I need help. I hate myself so badly. Can't seem to get over what happened when I was growing up. So many things remind me. I can be just sitting and all of a sudden, I'll be thinking of something that happened and most of the time it feels so REAL. Like its happening right now. Am I just crazy or what???
Hels: I'm sorry. I often feel ignored on the ward because of my being in a different time zone so I can relate to you here. I've only just managed to get online and catch up on about 6 pages or so in great detail.
I just want to say this to you: People do still care. I know that I do. You have been through a hell I can only imagine. I can't begin to understand the pain you must be feeling. But having said that, I don't know how I can help you. Can you help me to help you? What can I say or what can I do? Not to mention you have college/uni stress and stress with your best friends ... I don't want you to leave the VPW Hels, especially not for feeling ignored. But if you choose to go, I at least will try to keep in touch if that is okay.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I have been planning to leave RYL. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm sorry. Feel free to hate me.
I've had a really bad day & struggling. I just lost my temper with everything.
Helen-none of us hate you! and whilst we want you to stay, if you feel you want to leave, thats your choice, but we all want you to stay here on RYL. the ward just wouldnt be the same without you. *hugs*
You called me an angel, there must be a twist,
Have you ever seen an angel with scars on her wrist?
And blood trickling down from a gash on her arm,
Have you ever seen an angel self harm?-Unknown
split~ do you mean like flashbacks? and no, you are not crazy.
Hels~ I agree with Kahlia and everyone else.
I don't fully understand your situation and I at times don't know what to say (and don't want to say the wrong thing and make you feel worse). I'm sorry if I've contributed to your feeling ignored. I'm only on here sporadically and only during my workdays. Some days when I get a chance to come back in there's so many pages that have zipped past of everyone's posts that I can't get all caught up, sometimes it means skimming and other times it means skipping whole pages. It's not optimal for knowing what's going on but it's better to me than getting overwhelmed and whatnot.
If you do decide to leave RYL, do you have someplace else to post?
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
*hugs Mark good night* Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. Try not to think about it or keep track if you think that'd help you to be SI-free longer.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Hels: Remember, even if you leave the VPW, or even RYL as a whole, you can always come back. It, and we, will always be here for you. We, well I - I can't speak for anyone other than myself really - love you and will miss you. I'll send you a PM with my contact details for if you do decide to leave if you like.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I've never had those, but I am sure you're not alone. I know it's my username, but I really hate being called Ice Queen. Call me Lia. That must be horrible that they feel so real. Is there anything you can do to pull yourself back into reality when this happens?
*hugs everyone* the roads and conditions are so bad now that the office is being closed down and we're being sent home. I'll be back in either tomorrow (unless the roads are bad or worse) or Wednesday...
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
I'm so glad I was on a happy hype yesterday because it gave me the chance to think about how I was going to tell you all how f***ed up ny sleep has become. Since I stopped cutting, I've had insomnia. I stay awake for hours reliving my worst memories. Sometimes I lie in bed and a tear just slowly makes it's way down my face. I think about cutting almost everyday. Even if I have stopped - for now - that doesn't mean the urge isn't there. It's maddening. I think the longest I stayed awake once was 48 hours + on school nights. So when I finally slept, I was exhausted. I don't wake up from my nightmares anymore. No matter what they are; my mind forces me into submission and I have to stay in that hell until someone wakes me in the morning. I have never been one to scream in my sleep. People think that I'm a quiet sleeper but I scream so much in my dreams. Memories turn and twist themselves into the worst outcome of the days I relive and I scream and cry as I'm forced to watch and never wake. Not til the morning comes.
I'm sorry I've kept this from you. I hope you don't think bad of me. Or think I'm a freak or that I'm weird. I just needed to tell you. Although I haven't known you all that long... You're more my family than anyone else. I love you all.
I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in.
There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?
*hugs Shad* its really good that you could tell us. I can relate to so much of that, I've had insomnia for as long as I can remember, with it gradually getting worse in the last few years and I just lie there remembering everything crying and shaking. I find now that I sit in bed on my laptop, it keeps me distracted, can talk to others, watch stuff and play games, although there is always that point that I have to turn it off and try to sleep, which scares me like hell, but i find that after I have been on my laptop for a few hours I am more tired and if not I play on my phone.
sorry ranted on about me too much, if you want to talk ever always feel free to PM me. your not a freak, we're here for you.
"Never be a spectator of unfairness or studpidity. The grave will supply plenty of time for silence." Christopher Hitchens
'When words fail, music speaks'
I am transsexual and homoromantic and proud to be.
*hugs Shad* - Insomnia is something I know only too well. At the moment my sleep is better than it has ever been in my life. I spent most of my life (some 18 out of 29 years) sleeping no more than an hour a night if I slept at all. I went, and still sometimes go although it is getting less, for days or weeks with no sleep at all - and that's when I'm not manic. When I'm manic I can go for months without sleep. Sometimes I sleep through nightmares, and other times I wake up screaming so loud that I wake my housemate an he comes running in from the other room to find out what is wrong. I have to say though that I would have liked to have been able to participate in a study that is being done in Melbourne into Insomnia and Sleep Disorders. It's a pity I live too far away up here in North Queensland.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
