So I'm a pretty new member to this site, but I've heard good things about it and the people on it.
Umm..I'm honestly not sure if I belong here, on this site, or in this forum, but I don't have anyone in my life to talk to...and I'm not sure if I'll be able to last much longer if I can't talk to someone, if I can't figure out what's going on in my head, in my life.
I'm not good at talking to people..or explaining myself clearly sometimes so bare with me if you would.. When I was 12 or 13, I started to change. I'd had some issues with lost friendships and by that point I started to have some trust issues with others my age and kind of became a loner, and by the time I was 14 I'd started to self harm. My parents chalked it up to hormones/being a teenager at the time, then just got annoyed because I was 'overacting' and 'being dramatic'. As I got older my issues just got worse. I became more angry and withdrawn, my SH got a lot worse as did my mistrust of people.
The reason I'm posting in this forum specifically is because of what started my freshman year of college. I actually started making a few friends, and tried my hardest to enjoy college, try and be happier than I had been the past 5 plus years, but it didn't last long. A month or two into my first semester the dreams started..they didn't make any sense at first, just shadows and panic, but the longer I had them the clearer some of them came. The clearest one still leaves me with too many questions..it's just me curled up in some dark room that feels familiar, but I don't remember it..and there are big hands and I'm scared and the hands hurt me..but there's not a whole person..there's no face or identity to the hands..no voices..just that same dark dream over and over. It messed me up pretty bad during college, but I tried to just shove the dreams and the questions away and ignore them, and for a little while I succeeded..but not completely..and now I'm 22 and they've come back again worse than before. I wake up mid panic attack, I'm having flashes of the dreams at random times during the day..my anxiety around people has gotten awful, to the point where if I'm having a bad day and someone bumps into me or rubs against me in a crowd I almost instantly go into panic mode.
I don't know what this means..I don't know if these dreams actually happened or if I just watched too many crime shows and read too many YA novels but as much as I try and lie to myself..they don't feel like just dreams, and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry this ended up being so long..
So I'm a pretty new member to this site, but I've heard good things about it and the people on it.
Umm..I'm honestly not sure if I belong here, on this site, or in this forum, but I don't have anyone in my life to talk to...and I'm not sure if I'll be able to last much longer if I can't talk to someone, if I can't figure out what's going on in my head, in my life.
I'm not good at talking to people..or explaining myself clearly sometimes so bare with me if you would.. When I was 12 or 13, I started to change. I'd had some issues with lost friendships and by that point I started to have some trust issues with others my age and kind of became a loner, and by the time I was 14 I'd started to self harm. My parents chalked it up to hormones/being a teenager at the time, then just got annoyed because I was 'overacting' and 'being dramatic'. As I got older my issues just got worse. I became more angry and withdrawn, my SH got a lot worse as did my mistrust of people.
The reason I'm posting in this forum specifically is because of what started my freshman year of college. I actually started making a few friends, and tried my hardest to enjoy college, try and be happier than I had been the past 5 plus years, but it didn't last long. A month or two into my first semester the dreams started..they didn't make any sense at first, just shadows and panic, but the longer I had them the clearer some of them came. The clearest one still leaves me with too many questions..it's just me curled up in some dark room that feels familiar, but I don't remember it..and there are big hands and I'm scared and the hands hurt me..but there's not a whole person..there's no face or identity to the hands..no voices..just that same dark dream over and over. It messed me up pretty bad during college, but I tried to just shove the dreams and the questions away and ignore them, and for a little while I succeeded..but not completely..and now I'm 22 and they've come back again worse than before. I wake up mid panic attack, I'm having flashes of the dreams at random times during the day..my anxiety around people has gotten awful, to the point where if I'm having a bad day and someone bumps into me or rubs against me in a crowd I almost instantly go into panic mode.
I don't know what this means..I don't know if these dreams actually happened or if I just watched too many crime shows and read too many YA novels but as much as I try and lie to myself..they don't feel like just dreams, and I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry this ended up being so long..
Am really sorry this is happening to you. It makes sense to say it could have happened. I say follow your gut. If it feels like it is real and that it happened then it probably did.
I too have been abused so I know the pain.
Can I ask, do you see a therapist? It defininetly could help. It takes a while to build the therapeutic relationship but it's worth it. Either way know that I read what you've wrote and am supporting you 100%. I care and hear you.
By the way I'm 23. And have been SH since I was small. You are definitely not alone.
You're brave and strong.
Last edited by LovelyChantel : 28-05-2015 at 08:44 PM.
Reason: Typos
It can be really hard talking to people if you've had nothing but bad experiences of talking to them in the past. Sometimes you may forget how to talk because it's been that long, or maybe you never learned how to talk in the first place.
If you're not getting any support form other people can you support yourself?
You could get a notebook and use it for writing down how you feel or maybe a colouring book and some relaxing music to help when the anxiety is getting bad.
If you're not comfortable seeking outside support right now that's fine. If you ever change your mind and feel like taking the chance for someone to earn your trust there might be a way for you to get free counselling from your college or maybe there's a helpline you could call to get you through those panic attacks.
I do have a notebook/journal, whatever you call it, because even before this started I've always enjoyed writing. I've tried a few times to write about this but I just end up staring at the pencil in my hand..or doodling nonsense because I'm not sure how to put what's in my head onto paper when it comes to this. I will have to try the coloring book thing though, I haven't colored in years.
I've thought about looking for a counselor/psychiatrist, I just haven't been able to get myself to do it yet.
Thanks for the responses and support.
No, I'm not seeing a therapist. They cost too much money plus I'm not that great with trusting people or talking to them..
Thanks for the reply
A lot of colleges in the U.S. Have free counseling services for students. And there are also places where grad students who are learning how to do therapy offer that for free or cheap.
If you are religious, you may try asking a local pastor or rabbi or whatever if they can hook you up with something cheap.
I'm in between colleges right now. I've completed one degree, but I'm working full time to save up money before going in for another, so I don't have any college services available for now, though I am thinking about looking into that when I go back.
I really appreciate being told different options, it's good to know they're there if/when I want to try them.
For now though I'm just trying to push through it..between work and just life in general I've got a lot on my plate and me having a breakdown isn't really and option at this point.
I get like that sometimes. When I want to try and write I end up putting pressure on myself. It has to be perfect….it has to make sense…..it has to be spelt right….it has to be in complete sentences…..it has to be explained….
I felt like I had to perform…..but for who?
eventually I got so ****** I just got a pen and stabbed at the paper in rage, filling the pages with little bits of ink, poking holes through to the other side because I just didn't know what to do or say and instead of just leaving it to do something else I wanted to do something.
Took me a while to see that Journal/diary writing is for me and anything that I find the courage to put down on paper is privileged and something that no one else but me has any right over.
It was a start and eventually I would maybe put a word like ANGER, maybe add colour or symbols and pictures next to it.
It took me a long time to begin to feel safe enough to write more and write about why I was angry, and even then these reasons were only ever a few words long that were simplistic, that didn't link up or connect to anything. It was just what i could simply express in the moment I put it on paper.
Slowly I trusted myself more and felt safer and safer in my own mind to be able to write sentences and think about how my anger now related to other things.
I'm glad that you found the options helpful. I'm worried about you :(
Having a lot on your plate, catering to other people's needs, pushing yourself to be brave can get really overwhelming :(
I'll keep trying with the journal thing..the more I look into it I see a lot of people suggest it.
Quote:
I felt like I had to perform…..but for who?
You hit the nail right on the head with that one. It's a weird feeling, because there's only you that's going to look at/read the journal..but it's kind of like I need to perform, for myself? Like maybe if I do then I won't feel like this anymore. And having to cater to other people is rough sometimes, but honestly with everything going on in my head sometimes it's easier if I let myself focus on others..because it takes some of the focus off of my thoughts/worries.
