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Old 25-05-2015, 04:17 AM   #1
LittleCloud
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Lot of feelings coming up

Hey, hope it's ok to make another post. I've just been finding myself feeling a bit overwhelmed lately with a lot of feelings coming up from my past. I was bullied quite a lot by my family and many people for a long time- mostly just subtle stuff... being taught that noone thought like me or understood me but it was ok because my family loved me that way- which I know now is a lie; being taken to lots of doctors and told what was wrong with me- but rarely what was right.... little stuff like that.
I am struggling a lot with an ED which very much takes on the shape of this stuff. It tells me I'm wrong and disgusting; different- before others get the chance to say which I guess I know they probably wouldn't because these things are not true. I just wanted to make a thread to talk about this stuff and get it out from inside my head.
I hope that's ok.... at the moment I am needing more support and I have quite a bit now, having linked up with my counsellor, doctor, dietitian etc. It feels so wrong and greedy to need this much. I guess that's another thing I was taught....



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 25-05-2015, 11:10 PM   #2
long road
 
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It's not greedy, you need however much support you need at this moment in time and you deserve that support. I'm glad you have access to a wide range of support from professionals to help with the memories and the ED's physical and emotional aspects.

Having a negative view of your self developed from the comments and behaviours of others makes perfect sense. Being told that no one understood you must have felt and still feel very isolating.

Anyway just wanted to pop in and say you are brave to be seeking the help totally deserving of it and free to vent here :)




'Fix me. Fix my head. Fix me please. I don't wanna be dead.
Someday. I'll feel no pain. Someday. I won't have a brain.They'll take away the part that hurts. And let the rest remain.'

'That gun is loaded but it's not in my hand'




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Old 26-05-2015, 03:16 PM   #3
LittleCloud
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Aw, thanks. Yeah it feels really awful. Sounds silly but I have an adult colouring in book I've been doing and it brings back a lot because I used to hide in books and art. I saw my mother when I met with my psychiatrist. I didn't tell my mum about the psychiatrist or my eating but the demanding way she spoke of me and others shows what I saw growing up- how little tolerance my family have for anyone who doesn't think like them. I also thought about organising to see my old paediatrician whom I was dragged to many times and who suggested many things to cure my "problems". I want to ask him if he could have been wrong... If his views of me and my views could have been tainted by my parents expectations of me. So often I feel so frightened people see the broken me



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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Old 27-05-2015, 02:10 AM   #4
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let stuff come up - stuff has to come up to go away. Make it a learning experience and overreact too personally. Imagine you were cleaning around your home and aware of TV on in the background. That's how you position yourself in your mind. You reaise that your sensing memories etc but don't be for them or against them. Either way keeps you fixed to them. No matter hat happened to you you have to learn to not care anymore in an emotional sense. Many people make a msitake recalling the injustice or shock of things but it serves no good purpose. It doesn't mean you "accept" things by staying non-emotional and objective to memories. It just means you will be aware of them but not let them continue to live in you as bad seeds others planted.



"Not all those who wander are lost" Tolkien

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Old 27-05-2015, 03:50 PM   #5
LittleCloud
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Thanks. I have to agree and I know that work is keeping me going- lots of things come up but I refuse to let my mental health take that and I am really really fighting for myself and for my relationship.
I think lots of the time I can put my feelings to the side but rather than observing them they often come back. I am trying hard with all I know about mindfulness. I think I'll bring it up with my counsellor and try to work on mindfulness strategies but I am also trying really to be ok with the memories. It's just hard. With problems eating and worries about weight; my relationship being hard. It's a lot and I'm fighting but this week I'm just hanging out for next week and support from my counsellor



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

Kamelot - A Sailorman's Hymn Lyrics



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