Originally Posted by
Tia4tw
But i dont know what im doing anymore because i look back at the past year and i think "Was that me? Did i really do those things? Why do i see my memories as if i was someone watching it happen not from my point of view?". i dont understand whats going on its almost like it wasn't me self harming... it wasn't me sayign and doing those horrible things but i bare the guilt of all the things the other me did. I cant seem to pull myself out of this depression that i seem to be spiralling downwards into.
The problem is your functioning from conditioning or "false programming" of sorts. People do have a false self and a true one, and very often people who hate themselves don't hate themselves but the "person" they became that they are in conflict with.
Part of that problem is being lost in thoughts and emotions. You know that when you get upset your mind races - and then that causes more upset so it's a cycle. When a person sinks into their thinking and feeling they lose objective awareness and can lose touch with themselves if not reality itself. This is a reason a lot of arty type people are more prone to pyschosis - they live in their thoughts and feelings.
The fact you are aware of what's been happening to you is very good. You'll come back to yourself. There have been things in life that upset you and caused you to doubt yourself and that causes more upset. It's natural to feel hurt, pain etc but those go away if they are left alone to health. Adding resentment to the experiences is what really does the damage.
That is especially true with parents because if you resent your parents you will feel anxious, guilty, low and self conflicted. It's ok not to like them if they weren't good but to hate them is deadly.
You don't need to analyze too much because that breeds confusion. If you let go of the suppressed emotions naturally and don't struggle you will find a new clarity and you will have "realisations" or "aha" experiences as you re-connect with your roots. Any bad habits like SI or smoking, drinking etc can clear up on their own once the driving force is reduced. Struggling with symptoms makes things worse and causes a sense of futility and demoralisation. When you don't have suppressed negative feelings anymore there will be no need for releases, coping mechanisms etc.