So low. It's one year since I was last discharged from the psych ward, but it just feels like a number to me. I've not really achieved anything with the year and I don't even want to ever achieve anything I just want to give up on life. It's not my efforts that have kept me out of hospital anyway, I've had good support and also a restriction on how long I'm allowed to stay in hospital. One year is enough time for me to have got back on my feet, I should be doing something with my life but I don't feel able to. My emotions etc haven't improved, I just physically can't do some of the risky things I used to do. I can't move forward. I am trapped here and I wish I was dead.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Carrying on and still being alive is an achievement given how much you are suffering. Is there anything you can do to have a break? Singing along to your favourite song, watching a funny film or tv programme. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm downplaying your problems, i don't mean to. I just thought I would suggest some things that sometimes help me when I am out of cope.
Thank you for your reply and thank you for the suggestions, I know you're not trying to downplay things. I had some chocolate last night in an attempt to somehow reward myself for staying out of hospital. I felt a bit better but I can't go chasing a sugar rush all the time. Feeling really low again today. I tried to go to my gym group but ended up getting the bus back home. I don't see the point in me being alive. I probably sound pathetic always saying that I'm suicidal yet I'm still here. Many other people manage to kill themselves so why don't I? I don't want to suffer any more. I'm really scared that I'm trapped here.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
You absolutely don't sound pathetic. I'm sorry that things feel so painful and impossible at the moment. I understand feeling that the fact you're still here is a negative thing but I think it takes a lot of strength to keep going when you feel so awful. I know you don't see things as achievements - but from where I'm standing, you have done amazingly well to keep going and to have been out of hospital for a year. I'm glad that you've had support to help you manage at home, but it still takes work from you. Try to give yourself a little credit (I know it isn't easy though).
Having some chocolate as a reward sounds good. Can you think of any other little things that make things feel a tiny bit less awful?
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I spent some time sorting out a soothing box/book yesterday evening and thought it seemed ok but as usual it was just the process of doing it and having things to buy that was keeping me going. I feel hugely, hugely low and I really wish I would die. I was listing all the things I'm grateful for when I was trying to get to sleep and I am grateful for them it's just that mood makes it hard to feel ok and I'm also worried about those things being taken away from me. I think about people like my CPN and how she has a 'normal' adult life. I am abnormal. I don't fit in and I can't live well. Everything needs to end. There is no hope. My CPN thinks I do have hope because I keep coming to see her. It's only for pain relief and so I'm not alone. I want to overdose. I at least want to self harm well.
A lady spoke to me when I was waiting on the bus home and it was hard. When I got off the bus a neighbour was walking past and I tried hard to avoid her but she was so slow that I had to talk to her. I feel distant and floaty and like there is something thick inside my head when I have social contact. I am not supposed to be a human. I am seriously good for nothing and it would be better for everyone and for me if I was dead. I want this existence to end. I want out. Everything hurts too much. Another neighbour came to the door with a questionnaire thing and invited me to a residents meeting. He said he sees me walking past. I can't come to a meeting and be seen by all my neighbours and have nothing to say and be anxious. I am less than nothing. There is no point in me. I give little to the world and I feel little of what is given to me. I am so miserable and I don't want to be trapped. I need to do X. I don't want anyone to save me and I suppose I have to be sorry for not allowing anyone to try and convince me to change my mind. I am just a drain on resources, a cause of worry, an annoyance. Please give me the strength to take myself away. No one understands how desperate I am and how terrifying it is to feel like I'm trapped with distress and with myself in this existence. I don't want to keep getting by and keep wading through the misery. I want everything to end forever. I feel too low and lacking in energy to self harm. I need out. Please let me out. There is no life solution. If I was able to overdose regularly like I used to that might provide a bit of a break but I can't do that any more. Fuck. Everything is hopeless. Just die please.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I really wish someone would help me to die. I don't seem to have the courage to do it myself. This isn't an acute crisis period for me, I am almost always suicidal. I think I am actually always suicidal it's just on rare occasions it's not a focus for me. In sound mind I am saying that I want help to die. I don't care what good things could happen in the future that I would miss out on, it's absolutely fine. I can't even get emotional support because I'm not a risk to myself and even reassurance and kindness from good people face to face doesn't make me feel better for long. This is not living and it is way more of a life than some other people have. This is a life but I can't feel it because of my mood etc. There is absolutely no hope and I have had enough of whatever this existence is. I don't want to suffer any more.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
100% of my conscious self sees no hope of things getting better. I go to appointments etc purely because I don't want to be alone with things but I can't see anything positively changing in the future. People don't seem to understand. I want to die but I'm too weak and it feels like I've unwillingly been put on life support because my body just keeps on going. People are always saying what can you do/try/change? Nothing touches this pain and it's overwhelming. I have tried so many things and I can see no realistic life options.
I went for a walk with my CSW. She didn't seem to understand how low and trapped I am. She spoke about simple activities that would help people who are not seriously low and mentally ill. She thinks the DWP can't force me into work if I'm not well enough. But they will say I am well enough. I spoke about the only life thing I can think of that might help is overdosing but I can't swallow enough tablets any more. She said she's glad that's not going to happen and then went on about how we have to take responsibility for ourselves. I hate when people say that. It's like they're saying I'm not being responsible for myself and also like I don't deserve help. Maybe this isn't what they mean. I know that my perceptions of meaning can be off, if it's the truth when people tell me they don't mean these things, and I know people don't always mean the exact dictionary definition of a word and that I sometimes look to the dictionary definition for strict inflexible meaning. Words hurt me. I know some words like 'refuses' are commonplace in health care like 'refused PRN' and I know it's the same as writing 'said she did not need PRN at this time' or whatever, it's just a shorter, less detailed version probably to save time. But with the responsibility discussion it really feels like I'm being criticised and given a row. I know I have responsibility for myself, I can't ever get away from myself and my actions and my responsibilities. Also when people say 'I can't stop you from killing yourself' etc, I usually think - I didn't ask you to, you are assuming that I am refusing to take responsibility for myself and am trying to pass it on. MY CSW was grilling me on what I had done differently after my appointment with my CPN, because my CPN told me not to look at X but look for support instead. I told her about the soothing box but I felt like that wasn't enough of an answer for her. I'm not trying hard enough. The thing is I have been suicidal and a self harmer for a long time and I feel like I've exhausted all the info on distractions and staying safe. I do look for ideas but never find anything I haven't seen before and didn't know about so looking is mostly a waste of time. My CSW thinks I need to believe there is hope that I can have a good future, I need to challenge my thoughts. I can't force myself to believe in something I see no evidence of being true.
And I'm sorry that it looks like I'm so lazy and just not trying hard enough. Everything just feels hopeless and like there really is no helpful options.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I hear that you're working hard to look after yourself and take responsibility. When I was in hospital and needed extra help I would tell the nurse at the start what things I had already tried, so that they couldn't just tell me to try things I had already done, and knew that I was really trying.
I've been more anxious about peoples safety since I learned about the message in my tinnitus. I notice things like the affect I have when I cross the road. What if one day a car stops at a junction and lets me cross the road and when they pull out after I cross they are in a crash that they wouldn't have been in if I hadn't been there to make them stop to let me cross? I feel dangerous and responsible for everyone. I had an appointment with my CPN today and I was really anxious in the waiting area thinking about all the people in the building who were vulnerable and worrying about how my CPN would get help if someone attacked her.
I also spoke to my CPN about the usual hating myself. She said other people don't hate me and people who know me now think positively of me. I'm not sure if she included people not knowing about my past or people who have known me in the past, there was something about the past anyway. It made me wonder if it's possible that I was a bad person in the past but that I have changed and am now less of a bad person. Can someone bad gradually become good? It's just a thought, I don't believe I can ever be a better person and I can't forgive myself for bad things I've done in the past. Badness is ingrained in me and it defines me, in my eyes. But at the same time I don't want other people to have bad feelings towards me. Maybe I am a bit better now. Maybe I do have some good, kind qualities. I am trying but I can never get rid of my innate evil. I want to be good. I am sorry for my wrongs. I try not to hurt anyone intentionally or unintentionally. I have never intentionally hurt people in the past though, it has all been unintentional. But I will be extra, extra careful now.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
Everything is completely insane and exhausting at the moment. It has been for a while but it seems to be getting worse. I'm not sure how much I should share on here because I'm worried about who might have access to my laptop but they probably know I know about them anyway. I'm sleeping worse than usual because of noises etc in my house and I know who is making them. I went and sat in my car one night and phoned Breathing Space since I was advised to phone them and not the police, and the lady spoke to me for a while but turned the discussion around and left me feeling hopeless. I've been trying to listen to soothing sounds/music when I go to bed but I'm scared of what noises it might be masking and I know they laugh at me when I listen to one of the lullaby melodies.
I phoned the informal crisis team yesterday because I have no idea what to do. Luckily I got through to someone who knows me quite well so I managed to speak. She left me feeling confused and unheard though in the sense that she is way off what is actually happening. She thinks I either heard a noise and now I'm focusing on all noises or it's to do with my MH but she said people who hear voices etc can see they're not real if someone points it out to them. She suggested I look in the place in my house or I think about what my feelings might be trying to tell me. It's dangerous to look there. Everything is ridiculously stressful and there's no answer and no one can help me because they don't believe in the men. I'm going to crack up because there is so much danger in the physical world and danger from the men and other people like them. I probably just have to accept this and live with it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry that things are so difficult and that when you do try to reach out people don't seem to really understand. I know that can be incredibly difficult and isolating. I do think it's brilliant that you're trying so hard to communicate what's going on for you though, so please don't give up on that.
Would you be able to speak to your CPN about this stuff, and maybe even ask her to support you with looking at that place in your house, if you think that might be helpful?
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I feel like my CPN would maybe be the only person who I could really communicate things to properly, maybe just because I see her face to face. Although I did mention some things to her when I saw her last week and she told me I need to rationalise things and that it's probably my cats who are making noise. She's off next week and I'm seeing her again the following Wednesday. I'm seeing my CSW for a walk tomorrow but she's one of the people who rarely hears me. I do feel quite alone because no one is understanding things from my point of view. I can usually make myself heard in some sense but with this it's just like no one is really listening because they try to find their own explanations and change the subject and stuff. I say the words but no one takes them in. Their explanations and things that they tell me I should do don't touch me because they are not true to my experiences. It's like I'm speaking a different language where everyone only knows the meanings of the words but they don't understand how the words join up together to make a story.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
It really is weird. I feel like I have to put this here to acknowledge my thoughts. Usually I talk to people about how I'm feeling and what is going on etc and they connect and understand in some way that allows them to respond to me in a way that I feel heard and understood. I honestly feel like some kind of alien or that I'm speaking a language that no one understands when I talk about what is going on in my house. They don't seem to get it at all and there is a physical feeling in my brain when they don't get it and I'm left feeling hopeless after trying my hardest to communicate. It's like I've actually just said nothing. It wasn't too bad when my CPN dismissed me because it was getting to the point in the appointment where I usually feel overwhelmed and just listen to what she's saying without having much input but I spoke to someone from Breathing Space for 51 minutes and spoke to someone from the informal crisis team for 46 minutes but at the end of the conversation I had got absolutely nothing from it. It feels so strange. I often feel disconnected from people but this is making me feel almost invisible. I'm probably not explaining this right. It's mostly not important anyway other than I feel so detached and alone.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
What could people/professionals do or say that would make you feel heard? Is there anything they could do that you think would be helpful? I’m sorry you are finding things so problematic.
Thanks for your reply. I actually have no idea because it's just words and they understand everything else I say. It does feel sort of physical, like something connects when I talk about other things with people but when I talk about this there is no physical connected feeling in my head. It's like their words are waves that have completely passed over me. In that case it might be me who is the 'problem' not that I meant anyone else was a problem before, maybe it's me who is having difficulty understanding and accepting and hearing. I don't know. I'm so confused.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I tried to explain things again today, to my CSW. I told her there are too many words but also no words. She said I look brighter than last week. She doesn't see me clearly. She wants me to be changing things and trying things to make myself feel better but I have no idea what those things are. She said to rationalise any noise I hear and do mindfulness when I'm trying to sleep. She thinks it's ok if I live with the people and we don't bother each other. At first she seemed to think the people weren't making me anxious. She wants me to nip things in the bud so they don't get to the point where I can hardly spend much time at home. I mentioned that I know there is a possibility that it could be me who isn't understanding what other people are saying rather than other people not understanding me but she seemed to think I meant that people are saying too complex explanations which is totally not what I mean.
There is a physical detach when I talk to anyone about what is going on right now. Maybe it's just because I'm not used to talking about it since I've been afraid that the people would overhear me or something so I didn't say anything in the house and then when I was out and had appointments it didn't seem important to talk about it any more. It's more scary now though. I don't know what to do.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I went to buy a pair of shoes today and it was really horrible. I was standing with a shoe for ages and the staff kept walking past me and asking everyone else if they needed any help. I probably should have spoken up but they always seemed busy and they were asking other people if they needed help so I don't know why they didn't ask me. I felt so uncomfortable and like I should just get out of the shop. I didn't want to have massively wasted my time so I continued to stand there. I imagined people watching me on the CCTV and laughing.
It's so hard being perceived. I don't even have to do anything and I look like an idiot. Then when I move or talk I look worse. I hate myself. I hate that formal notes about perceptions of me are kept. A hospital OT wrote about how I made a joke about a car reg plate that said MHA meaning that it was mental health act. All my stupid and awkward gestures and speech are noted. A CSW in hospital thought I was a miserable person and when I joked with him he said 'see it doesn't hurt to smile.' But I'm always trying to be lighthearted with people and I had been informal with him and asked about the book he was writing etc. Why did he hate me so much? I read a past blog entry from hospital where I went up to the nurses' station crying and everyone ignored me. I said will someone please help me and they continued to ignore me. It's because I have BPD. People think that I'm actually not hurting. To have my pain dismissed is very upsetting. I don't have the right emotional skills, abilities, and coping mechanisms to live like a 'normal' human. I am hurt by everything.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.