can't over analyse what happened. You almost have to just accept what's been done and move on from it. It's hard, I know, but you have people here to talk to you. PM me anytime if you just want to rant...


"Cause it's all how you make it out to be"

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Old 26-02-2008, 05:19 AM   #5
I don't know how to live on anymore. . .
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Accepting it . . . god thats hard. Thank you for your kind words, I really don't know what else to do, and its not like this is a great topic of discussion with friends and family, besides, I couldn't go there. So, I guess I just have to . . . I don't know. Talk about it when it seems right, but don't let it comsume me until then. Wow, sounds hard, lol, but really, thank you all.

"I cannot change the past, but my future is my chance to prove I can change."

"Sometimes our deepest wounds, are the ones we inflict on ourselves."

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

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Old 26-02-2008, 01:13 PM   #6
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I know this is nigh on impossible to do but could you try pretending it happened to someone else? That it wasn't you? Make up a person, what they look like, their name, their favourite foods etc the you can talk about what happened to you without having to say 'I'. Your counsellor will suss out what you're doing but it'd be great if you could tell her.

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Old 26-02-2008, 08:37 PM   #7
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i know what your going through as everyone else has said and it is hard and i guess someday it will get easier
your are incredibly brave so dont let others tell you otherwise
big hugs
p.s. pm me anytime


"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'"

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Old 24-06-2009, 02:11 AM   #8
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Hiya i was on this site looking for advice for my self when i came across your article. I know exactly how you are feeling! Last january i was raped twice by a vile man, i wont go into detail on here. Everyday i get up go to college and do al the everyday things i am meant too its soo hard o try and live a normal life and to have the energy todo all these things when all our energy is goin into just getting up in the morning! But its got to be done, i have felt suicidal on several occasions and have addmitedly tried to do something about it... iam getting better and stronger though and now i realise that if i do that he has won, not only did he take my dignity and self respect but he is taking my life and why should i let him do that because this time you are in control of it and they cant take that away from you!! I have a social worker and i havnt yet been able to open up to her and brig down my wall but everytime i see her i take down a brick at a time and let her in but its on my terms and in my own time. This may not be any conselation to you at all but i reported the man that done it too me and im soo scared but it has gone to court so they have enough evidenceto prosecute, im not only doing it for me but for all the women that couldnt speak out or didnt get as far for whatever reason, it may not be the person who done it to you but it will bring a little bit more justice for all us woman who have had to suffer at the hands of a sick man!!
I realy hope you become stoger from this when you are able too and realise that he is not worth your life!!!!

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Old 24-06-2009, 09:12 AM   #9
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Chloe-Louise you might want to start a new thread if you want advice because this thread is over a year old.
Hope you are ok
Take care

You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

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Old 24-06-2009, 11:46 AM   #10
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because this is an old thread im going to lock it. if the orgianl poster wants it reopened just drop me a pm.

Eva. Gone, but never forgotten 27.3.10

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