One day my already fragile mind state was shattered again. It had been years since i was "fuked with" ((i'll leave it at that)) as a child.
I was a young teenager, in a garage, and an older man walked in. He was a bad man. We started to fight physically, but he was stronger than me. We fought and fought, until eventually i was on the ground. He then dis-located my shoulder, which caused immense pain. And cos my bone was out of the socket, i was effectively only able to use one hand. I tried to move my dislocated arm, but it was just flopping by my side.
He then raped me and after tried to make me eat *****. The rape caused immense pain, on top of the pain i was already experiencing due to my dislocated shoulder, not to mention the beating i had just gone through. I was struggling so he couldn't get me to eat ****, it was on my face. I felt very sick.
After, i went home and was taken to hospital. I only said my shoulder dislocated. I didn't mention anything else. And i only told this story the other day for the first time, and its been over 10 years since it happened.
I went to hospital, and was given I.V morphine and a constant supply of nitrous oxide. This was pretty awesome, and made me feel better. Once my arm was back in place, i felt a lot better. But i still felt terrible on the inside due to what had happened.
Now, for years, i've been wary of every male, and sometimes females too. I am a male. I feel weak, i feel gay. For a long time i actually throught i was gay. I thought he made me gay. I was always suspicious and still AM always suspicious of male men. You never know which one is a sicko psychopath willing to fuk you over ((literally )).
What stopped my pain was using drugs. And yes, i certainly put them to good use. My use eventually got to the stage where i was using heroin, ketamine and nitrous oxide...the perfect escape, and the perfect analgesics. But i couldn't carry on like that, i couldn't live like that, i didn't want to live like that. So i quit. And now im just on a heap of psychopharmaceuticals.
I have my opiate receptors covered ((methadone)). I have serotonin and noradrenalin covered ((mirtazapine)). I have GABA covered ((clonazepam)). I have dopamine covered ((nicotine -i don't smoke i never have, i use the transdermal patches as an antidepressant, and it works)).
So now i only use legal drugs. But my past still comes up like a festering abscess. It ruins everything. Relationships i have with people ((i can't handle "intimacy" i have some issues with sex; some things turn me off completley))...yet at other times i've been a complete man-whore.
I think the most intimate thing you can do between lovers is kiss. I've fuked people who i just couldn't kiss, as they were un-attractive to me. I can only kiss people who i am attracted to.
I still feel weak, i want revenge...but im SCARED! What if i fail? What if im not able to beat the **** out him? Will i have a repeat of what happened? And this makes me feel even worse. Im just still scared. I don't feel like a man, im too immature, im too impulsive, and i've been fuked over one too many times. I feel frightened deep down.
I have paranoid personality disorder. This kinda makes sense, as i have a heap of weapons stashed in my room ((but no-where obvious...an intruder couldn't grab them for ex.))...i have a machete' hidden on my desk, and another one resting next to my head as i sleep, so i can grab it in a second whilst im lying down....and i have hunting knives in my draws...so if someone orders me to "get money" or whatever, i can pull out a knife on them.
I don't trust people. There's about 3 people i trust, and i place no trust in ANYONE else at all. I always maintain a distance between myself and other people ((including people im "with" -like going out with))...even though i can be "intimate" with them, im not TRULY "intimate" with them, as i don't really know what being "intimate" means. I don't classify sex as being intimate.
Anyway im rambling. That is just what i have to say. It feels good to get it off my chest. I didn't include everything, i left a lot out, but the basics are there.
To anyone else who has been attacked ((i use the term attacked to mean anything from beatings to rape, or beatings AND rape))....there are other people out there.
My shoulder dislocated again when i was at the beach, a few years later after the first attack, and i went through the pain of it all over again. Then i had to have a shoulder re-construction with pins in my bones to heal it properly. The pain after surgery was incredible. I've gone through so much pain cos of this, and all the time i was in hospital, all i could see was my attackers face, with a nasty smile...i couldn't get it out of my head.
Ok i've said my piece. For the second time in my life. I wish this world didn't fuking suck so damn much....i don't even know if i want to bring children into this forsaken world...
Last edited by dysphoria : 04-06-2007 at 08:52 AM.
Good bye to everyone on RYL, for various reasons im leaving this site and i will never return. This may make some of you happy, and others sad. Im not leaving because of the members... Good bye and have a nice life
Thats a horrible thing to have gone through, do you have therapy and councellng for this? if you don't I strongly suggest you get some help for your own safety and to help you trust people again.
xxx
Thank you Perfection is a flaw; EmmaM; and ToLiveIsToLoveThePain...
i don't really feel any better now that its been told. I mean, it doesn't make it go away. But i thank you for your support. It means a lot to me.
i am seeing a psychiatrist as well as a doctor/s...i can't really talk about it to my psych cos he is a man, and i can't talk about it to my doc cos he is a man too.
And i can't/couldn't speak to previous psychologists i've had ((all women; who i prefer over men))...even when i was 15 or 16, i was kinda forced to see a psychologist ((by a court ruling)) and i just couldn't "open up". I can't say it to someone's face. I cant, i know i'll just look at the ground and wish i was somewhere else. Not to mention their response. Or if they want to talk about it.
The last female psychologist i was seeing was alright, but she said there's basically no reason to continue with sessions cos i was too "drugged". That was when i was over medicated with benzodiazepines, so of course i appeared "drugged".
I have a diagnosis, finally from my psychiatrist...paranoid personality disorder, along with depression.
I don't know if that changes anything, i've done some limited reading on personality disorders, but i never thought i actually had one...
But it kinda makes sense. I have my room set up so i can grab a weapon at any time, and they're all hidden so an intruder or a family member can't just find them and use them against me. I have a machete' hidden on my desk...its good cos its sharp and has a sharp, pointy end so i could prob. stab someone with it. I have another one stashed near my head where i sleep at night, so if someone breaks in, i can grab it in 2 seconds and be armed with a machete'. And i have hunting knives in all my draws...so if someone orders me to "get money" i can say "ok" and pull out a knife on them.
I NEVER carry my knives outside the house with me though...instead i carry a large syringe, its friggin' huge, i would NEVER use such a syringe & needle to shoot up with. It's a 19-gauge needle w/ a 12ml barrel....just this huge syringe.
In the past i've used it twice...when i was minding my own business, and some a$$holes decided that i was an easy target, and beat me up. Well...im NOT gonna play by their rules! Im gonna play by MY rules. And what i do is say "watch this" as i pull out the syringe, i stab myself in the arm, and then say "you don't know what i've got!" and at this stage they have started to back away...probably thinking im gonna give them hepatitis or something....and then if they're not running, i give chase screaming "im gonna snap of this needle in your neck"....on both occasions i had these scum-bags who thought i would be an easy target cos im polite and quiet, i had them RUNNING from me!!! What i also have done is wipe some of the blood thats on my arm ((from being stabbed w/ the syringe)) on my knuckles, i show them this, and say "all i need to do is give you a blood nose!"
But i refuse to be attacked again. On those 2 occasions where i've had to use the syringe, it was because people were trying to fight me and beat the crap out of me, and who knows what they'll do then. Im not a fighter, i mind my own business, but im usually alone which is why im ((seemingly!)) an easy "target"....but you should see the look on the guy's face's when i stab myself! They look at me like i just chopped off my arm! They are SO shocked!
Now i've been attacked numerous times, mostly when i was a teen, and i have had my fair share of ass kickings ((me, getting beaten up!))...but now...when people start something with me, they don't realise they have just bitten off more than they can chew.
ok...all this makes me sound like a psycho...im not. Like i said, im quiet, polite, and mind my own business. To some people this makes me look like an easy target, which is why i have my syringe. I don't just use it to scare innocent people, i only use it after people have repeatedly verbally attacked me, and are about to launch a physical attack. I will leave some people alone, like if they say "what are you looking at, wanna start something!?" i just say "no, im not a fighter" and leave it at that. But if people INSIST on attacking me, then i WILL defend myself!
Im not a naive teenager anymore, and the great thing is, its LEGAL to carry a syringe! I have been searched by cops and all they do is tell you to throw it on the ground.
But yeah...i hope i didn't come off as sounding a little extreme, im not at all like that, only when in extreme circumstances will i react to defend myself. Im not some psycho ((i haven't been diagnosed with anti-social personality disorder! Just paranoid PD)).
But yeah....i know i really should seek councelling for the attack i mentioned in my first post...its just i find it VERY difficult to tell people face to face. i still sometimes cut over it, cos im angry at myself....
Well...im coping the best way i can. But it has turned me into a paranoid nut-case...and im angry over that too. Paranoia is like your own prison of fear. You can alternate between feeling secure, and feeling vulnerable...usually its vulnerable.
Ok i've rambled on enough...i'll stop now. Thanks again for replying!
Good bye to everyone on RYL, for various reasons im leaving this site and i will never return. This may make some of you happy, and others sad. Im not leaving because of the members... Good bye and have a nice life
Maybe you could try to transfer to a female therapist who might make you feel more comfortable talking about these issues. I hope you can realize that drugs will only make things worse (and depending on what it is could make you more paranoid.) If you're too uncomfortable in relationships and anything sexual perhaps you should put off dating unless you find someone who makes you feel veey safe and who can understand your fears and past. And don't worry about that event "making" you gay, because that's not true. Being gay has to o with how you view those of the same sex. It's good to want to protect yourself if you've been victimized but you need to remember honey that not EVERYONE wants to hurt you. And if you find a therapist you really like but still have trouble talking, maybe you could write entries in a journal about what's happened and how you're feeling then hand it over to them during sessions. *hugs* Good luck honey, I'm sure there's some things you can do to feel a little safer and put some pain behind you.
you might be able to find a specialist centre using their search engine for men who have been assaulted. Perhaps you would feel more comfortable talking to someone there, who might be able to understand your feelings better than a psych who has numerous, diverse patients to treat?
Thank you for letting me stay here
Thank you for taking me in
Thanks again -ToLiveIsToLoveThePain;*hidden_pain*; helper1218; rhi; and Tribe.
Whats happenening right now is that im having these incredibly violentnightmares where im just non-stop fighting off my attacker...i wake up in full anxiety, sweating, sometimes CRYING.
So i get up, walk around, tell myself that it's just a dream its just a dream...but i know when i go back to sleep its gonna start up again!!!!! It's freaking aggravating. It makes me scared to go to sleep.
I don't ALWAYS have nightmares of me fighting him, but sometimes i go thorough these "phases" where all i have is heaps of nightmares each night for weeks or over a few months.....
And another thing...i want my attacker punished! But i can't punish him myself! Im too scared! See this is why i don't feel like a man, at all....i dunno if i feel like a woman, probably not, just not a man...yet im supposed to be a "man"....i asked my psych what being a man is, and he mentioned a heap of things that im not. So that wasn't exactly "therapeutic"....I feel like my manhood has been taken away from me. Sometimes i try to prove it by being a man-whore, but then i feel like ***** in the end cos i've proved nothing, nothing has changed....so then i choose isolation.....if im not around anyone then i can't be humiliated or hurt by anyone...
I dunno what im rambling on about. I just wish i didn't feel like a good chunk of me has been smashed to bits, and it was a GOOD part of me, one who was less paranoid, less depressed...less screwed up mentally. That part of me no longer exists.
Ok...i think i've said all i needed to say. Thanks again for the support.
Good bye to everyone on RYL, for various reasons im leaving this site and i will never return. This may make some of you happy, and others sad. Im not leaving because of the members... Good bye and have a nice life
*hugs* i get really bad nightmares that make me scared too scared to sleep too. i dont really have too much advice for you on that though because i cant controll mine either, but i understand whereyoure coming from.
as for not feeling like a man, well i agree with ToLiveIsToLoveThePain real men arent afraid to show their feelings or to ask for help, like you are doing here or with your therapist. i would also tell you to ignore your psychs view of a man was as it was just his/her opinion, not a definion.
what you said about trying to prove your mascuilinity by being a man whoar, well i do that too - except im a woman, which i guess is worse. i also do he 'isolation' thing, i feel safe (relitively) by myself but it doesnt exacly help my depression. *sends you more hugs*
could you report him? that would be punishing him. even if was a long time ago i think you can report this type of crime for quite a few years.
that 'good' part of you is still there, and you will find it again.
)). 
