So it's my 18th birthday tomorrow......

[*&& She's Just Forgotten]

Well first off i just want to say that i'm ever so sorry for not being around lately to give support/ advice & what have you. I've just been finding it ever so difficult lately.=[... So i hope none of you mind that i'm posting this and asking for support etc.....

Anyhow,,, it's my 18th birthday tomorrow as the title says. But the thing is,,,,, i'm not the least bit excited. I wish i was. I should be. I'm 18 tomorrow. But i'm not.. =[... I have this intense feeling of scared-ness... I mean,,, yesterday i actually felt sick just at the thought of this weekend. && i'm actually embarrased to be 18. I DONT LOOK IT! I look about 15. I should be denied the right to have my 18th birthday untill i look it. And peoples stuuupid comments are getting to me!.

I guess i'm scared because just lately,, i NO i havn't been eating as much as i should. Hell,, i'm barley managing to eat just the 1 meal at night. My family are coming over from the weekend. I havn't seen them in a couple of months, due to how far away we live from them now. & i just KNOW food is going to be involved in EVERYTHING! My Grandad is coming up with the rest and he just makes food, food and more food. He loves to cook, and he loves to keep everyone fed up. But,,, i just dont think i can hack it. I want to eat, i want to make it a special occasion. I don't want to spoil it, as this is the first time mainly all my family have been together for yonks, but i just really really really don't think i can manage it. It's stupid how i let this control my life, and be so damn scared of my "my life saver".

Last time i saw some of my family, they "mentioned" and hinted at my weight. They had noticed i had lost weight. I havn't seen them in a couple of months now like i said & i just don't think i can deal with the comments.They can probably notice i have lost weight since last time they saw me. Hell,, half the time they give me "inspiration" to stay small. I know i should't be at the weight i am now, i have been trying an awful lot, i'm just worried that those comments are just going to effect my state of mind again.

=[.... && 18 means alchol. Ugh,,,, i'm sooo sooo scared. They consist of Kcals, but everyone will be expecting me to drink because "im legal" to drink now... I can't deal will food at the moment let alone fluids that contain kcals tooo.

My mom is taking me out somewhere tonight to "meet" someone. She wont tell me who it is or where it is. All i know is i have to get ready quick straight after training tonight. But,,,,, this is around dinner time. && i'm just hoping and praying it's not to a damn resturant. I really do think i'd cry if it was. I want to say i dont want to go, but..... i can't . She's made such an effort lately and i don't want to down spirit her. And it'd be so harsh and selfish of me if i did.

Ugh,,how have i let myself get into such a mess?!

Sorry, for the rantish type post.

I just guess i'm in desperate need of support and hugs

Sorry guys.
I love you all.
Caz
xxxoxooo

[Keep Smiling]

*hugs you so so tightly*
i know how you feel Caz, i really do sweetheart. i am not in a position to give great advice or anything at the mo but i wanted to let you know i am here for you and will be thinking about you tomorrow,, please try and enjoy yourself. i know it will be hard but you only turn 18 once, it is a big occassion and it would be horrible for it to be ruined for you *kisses you*

i'm sorry i'm not much help right now but you can PM me anytime okay?

much much love to you.
Lucy.
x x x

[oedipus]

Caz sweetheart *cuddles* it will be okay.
Please try.. if not for yourself then for your family. you don't have to eat a lot. as for the alcohol, it does have calories but some have less than others (vodka etc) and some alcopops are half sugar.
sorry I cant help more, I dont have long on here.
have a lovely dayö enjoy yourself!
take care
Alys xxx

[behindblueyes]

I love you Caz, you know that I do.
I will send you a pm later, azs my time is so limited right now.
But again, I love you and you are a strong girl, you CAN get through this.
*hugs and cuddles*
x Kate

[every_mileamemory]

Well, Happy 28th for tomorrow!

Your doing brilliantly even just posting here....we are all here to support you, try and enjoy your birthday as much as you can. You may be excited on the day! It may be much different than what you imagined!

Take care

L x

[Accidentally Abstract]

Hi Caz,

I'm really sorry that you've been struggling so much recently, it sounds like you're going through a really hard time.

I hope that your 18th goes okay.. Just try and focus on seeing people, etc, instead of the food & kcal intake. I know that it's not as simple as that, but I hope that you can attempt it and it might help..?

Comments about weight sometimes aren't helpful at all.. And that could definately be affecting how you feel about yourself, etc. Does anyone in your family know about your eating disorder? Could you possibly talk to anyone about it?

I hope things improve for you soon sweetheart, and you have an okay 18th.

Take care.
x