Therapy

[Rilic]

I don't want to rant and explain everything. I got suspended from uni, which made everyone aware of something I'm just not seeing. My psychiatrist was adamant that I needed some sort of long term therapy, and my parents are in this "Get therapy/help or leave our house" mood all the time. And I've been to two assessment appointments, the first one was 80 minutes, and this second one was 70 minutes, and all I've got from it is art therapy may be the best thing for me, but there's nothing like that near where I live. Also they're looking to help me get a place of my own, but they told me it would probably take months and months.
Once again, I'm walking away with basically nothing. Maybe it would be easier if I knew what was wrong, what I'm supposed to work on, what's supposed to help, and if someone would make it easier by making these decisions for me, otherwise there's too many choices and options and some may help and most probably wont, and I don't want to be there in the first place.

[Pi.R^2]

Did they not say anything in your assessment about what your diagnosis/issues might be? And surely they cannot recommend a therapy without giving you some assistance in accessing it?

You say you think it would be easier if you knew what was wrong. What do you think is wrong? Is there anything in particular that you are particularly troubled by and might like to work on?

[Rilic]

Yeah, I told them all my problems/diagnosis.
That's kind of my life, being told that there's something that would be good for me and I can't have it. Used to it.

I think I encountered a "what's wrong" just a few minutes ago when I wanted to yell "leave me alone" at someone, and that little voice of stupid sense in the back of mah mind said "Isn't that the problem, though. You are alone"

What am I troubled by? Myself. I hate myself. I hate living because I hate myself. And don't know how to work on that though. How the hell can you possibly change hating yourself, because you know damn well you deserve that hatred. Pathetic.

[shadow-light]

why do you feel that you deserve to be hated?

[Rilic]

Because I screw everything up. I fail over and over, and I don't get on well with people. I naturally distrust and dislike pretty much everyone. I always think bad things, violent things. I wish bad things on people, and I hate the kind of people that do in life what I so badly want to, but I don't. Or I can't, not sure which. But either way I hate myself for being so useless and pathetic.