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Old 05-05-2020, 10:23 AM   #1
[Luna]
 
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I'm so scared all the time

I spent Saturday night in hospital after a suicide attempt. Ended up hurting myself quite badly.

I'm struggling to cope. Things have been tough for a long time now and lockdown/Corona has just pushed me to breaking point.
I feel guilty and ashamed. I'm a failure and have let everybody down. I have no idea how to make anything better.
Everyone would be so much safer without me, but I'm hurting the people I love either way.

I am a pointless, burden with nothing to offer anyone and all my attempts to change this just seem to fall apart.
I don't know what to do. I'm so tired.

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Old 05-05-2020, 01:17 PM   #2
one_step_closer
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I'm sorry you attempted suicide and that things are so difficult for you right now. It sounds like you're judging yourself and carrying huge burdens. Is there any way to let them go and allow yourself to rest and take care of yourself? I hear how awful things are and I know it's such a fight to get through each day. Do you have any support in place? What is it that you're scared of?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 05-05-2020, 08:53 PM   #3
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The home treatment team are phoning me everyday at the moment. I have 30 minute skype calls with my therapist three times a week at the moment. She is really supportive but obviously limited in what she can do while lockdown goes on.

I've had a horrible headache all day today so haven't been able to do much other than lie down. I feel really low.
I read a report our social worker wrote this evening and it had lots of things that my step-son and his dad had said that were upsetting to read. I probably shouldn't have read it when I'm feeling this low. It's made me feel wvwn more of a failure than I already did.

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Old 06-05-2020, 10:44 AM   #4
one_step_closer
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Yeah, reading things like that at any time can be upsetting but especially so when you are already struggling. I hope you can try to put it to the back of your mind for now until you feel better able to process it. How are you today?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-05-2020, 11:15 AM   #5
[Luna]
 
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I feel so broken.

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Old 07-05-2020, 11:21 AM   #6
one_step_closer
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Do you want to explain a bit more? You can heal, I'm sure. It might be a long hard road but you can take some breaks and allow yourself to rest too.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 07-05-2020, 11:18 PM   #7
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I'm not sure what to say, but I wanted to send some love <3

I am glad you exist and I am sure a lot of other people feel the same way.



the sun

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Old 08-05-2020, 01:23 AM   #8
Moonlight Princess
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Hi Em. Love you lots. Now here's the thing: you're absolutely not a failure. Corona is hard enough withot having other mental health things going on and so to have this on top is huge to deal with. You're not broken even though I hear that you feel it, it's just that this is really hard.
That's what I wanted to say first but I second Lindsay's question and agree wholeheartedly with Lana in that I'm so glad you exist.



You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.


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Old 11-05-2020, 12:03 AM   #9
Fire Fly
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I’m glad you exists! <3. Keep fighting love. Message me if you want to talk xx



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Call me R -


The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time - Abraham Lincoln


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Old 11-05-2020, 07:38 AM   #10
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Sending so much love <3







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Old 11-05-2020, 10:05 PM   #11
[Luna]
 
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Thank you all for being so kind.

Things really aren’t good. I’m struggling a lot.
It doesn’t really seem to be getting better. If anything it’s getting worse and I don’t know how to cope or change anything.

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Old 12-05-2020, 10:48 AM   #12
one_step_closer
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It might continue to get worse before it gets better, and that is hard to deal with I know. It's just about getting through each painful moment I think and doing what you can to soothe and distract yourself. I know that's basic stuff but sometimes that's all there is. Do you still have contact with HTT?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 12-05-2020, 04:06 PM   #13
[Luna]
 
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HTT have given me an increased dose of diazepam to take throughout the day.
The voices and images are so intense. I get agitated a lot and t keeps escalating beyond my control.

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Old 12-05-2020, 04:30 PM   #14
one_step_closer
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Does the Diazepam help at all? I know how overwhelming huge feelings of agitation and voices etc can be. You're doing really well to keep tolerating this.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.

Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.

You didn't come this far just to come this far.


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Old 12-05-2020, 10:50 PM   #15
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I hope the diazepam will make things slightly more bearable.



the sun

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Old 13-05-2020, 08:39 PM   #16
[Luna]
 
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I'm so tired and scared.
Everything is a struggle. I'm struggling to look after myself or do anything really. I feel incredibly low. I don't have any energy, concentration or motivation.
I don't feel like myself anymore.

Our social worker called today and was saying that our boys are going to be put on a child protection plan because of how unwell I've been recently. I intially started panicking that they were going to take my son away from me but she explained it all more and I'm a bit calmer but it sounds so stressful and exhausting.

We want the help and we'll do anything they ask for us but I feel really stressed about it all and I feel like a failure of a mother.
I hate myself.

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Old 14-05-2020, 10:17 PM   #17
[Luna]
 
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I feel rock bottom and I’m so tired.
I feel broken. Everything is so exhausting and difficult. I can’t even do the basics.
I’m a failure.

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Old 14-05-2020, 10:38 PM   #18
Unbreakable.
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You're not broken.
I believe you that you feel like you are, but you aren't.
It's okay to be tired, it's okay to not be able to do the basics.
You don't have to be strong every single day.
Sometimes we just aren't and that's okay.
You can do this.
Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.



the sun

the moon

the truth


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