I've recently come out of hospital after being on section for 3 months. It's great to be out but I've gone back to feeling really low and I'm already beginning to stock pile meds although I'm not planning on doing anything yet. I'm hoping it might just be time of the month but I'm really scared I'm going back downhill again and I really don't want to go into hospital ever again. I feel so disgusted with myself because I was binge eating a lot in hospital and have put on a lot of weight and I've been having a hard time with memories/flashbacks. I've made a food diary and have managed to eat healthily for 6 days now but I still feel so fat and disgusting. I'm going out with my housemates tonight which I'm scared about because of a past experience in a nightclub and I know I'm also not going to be able to control my alcohol intake. I really want to cut badly and I know I'm more likely to if I've been drinking but I've just moved into a new house and don't want to worry the others if they hear me going out (to A&E) at some ridiculous hour of the morning. I really can't afford to mess up again. I'm either going to end up dead (which I don't mind) or spiralling down until I have to go into hospital again and that'll mess up uni and I'm scared they'd say I'd have to leave. I'm scared to tell the mental health advisor I see (from the uni because the CMHT won't see me as they're only taking on priority cases) that things are like this because I'm supposed to be doing better. I was only discharged on Tuesday and things are already not good. I don't know what to do.
awh hun =\ i dont have any advice unfortunately but just wanted you to know i read and love you loads =[
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I think talking to the advisor is a good idea hun. There is no shame in admitting you are struggling, it is not a failing. She may be able to help you with some strategies or extra support to keep you stable and stop the sinking. I hope you manage to stay safe.
I remember when I came out of hospital my mood did deteriorate for a little while. I was petrified that I was trying to stay stable and yet still felt myself going backwards. I think sometimes coming out of a safe environment like hospital where there are people to talk to if necessary (even when you hated the experience), is fairly normal. It's a big change. You are basically going from being safe with no responsibility to having to take charge of your own life again. It's scary.
Yeah I hope it's just getting used to being out again. I'll try to talk to the advisor when I see him next week but I don't feel able to at the moment. I did go out last night but amazingly managed to control how much I drank and didn't harm.
good job on getting thru the night.
Ive felt the same after coming home from Ip or the TC...it is scary. It always seems to take a few days to adjust again.
Pls do try and tell someone, maybe they can help and keep you from sinking too far and ending back IP.
Good luck and let us know what happens ok?
xxx
You're doing really well, it must be a struggle to adjust to being out again. I think it would be good for you to talk to the advisor, there is no shame in asking for help/support.
Take care of yourself, *huggles*
C x
I saw my doctor today. She said I seemed really positive. I couldn't bring myself to tell her it was just a front because I didn't want to disappoint her. I'm a failure.
Everyone is out tonight. I'm finding it very hard not to use it as an opportunity to cut badly and have a trip to A&E without anyone finding out. Have already cut but it's fine just being steri-stripped at the moment but I'm finding it so hard not to do more. Hadn't cut badly in a week and a half. It feels too long. Pathetic really. Not even a week since I've been discharged - I need to go longer than that.
I'm scared. I don't want to mess up again but I'm heading that way at the moment. I need to turn it around. Do well again. Hopefully it's just PMT. I'll be ok. I thought I'd last longer than this without the suicidal thoughts. I know I'm not planning on acting on them yet but I'm still stock piling. What am I doing? How did I get here already. I'm supposed to be better for goodness sake. I don't want to mess up uni. I want to succeed. But I still want to be dead. Not going to tell my doctor or the mental health advisor how I'm doing because either I'm not going to do anything in which case they don't need to know or I'm going to do it and succeed. I can't have them stopping me again because I don't want to go into hospital ever again. I don't ever want to get to that desperate stage of having to do something but being stopped and feeling so out of control and helpless. I don't ever want to be locked in a room with no communication with anyone for days on end ever again. I don't want to be restrained and injected ever again. I don't want to hear the alarms or be pulled down the corridor in a headlock ever again. I don't want the nasty comments by some of the nurses. I don't want to feel so trapped and caged in. I don't want to be watched constantly not even being allowed to go to the toilet on my own. I don't want to be pinned to the floor screaming and kicking hysterically. I don't want any of that ever ever again. So I can't let them know about how I'm doing at all, I've got to keep telling them I'm fine so that if things do go down then they won't know and they can't section me again. Because I really don't think I'd go voluntary. Unless I was thinking clearly enough at the time that I could go voluntary and discharge myself after a couple of days. But knowing how it went last time I won't be thinking like that, I'll just be desperate not to go. And I'm scared because I know I'm going to do something sooner or later because I've got the ideas. I know exactly what to do. And even though I'm not going to do it now, I'm already working towards that, stocking up my sleeping tablets so that I have them even when they stop prescribing them to me. I'm not collecting the over the counter meds yet. I can get them any time. But I'm only going to be prescribed sleeping meds for so long and then they'll stop and I won't be able to get hold of them, so I have to keep them. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm split in two between wanting to do stuff and not wanting to go down that road ever again but I seem to not be able to help myself at the moment. I'm scared.
And I still can't decide whether to go deeper or not. It's 12 now though. The others would probably be back before me if I went to A&E now so I'd better not. I must be strong. But I want to. A lot. Why am I such a mess up? I'm sorry.
It sounds like hospital was traumatic for you. That would be traumatic for anyone, and is hardly an environment conducive towards recovery.
How would you feel about discussing alternatives with your doctor?
I'm not sure there's much else my doctor can do. She's making a referral for me to go to a therapeutic community so I'm hoping I can hold off doing anything until that's in place and then that might help me so that I don't. Feeling very slightly better today. Have been helping out at the freshers fair so have been busy which is good for me. Doing the same again tomorrow. Got very upset last night and cried myself to sleep because I missed my best friend but it was actually good to cry as I hadn't in ages and it acted as a release.
I feel really bad tonight. Feel on the edge of tears.
My housemate just asked me if I wanted to go swimming tomorrow. I've said yes but I'm scared. My leg has cuts and the word FAT cut into it several times. I'm planning on wearing shorts but what if I'm not allowed to wear them? I'm a failure. I fail at everything.
I can't cope with uni. There's no way I'm going to last the year without breaking down and trying to kill myself again. But then I'm most likely going to do it whether or not I carry on with uni. On one hand uni helps keep me motivated, on the other it stresses me out. It's catch 22. I feel so low.
I've been reading a story and it's triggered me. I can feel him on me again. I feel pathetic for letting it upset me when it wasn't that bad. I still can't seem to accept it as s*xual assault like my last psychologist and the ward psychologist said. I thought finally disclosing it and talking about it would help but it just made it worse so I'm too scared to talk about it ever again. Not that I have anyone I can talk to about it at the moment anyway. I'm a dirty little slut. I let him do it. I could've stopped it. I still don't know whether all of it was real or whether my mind is playing tricks on me. I don't even know whether I want to know.
I want to cut badly. Bleed all the bad and hurt and fear away. I want to die. I don't want to live anymore. I'm not actively suicidal but I wish I was. I don't think it'll be that long before I am again. And I'm scared. I don't want to get to that place again. I'm too scared to admit it to anyone. I'm supposed to be doing well. I can't let them down. I need to cry. I want to run and run and escape all this but I can't escape myself. I want it to all be ok. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to want to hurt myself all the time. I want to be better but no matter how hard I try I don't seem to be able to do so. I'm scared. I'm so very scared.
I wish, I really really wish that I'd never told my doctor about being suicidal before. Then I wouldn't have been sectioned. No one would have known what I'd done. I would've died. I so really wish I had.
I have no words, I'm so sorry, but I just wanted you to know I read and I care. A lot.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and yeah, if you need to rant text/PM/whatever me, I wish I could help
xxxx
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I just got back from A&E. Gave in and cut badly. I spoke to someone from the mental health team there though and I was nearly completely honest with them. I admitted to feeling suicidal again although not actively but that I thought that wouldn't be long. I also admitted to not taking my sleeping tablets although gave a different reason as I'm scared if I said it was because I was stockpiling them that he would tell my doctor and she would stop prescribing them to me. He's going to talk to my mental health advisor and GP and let them know that I'm struggling as I can't seem to do it myself. He's also going to recommend that my anti-depressant is increased and is going to chase up my appointment with the psychiatrist. My arm is really hurting but I can't decide whether I deserve a painkiller or whether I should put up with it because it's my own fault. I've got to be up in 4 hours as I"m supposed to be going jogging in the morning before my group. Not sure I'm going to be able to but I can't let my housemate down and also need to exercise to lose weight.
Went home for the weekend and found it quite hard. Hadn't been home since the beginning of June. I found out we're moving to the other end of the country. Really don't want to move. Whilst we're still there it's still my home but if we move then it's just going to be somewhere I stay during the holidays. I won't be there long enough for it to feel like home. It'll be mum and dad's house. I really don't want to lose my room and home. Also feel really bad because I'd put up the fact that we're moving on Facebook and then just got really told off by my mum because apparently no one is supposed to know at the moment. I didn't know that and she was really angry so now I feel really bad.
Feel really really scared that I'm going to do something 'stupid' soon. Seem to be coming closer to doing something every day. I don't want to end up in hospital again.
I'm overly stressing out about my assignments. I don't think I can cope with them and I'm scared it's going to push me over the edge. I need to start them this week but I can't even face organising my time in order to do them never mind sitting down and doing them. Panicking.
I've started restricting again. Have been since Wednesday. I'm already stuck back into the pattern of it again. I'm hungry but just can't face allowing myself any food because I've already had 'too much' today, even though the rational part of me knows that it's nowhere near enough. I just can't face it though. I can't do the losing weight healthily. The only way I can manage to stop the urges to binge and overeat is to restrict. I don't know whether I'm kidding myself or not but I'm persuading myself it's ok because I've done it several times before and always managed to start eating again afterwards. Admittedly it was very hard and was only because my parents cottoned on to what was happening and forced me. I have to do this though.
I feel so anxious and scared tonight. I don't feel like I can cope.
*hugs* im dorry to hear you're struggling
im sorry, i dont have much useful to say, i just wanted you to know that i care
Uni sounds asthough its stressing you out, is there any chance you could talk to your personal tutor or head of department and maybe get an extension? It just might help take a bit of pressure off you while you're struggling
Rationally you know resticting isnt a wise idea, but i completely understand that sometimes rationality goes out the window and that lil voice inside takes over. Try and fight it sweetie, you need to eat, your body needs food. Though i know its hard to fight sometimes. But restricting is going to make your mood lower too
Take care sweetie, if you ever want someone to talk to im only a pm away
xx
I should be getting a mentor soon who will help me organise my work. I've still got a couple of weeks before the essay has to be in and another 5 weeks until my mini-project but if it gets closer to the time and need an extension then I'll ask for one.
I saw my doctor today. She's increased my anti-depressants and has given me my last prescription for my sleeping meds. She asked how many I had and I said only 2. She asked twice whether I was sure and I said yes. It's a complete lie. I haven't taken them for weeks. I can't get anymore now though.
I know restricting isn't good but I have to do it. I'm already stuck into the ways of it and panic if I have more than my set amount per day which I know is ridiculously low. My doctor today said she thought I had an eating disorder but I think that's stupid. I fulfill none of the criteria for any eating disorder. She said because for the last 6 years I've switched between starving for a few months and then binging/overeating for a few months that that's an eating disorder but it's not, it's just messed up eating. I'm not ill. For binge-eating disorder it needs to go on for 6 months and I've only been doing it for 4. I've only been restricting since Wednesday and I'm not underweight so it's not anorexia. So basically she's talking rubbish. I know it's not healthy but I definitely don't have an ED.
