Intrusive thoughts, anxiety and guilt

[SilentlyBroken]

Hi everyone,

So this is probably going to be very rambly but I hope it somehow helps. So basically here's the situation.

I have a girlfriend who I am incredibly in love with, she is the love of my life and I want to marry and spend my life with her.
She's absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me and makes me so happy.
I noticed in the last few months every now and then i would think of something from my past for example, feel intense guilt and anxiety until i confess to her. She has always been amazing and understanding and patient even when I constantly need reassurance.
The point of this is I am now connecting these smaller episodes to my current situation which I am only realising now.

What basically happened is I started a new job, which of course fills me with anxiety anyway. One girl here I felt nervous around, kind of intimidated and wanted to impress her. I don't know why, but now my mind has decided It must be a crush.

Whether it is or not I honestly can't grasp right now because my mind is too foggy. I don't think it is because if I calmly think about this person I feel nothing, i dont want her, I dont even care much about knowing her at all. I have no interest in touching or being with or confiding in anyone who isn't my girlfriend.

But now I am filled with what I think are serious intrusive thoughts , a million thoughts about my past, thoughts that i am a bad person, I can't be happy with one person, i will hurt her i will leave her, i want this person, i feel so much guilt and fear and i am so paralysed right now.
In some moments of calm i see how stupid this all is, i love my girlfriend and nothing has changed, but I can't fight off this constant anxiety and thoughts. I just want to be grounded again, be my normal happy in love self again and forget all of this.
I cant afford a therapist right now and my sister who i go to whhen things get too bad is abroad.

If anyone can give any advice or has any similar situations and got better please let me know, thank you for listening to my rant

[Pi.R^2]

Hiya, sorry you haven't had a response sooner. This sounds like a tricky situation to be in. I'm not an expert but I *think* it is relatively normal to have some thoughts about other people even when you are happily in a monogamous relationship. I wonder if what's making it worse for you is that you are beating yourself up for it and treating it like it's a really bad thing. Perhaps keeping it in perspective and being more accepting of these fleeting thoughts will help you to fixate on it less and be able to keep the potential romantic thoughts as just that- they occasionally arrive and you acknowledge they are there and then they are quickly gone again.

Are there any charities or helplines where you are? Maybe talking through it out loud would also be beneficial and I hope getting it off your chest here may have helped as well.