Sorting it out.

[Aubergine]

I need to sort myself out. 11 years this crap has been going on. I was 20 when the madness started. I'm 31 now. It needs. to. stop. I have been sectioned multiple times, hurt myself to the point of surgery and admissions for IV antibiotics. It needs to stop. Now. The schizoaffective crap will probably always be there, but the behaviour. My goodness. That needs to go away.


I've been working 16 hours a week for not far off six years. It needs to improve. I need to improve. I've got potential. Everyone tells me that. I don't always believe it, but there is at least a bit of intelligence there. I need to challenge myself before my brain starts to atrophy. It feels like groundhog day. Work, stay in bed, self-harm, appointments, hospital, medication etc. I'm grateful for all of the support I've received, as it has most definitely saved my life, but my goodness am I frustrated that there's been NO PROGRESS.


I've applied for a couple of jobs. I'm not going to rush into anything, as I'm comfortable how I am with regards to finances, accommodation, job, support network etc. I can choose to be picky when it comes to positions and hours and location. I don't HAVE to move jobs. I just want to. I need something new.


I need to shower every day, wash my clothes, keep the flat tidy etc. I do, but not to the standard that I should. It's OK though. Tomorrow is a new day.


Any advice on moving forward? How did you make progress?

[Aubergine]

OK, so there has been a bit of progress:


- I went back to work after a severe mood/psychotic episode.

- I am able to reflect on what happened - I now have good insight.

- I got a distinction in my OU module, which my tutor said was by far the highest in her group.

- The MH team acknowledge that I work really hard at using my skills to stay well.

- I'm trying to make the effort. I'm cycling to see a friend tomorrow, when I could have quite easily stayed at home ans not got out of bed.

- I look after my cat extremely well.


That's progress, right? It is. It may not be massive achievements to people who don't have a mental illness, but for me, it's a win. I spoke to the out of hours MH team tonight and it was really helpful. I need to be aware of the schizoaffectiveness, but I can't let worrying about another episode take over my life. I need to live. But how? How do I live? Four years I went out of hospital, swore I'd never go there again, but I did. How do I get past that? Ugh.

[Auror.]

I don't know that I have answers, but it sounds like you are on the right track. Being able to reflect and have awareness so that you can put things in place for when things get bad is huge, and wanting to challenge yourself I think in itself is a sign that you are making progress and doing better. I'm really glad you can see and acknowledge your own progress too!

[Eska]

^ I agree with Camden, you're doing great and wanting to move forward is a positive thing, not a reason to berate yourself! You can absolutely be proud of yourself for how much progress you have made in being able to live well despite your illness.