Contains sexual abuse - How do you deal with new relationships after SA
So I was raped 3 years ago and I have been finally talking about it and trying to recover for the past year. At the worst of it I felt so weak and alone that I started sharing all the worst sides of what happened, in detail, with my boyfriend. We have been dating just for 4 months then, so it just made us closer. We both had more free time then so we just concentrated on being together and me recovering.
Now that I am better I am slowly moving to better life...
but, I recently moved in with him, and now that I am almost out of this, and the final steps, we started fighting. The thing is, before I was depressed and couldn't work, so I fully concentrated on my relationship.
Now, that I am working, and I have to deal with being in new country and learning everything, I've been better, but more stressed. He also is more stressed, with work and studies, to have time for all my breakdowns....so now we are fighting more and more and I hate it because he is my best friend.
I let him know all about what happened to me, and now I am wondering if by this I havent doom our relationship or made it harder than it had to be....We have been together year and few months and I love him a lot, I dont want to lose him. Regardless I cant turn back time....
Has any of you told your spouses? Has it ever created tension? How would you deal with it? He says I should start talking to him again about what I'm going through because not knowing leads to us having misunderstandings and fighting, but it feels to me that when I do tell him we somehow end up fighting as well, I dont know how to handle this...
It does sound like you need to speak to your partner about everything. Any change in the dynamics of a relationship i.e. moving in or new jobs etc.
There's a lot of feelings for both of you and the only way to avoid misunderstandings is to air out all the feelings. Maybe spend a day/night together talking things through without distractions - no phones/work/computers etc.
I hope things work out.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Firstly, so sorry you went through this, you shouldn't of, you didn't deserve it.
Also, well done for discussing it with your partner, that is so brave.
Like you, I have been abused (more than once). I've told my partner everything, but we have had no tension. I believe as victims of abuse we push ourselves away, just to protect our feelings and ourselves, which to me, is a very good idea. Also, we have had our feelings hurt and bashed so much that we protect those too.
Your partner is probably just sad he couldn't be there and prevent it, and it probably saddens him that it happened to someone he loves so much.
Take care and PM me if you need me.
xxx
thank you, Lily, for saving mummy's life*.
You are my one and only, you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight, and you'll be alright.
I told one long-term partner and it brought us closer together and they really helped me to try and fight against the demons I had. I think it's best to be open about it and, although it'll be tough, ultimately I think it will help.
Maybe you could take a weekend to yourselves away somewhere you've not been before (you say you're in a new country?) or somewhere thast you feel comfortable and relaxed, and talk things through.
With my (ex)partner, we had a system whereby if I felt bad.flashbacks etc, I would say 'donkey' and then he would know that something was wrong and we could hug or talk things through etc. Maybe something like this would help?
I'd like to echo what everyone else has said, I'm sorry for what you've been through & you were very strong and brave to tell your partner what you've been through. It sounds as though talking through what you went through helped you and your relationship in the past, maybe talking to your partner about what you are feeling about the relationship now will help too. If you don't feel up to raising issues maybe you could write things in a letter/email to him...
Take care & best wishes xo
