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Old 06-01-2019, 02:22 PM   #1
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I just donít know anymore.

Iíll try not to delete this like I have with past threads.

Everything is going wrong in life. Every single time it starts to go right it goes wrong again and I just donít know how to cope with it all. There are bits missing from this that I wonít be able to explain because legal reasons or that I just donít know how to explain but Iíll try.

Last year started in a mixture of complications following a miscarriage and some stalker issues (canít go into depth on this issue as it is an ongoing case) and then my dad died.

This then resulted in me losing two months of my life when I had a nervous breakdown and got absolutely no support from any form of mental health people as I was either Ďtoo severeí or not severe enough. A formal complaint was put in but not much was taken other than Ďlessons learntí which is what I wanted. Didnít want anyone to have to go through what I did during that two months because from what I vaguely remember of the period I only survived because of my mother.

Returning to work has been oainful. I feel like Iíve been replaced and they are keeping me on a the token sick person, but from having spoken to several members of staff this is not the case and Iím just being paranoid. Iím trying to prove Iím ok to be there but sometimes I just feel like Iím making it all worse.

I thought I was ok and coping. But having finally got some support from mental health and being on the waiting list for group therapy; something Iím not happy with because talking in groups is a big no no, and I only agreed to it because itís all they are offering me. I ended up under crisis over Christmas even though Iíve felt fine/relatively stable for me.

They wanted me in hospital over Christmas as a precaution, which I outright refused unless they were going to section me. This turned into a massive argument over Christmas with them. Because I felt that the issue they had, that it was the first without dad and I might not cope was stupid. As a family we had come up with a new way to celebrate Christmas and everyone who knows about the situation all agreed that the best thing for me this year was to spend it with family and bit prolong the agony of a further Christmas being a Ďfirst without dadí so to speak.

Iím not sure if I am in denial about how bad things are, but honestly I felt like crisis made things worse over the past few weeks, luckily Iím being discharged from there care and back into normal services as Iím having weekly meetings to prepare me for group therapy as that starts next month.

I just, I feel frustrated and Iím not sure if my feelings are justified or not.

It doesnít help that Iíve just found out my mum has cancer. Yeah itís treatabke but itís just, why can life go ok? Why does it seem to be one thing after another???

Sorry this is a lot of waffle.

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Old 06-01-2019, 07:09 PM   #2
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I'm sorry things keep going wrong for you, it's so difficult when it seems to be one thing after the other. It sounds like you have been fighting so hard for support etc and you know what helps and what doesn't. Do you know what about crisis made things worse for you? Are there things you feel you do need right now? It's ok to feel frustrated, it's ok to feel whatever you feel because they are your feelings and they are valid and justified. Are you happy with the support you're receiving from the MH team other than the group therapy? Do you have any support from people in your personal life? I know things feel completely awful and it's hard to see what the point in everything is. Please look after yourself and use the support you have if it helps. Things will move on and hopefully at some point you will feel like things are a whole lot better.





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Old 06-01-2019, 08:56 PM   #3
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The main issue I’ve had with crisis is that when I was sectioned in June by the police, they discharged me pretty quickly, whereas in the run up to Christmas when I felt stable and was doing everything they asked of me (daily phone calls, tracking my mood etc), they decided that if a bed was available they wanted me to be in hospital for Christmas. They thought I wouldn’t cope being out over the first Christmas without dad.

Found out Christmas Eve there wasn’t a bed and everything was fine over Christmas as I’d told them.

I’m annoyed with MH people in general because of how I was treated over the summer, and the fact they seem to ignore certain things I say. But I also am aware that due to funding etc I’m lucky to be offered anything at all. But it just feels like too little too late if that makes sense.

My manager at work is a really great friend and she supports me a lot but she agreed with the crisis team that I should have gone into hospital for Christmas when they were discussing it. But I get the impression that any time I have a bad day she panics.

I dunno.

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Old 07-01-2019, 03:54 AM   #4
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I think your feelings of frustration are certainly valid, I am frustrated just reading everything you've written. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like your family has had to cope with an awful lot recently, will you and your mother be able to go to your family for support through this if need be?

Sorry not much to add, just want to say with all that you've had going on it sounds like you're actually coping really well, and that your feelings are valid. I wish you were able to get more recognition of that and more support.



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Old 07-01-2019, 05:23 PM   #5
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I can definitely understand your frustration. It seems like crisis had different ideas about what you needed than what you thought you needed on both of those occasions. It's really frustrating when people don't hear you. Have you ever had someone to advocate for you since you feel like people ignore some of the things you say? It must be difficult that your friend/manager panics so much, I guess she's just concerned though and wants to make sure you're ok.





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Old 07-01-2019, 09:49 PM   #6
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I think your feelings of frustration are certainly valid, I am frustrated just reading everything you've written. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like your family has had to cope with an awful lot recently, will you and your mother be able to go to your family for support through this if need be?

Sorry not much to add, just want to say with all that you've had going on it sounds like you're actually coping really well, and that your feelings are valid. I wish you were able to get more recognition of that and more support.
Thank you Camden. Mum doesnít want to tell anyone about it. Because in theory itís a type of cancer that once itís removed that should be it. But I know she isnít coping and I donít know what I can do to help. Iíve spoken to the siblings but they both live away so it isnít easy for them to come and help.

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I can definitely understand your frustration. It seems like crisis had different ideas about what you needed than what you thought you needed on both of those occasions. It's really frustrating when people don't hear you. Have you ever had someone to advocate for you since you feel like people ignore some of the things you say? It must be difficult that your friend/manager panics so much, I guess she's just concerned though and wants to make sure you're ok.
No, Iíve never had an advocate not sure how Iíd go about it.

I get why people are panicking at times, but it does also feel like Iím just not allowed the odd bad day. Just wish people would trust me more. Especially after Iíve proved I could cope at Christmas.

I suppose the big thing here is I probably need to allow time to pass for people to start to trust me more. Thatís why Iíve been trying to engage with the support offered, even though they know and I know that it will not help.

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Old 08-01-2019, 04:53 PM   #7
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That sounds really difficult to know that your Mum isn't coping and feeling like you have sole responsibility for worrying about her well being/supporting her. Could you bluntly say to your Mum that you know she's having a hard time and ask her if there is anything she needs from you? Maybe you could also mention how it's making you worry and that involving other people could be a good idea for her if she continues to struggle.

There are usually mental health advocacy services in most areas. Try searching the net for mental health advocacy in your area if you think it might be useful. I really do understand how frustrating it must be to be tiptoed around almost and have people thinking you are going to crack up at every little thing. It's good that you're trying to engage with the support, I suppose giving it a shot might be useful and you might find it helps in ways you didn't expect. Maybe also if you do engage and it doesn't work out your treatment team will be willing to offer something else since they see you are trying.





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Old 08-01-2019, 09:02 PM   #8
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She just never wants to talk about it so I’m giving her space.

There isn’t really anything else they can offer that I haven’t already tried or that doesn’t have a stupidly long waiting list. So I’m just going to see where it goes and expect to end up having to do it all by myself.

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Old 08-01-2019, 11:23 PM   #9
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Could you look around and see if there's like... support groups either in person or online forums for families dealing with cancer? Maybe at least that way you could get some support for yourself and be able to talk about stuff with people?

Sorry tell me if that's dumb and or obvious.



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Old 09-01-2019, 01:44 AM   #10
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Thanks for the suggestion Camden. Unfortunatley I have a phobia of speaking in groups so I’m not sure a group support thing would benefit me. Also, she could technically be cured by the end of this month depending on the type it is so I think for now letting mum deal with it this way is the way forward.

That said, I may set up a drs appointment for me just in case.

I could talk to the leader of the group I’m supposed to be joining as I’m currently having weekly meetings with her before I join sessions properly, but I don’t want them to make a big deal out of this until we know the situation.

I dunno.

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Old 09-01-2019, 03:03 AM   #11
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I think if you've explained it as you did here to the group leader that would be good? Just like a hey, this is a thing going on in my personal life it might end up okay or it might impact things in the near future but it's sort of currently unknown.



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Old 09-01-2019, 07:48 PM   #12
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That’s a really good idea. Thank you Camden.

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Old 12-01-2019, 10:08 AM   #13
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So I had my weekly meeting yesterday and it was... weird.

I’ve updated them about my mum and explained the whole situation there. They didn’t really say much about it.

We discussed in some detail about what I hoped to get out of group therapy, because we need to come up with goals for me apparently as this is a year long commitment. They accused me of not taking the support seriously because I just sat there and said I honestly don’t think it is worth coming up with goals for group therapy because I could see them agreeing with me in a month that it isn’t working.

We compromised and have agreed to come up with some goals to help in other areas of my life. Such as reintroducing some of my old coping mechanisms and helping me rediscover how to eat properly. (This May be tmi, but at the beginning of December I had a bowel obstruction and wasn’t able to eat for a while), my body is still struggling to maintain my weight following that)

So yeah, in some ways positive, in others... not so much.

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Old 16-01-2019, 08:08 AM   #14
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I'm glad they didn't make your family situation into a big deal.

Will you be getting any type of individual support along with the group therapy? I know I also find group therapy to be pretty ineffective but sometimes it's worth trying to put up with for the individual support that goes along with it. That doesn't make it less frustrating. But I know for me now that it's been directly observed that individual therapy is more helpful where group based therapy is not they've stopped pushing it as much. I know it's different in your country and system so it may not work that way.

I guess it's hard to say to try to go in open minded since I don't think you have an unrealistic idea of yourself and your abilities, and I think you're right to be worried what happens if/when it's deemed unhelpful. I do commend you for trying to come up with some other goals because I would hope that does show them you are trying to be willing as much as possible and under nonideal conditions.



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Old 16-01-2019, 10:23 AM   #15
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Unfortunatley they arent giving me any idividual therapy apart from these weekly sessions in the run up to me starting group. That said. I’m missing next weeks because I have graduation and I told them that was something very important that I have to do.

I am trying to keep an open mind about group, and I could even prove myself wrong. I mean I could outright refuse to do it. But I’m going to try.

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Old 24-01-2019, 10:42 PM   #16
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Help. I’m currently in a stupid argument with my mental health team.

Long story short; I have tried many, many different types of anti-depressants/anti-psychotics over the years and my body just can not tolerate them at all. This is something that is in my medical files.

I’m in the process of coming up with a contract with the mental health team about this group therapy I’m starting, so it’s all the things I want to get out of it, what they expect from me etc. And one thing they are adamant has to be on this agreement is that I have to try sertraline again.

I have explained to them, that sertraline is the first anti depressant that I tried years ago, and it is the one that triggers my Colitis. But they are not having it. I’m really not sure what to do. Part of me wa ta to just let them carry on with the ‘you don’t try this medication you don’t join the group’ threat because I’m not keen on the idea. But the other part of me knows I need to give this a go to show I’m willing to try.

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Old 24-01-2019, 10:49 PM   #17
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That's ridiculous. Do they have a reason why they want you to start the sertraline? Even so... It just seems ridiculous to me to put you under the stress and worry of a colitis flare. I don't even know if PALS is still a thing but if it is I would maybe contact them. Could your GP advise against the sertraline on a medical basis at all?

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Old 25-01-2019, 12:18 AM   #18
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Ugh.

So the way I got around something similar was by saying something along the lines of, "I don't feel my thoughts and past experiences surrounding medication are being heard and validated. I understand your concerns and why you think medication is something to be considered. This is something I am open to further discussion on."

I said this surrounding a few other things before I went back to treatment, and what this meant was that I wasn't saying outright no (even though no was still 100% going to be my answer no matter what). It just literally meant, it needed to be discussed further. This shows them some willingness, but also allows you to stand your ground.

I also agree with if there are any medical records you can access to show documentation, that it might also help.

I don't know whether or not this is a common thing that they do in the UK, but here there is genetic testing that can be done for psych medications, to see which types your body processes more effectively. It's expensive but you might also bring that up as something maybe worth discussing? If you've had bad reactions in the past that is.

That's immensely frustrating, especially if you had to have surgery recently and are still recovering. It sounds like you'd have valid medical ground to stand on, and it might just be that they need to be made aware of that, perhaps in further discussion?



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Old 25-01-2019, 09:37 AM   #19
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That is ridiculous! I have bad reactions to antidepressants too, I stopped them suggesting them by writing a list of all that I have been on, the doses etc and when I started to have a reaction. It is harder to deny the cause and effect in black and white.

Is colitis list on the pil? To show willing is there any antidepressants that you would prefer to try?



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Old 25-01-2019, 02:55 PM   #20
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That's ridiculous. Do they have a reason why they want you to start the sertraline? Even so... It just seems ridiculous to me to put you under the stress and worry of a colitis flare. I don't even know if PALS is still a thing but if it is I would maybe contact them. Could your GP advise against the sertraline on a medical basis at all?
They want me on some form of medication because of my diagnosis, which apparently overrules the physical health stuff, even though mh Colitis is a trigger for my mental health. Iím gonna see where it goes from here but I think I may complain to pals about it.

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Ugh.

So the way I got around something similar was by saying something along the lines of, "I don't feel my thoughts and past experiences surrounding medication are being heard and validated. I understand your concerns and why you think medication is something to be considered. This is something I am open to further discussion on."

I said this surrounding a few other things before I went back to treatment, and what this meant was that I wasn't saying outright no (even though no was still 100% going to be my answer no matter what). It just literally meant, it needed to be discussed further. This shows them some willingness, but also allows you to stand your ground.

I also agree with if there are any medical records you can access to show documentation, that it might also help.

I don't know whether or not this is a common thing that they do in the UK, but here there is genetic testing that can be done for psych medications, to see which types your body processes more effectively. It's expensive but you might also bring that up as something maybe worth discussing? If you've had bad reactions in the past that is.

That's immensely frustrating, especially if you had to have surgery recently and are still recovering. It sounds like you'd have valid medical ground to stand on, and it might just be that they need to be made aware of that, perhaps in further discussion?
I havenít had surgery?

Iíve already explained to them calmly about the issue, but they are insistent that for me to do therapy I need to be on medication. Might have to just call their bluff and see what happens.

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That is ridiculous! I have bad reactions to antidepressants too, I stopped them suggesting them by writing a list of all that I have been on, the doses etc and when I started to have a reaction. It is harder to deny the cause and effect in black and white.

Is colitis list on the pil? To show willing is there any antidepressants that you would prefer to try?
Problem is, after sertraline triggered my Colitis, Iíve willingly gone into other medication to see if they would help and unfortunatley theyíve either triggered the Colitis or another health condition I have.

They know all this yet are still insisting on it. It can take me, and did in fact take me months to recover from my last flare and it really does feel like that would be happy for that to happen.

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