hi marilyn welcome to the thread
*****
i'm in a bit of a pickle.
i am worried because K, my care co-ordinator doesn't seem to believe me how horrible the Voice is/was and i think she wants me to have borderline personality disorder, which i've looked up and i know i don't have. i feel like i'm not how she wants me to be and like she's working against me.
also the Voice has been using people to spy on me but i can't tell K because she will use it against me.
what do you think she will think of me if i tell her about the Voice's spies? do you think it'll make things worse? i don't want her to think i'm making it up you see. any thoughts?
Last edited by tamo >bhūtā : 24-04-2009 at 05:20 PM.
Ah I see, I'm waiting for an NHS referral too, apparently the waiting list in Kent is a year long! Hope things are a bit better in your region and you get seen soon :)
hello, tell me to go away if i dont belong here. you all seem to have such strength, but i'm sorry to those of you who are struggling at the moment.
I hear my mums voice? does that make me a freak? i live with her, but on a night, when they're listening to my thoughts (they are louder and messier in the silence) and interrupting them with images/sounds, i hear my mum - definately not in a comforting way, but dont want to say what she says - she's in on it. I've been given low dosage of risperidone for agitation, but cant take it. the psychs in on it (i didnt tell him whose voice it is), i dont think he can read my mind yet because i didnt give him access/he didnt get in my eyes, but i'm sure he's in on it. They're plotting and interfering with my thoughts coz they want me gone/to give up/dead.
sorry if i dont belong here. it's just so much of whats been said in this thread has made me question my reality -
Sandy08 you were diagnosed because of people reading your thoughts, how do you tell people this? i'm too scared incase they're in on it/reading them too, so already know and laugh at me??
sorry for cluttering, i've been bad lately, and am crap with support, but i want to try.
jen xx
Waiting in the Dark - I agree, obeying Them seems to kind of feed Them and give Them more strength. It's hard to resist but (retrospectively) in the long ruin it's better to do so. Thank you, I hope things get better too, it's just so frustrating having admitted everything and just waiting as things keep deteriorating. Urgh. How's your day been? About your care co-ordinator... I know it's hard, but it's best to tell them everything that's going on so that they can get a clearer picture of what's going on. Maybe it's a couple of details you've missed that mean that she can't rule out BPD. If you really think she won't take it seriously than can you try and see someone else instead? Or speak to a consultant/ psych?
Hey Marilyn *waves* thanks for sharing. It sounds very scary what you're going through. I only really hear voices and see people, I don't have anything like seeing bugs, that must be very frightening. Do they tell you to do things or cut yourself? If things are getting too much, could you see your GP and see if they can speed up your assessment? I went to see a different GP and he put me through as urgent. Hope you get help soon *Hugs*
Michelle glad you're having a better day today. I hate it when They laugh at me when I'm out and about. Well done for getting through it. Hope the waiting list hurries up for you :)
Jen hey welcome to the thread *waves* Of course you belong here, thank you for sharing your story. At times I have heard voices of people I actually know but kind of distorted in their personality, so I can see where you're coming from. It sounds very frightening for you. How come you can't take your risperidone? Have you told your psych all of this? Hang on in there *Hugs*
I've had a crap day today (I'm like a broken record, sorry). Made myself throw up for the first time, and quite a few other times... Don't have an ED just the control thing and Anouk's been going on about it for ages. Feel pretty rank now. Just feel really low and I've been SIing a lot. Urgh. Anyway seeing the consultant guy tomorrow so hopefully that will go well. Hope everyone is doing ok xx
Please try not to feel so bad Banana89. It must be really difficult having to resist Anouk all the time. I really hope it's something you can talk to your consultant about tomorrow and that he can help you. Is he good for you? easy to talk to?
Waiting in the dark... Please try to talk to your coordinator. Believe me I know how difficult it is to feel your not being listened to or believed, but I'm sure she's trying to help. I had similar issue with my last psych, where i felt that they were trying to push me into certain diagnosis, but if you keep firm and honest, she will eventually have to concede! Either that or you could speak to someone else?
I cant take the meds, because i'm told he's in on it, and has given them to make me more unsafe. Because of this, I also didnt tell him everything. I admitted to hearing a voice, but wouldnt tell him who or what they tell me. Its weird coz i know who's voice it is and when looking for similar experiences on the net, everyone seems to hear diff ones, rather than familiar, which makes me feel even more freakish. I think she's interrupting my thoughts, wants me to be locked up or dead. Like it's a mind control thing. Since I was around 11 I've had this theory that i'm in some kinda experiment, where they want to see how much it takes to make a normal kid lose it and then i need to die, because they don't need me anymore, like i'm on a 'lower' level to the real people.
I have not told him about the listeners. Mostly because i'm *almost* sure i'm right, and it would be humiliating to have them all laughing about me. I have to see the CPN from the crisis team again tomorrow, dont know whether to try tell her or not, but they already know i'm ready for out, so i dont want them to know that i'm being pushed too. she seemed quite safe but it's all too much you know? I dont know what to say about the meds tho :(
thankyou so much for your warm welcome :)
oh, and you're not a broken record B, sometimes life comes at you like that and you just need to find the strength to push through - easier said than done i know.
keep fighting everyone
jen xx
It feels really good to get this out ... *sighs with relief* I'm so pleased I found this community/RYL, though i do struggle to post because sometimes they sense these too so sorry for not being very useful.
I know what you mean about taking meds, it's always a battle taking mine but I just pop them in quick before Anouk has time to start yelling at me. Try and take them if you can but I know it's hard.
It's not at all freakish. We all see and hear different things, there's no "normal" for "abnormal" thinking! Personally I think it makes sense to hear a familiar voice. For years I used to hear my flute teacher's voice all the time (she was pretty critical so I guess that's why). Does your mum talk to you in a critical way in real life? Does she know about any of this?
I know exactly what you mean about being in an experiment!! I always feel like things are being tested out on me, like I'm being watched and laughed at, and I'm the only one not in on it if you see what I mean. It's a very undermining thing to live with. I feel like I was chosen for this because I am so inadequate.
I know it's so hard to tell your psych or CPN about this kind of thing. When I told my psych about Anouk, She was right behind him pacing up and down, She was so angry. But I did it anyway. Not sure if I'm glad about that or not but I guess it's a good thing. In the long run, they need to know everything that's going on so that they can give the right meds and the right kind of support. If your CPN seems safe then why don't you try her? Or what about if you wrote it down? Then the listeners wouldn't be able to listen to you saying it...?
I haven't seen the consultant before so I'm a bit nervous about it, but my psych who turns out to be a CPN lol is really nice and I feel quite safe telling him things so I'm lucky that I've finally found a good support network.
I'm relieved to have found RYL too, it's so nice not feeling like a freak!
Hey Marilyn *waves* thanks for sharing. It sounds very scary what you're going through. I only really hear voices and see people, I don't have anything like seeing bugs, that must be very frightening. Do they tell you to do things or cut yourself? If things are getting too much, could you see your GP and see if they can speed up your assessment? I went to see a different GP and he put me through as urgent. Hope you get help soon *Hugs*
I've had a crap day today (I'm like a broken record, sorry). Made myself throw up for the first time, and quite a few other times... Don't have an ED just the control thing and Anouk's been going on about it for ages. Feel pretty rank now. Just feel really low and I've been SIing a lot. Urgh. Anyway seeing the consultant guy tomorrow so hopefully that will go well. Hope everyone is doing ok xx
He has told me, and keeps telling me, to get it all over with and kill myself, and that he doesn't know why I keep on living the meaningless life I live.
I have a problem with making another appointment, I feel like I'm taking up my GP's time when he could be using it to treat more deserving people. My GP is ace though, he was really miffed that I had to wait 11 weeks for my psychological assessment.
So sorry about your day, sounds really tough. *hugs*
Hope tomorrow goes ok for you
This sounds bad, but it feels good for someone to say they get the whole experiment thing, but i feel for you!
with regards my mum, we've always had a rocky relationship. she likes to think it's perfect, but she doesnt realise how much she has hurt me. Part of the problem i think is, i know she WOULD love me to be locked up, she'd get so much drama from it. she has never supported me in the same way as my sis, in that when i was being severely bullied (at one point resulting in hospital trips) she said i brought it on myself, when my sister was called a name ONCE, she went straight up to the school. Im just inferior and inadequate in her eyes, but then if the experiment theory is right, that makes sense, hey?
Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow, and he;s very nice and good to you. Glad you have someone on your side though.
Marilyn - Anouk's been telling me similar things about killing myself. The way I fight is that I think that only I deserve to suffer cos I'm so crap. And my family and bf would be upset if I died, and I don't want them to suffer because of me. So I struggle on. I know what you mean about taking up the GP's time... But I read somewhere that a quarter or a third or something or their day is spent with patients with mh problems. It won't be anything unusual to them, they will just want to help, that's their job. Mental illness is just as debilitating and horrible as physical illness, and if your GP is sympathetic to your needs then go for it!
Jen - Lol I'm kinda pleased too though obviously I feel bad for you! The Truman Show seriously didn't help. Bloody putting ideas into an already delusional mind. I'm really sorry to hear about the bullying and about the lack of support from your mum. That's a real shame. *Big hugs* I know that this makes me a hypocrite considering my previous post lol - but even though you feel like it's an experiment, you are not inferior and you are not inadequate. Promise (it's so much easier to see from the outside, if only I could be this rational with myself lol).
My brain's suddenly stopped working so sorry if the above is total crap. Think I might go soon and have a sneaky fag woop the parents are asleep lol xx
Hello all. I've been lurking in this thread for a bit, figured I might as well post something. I've had problems with psychosis for about the past 5 or 6 years (I'm 19) it's hard to explain because I only really remember specific things and not how it all fits together or what order things happened in.
I had a psychotic episode in 2006 and was diagnosed with the good old Psychosis NOS I was told at the end of last year that I'm possibly Schizotypal. I'm not sure I agree with that though. I have good insight (as the psychs love to tell me, they find it fascinating for some reason).
I've had the usual confusing mix of symptoms: depression, short periods of hypomania/mania (also severe mood swings), anxiety (performance and social), panic attacks, derealisation/depersonalisation, hallucinations (involving all the senses), paranoia, thought insertion - intrusive images/thoughts, self-injury, insomnia/hypersomia, nightmares, poor concentration and I guess relatively low level alcohol/substance abuse. Can't think of anything else right now.
My psychosis is largely focused around a persecutory female voice (who isn't really active at the moment but is still "there" if that makes sense.) I'm not comfortable with saying her name here yet (no offence meant it's just I've got in trouble for that before). She's responsible for the hallucinations, thought insertion and intrusive images, she's had a lot of control over me in the past. I also have a lot of problems with the paranormal and much of my paranoia is focused around this (though I love the X-files 'cause I'm a geek :D). There are also The Watchers and The Followers but I don't like to think about them too much.
I'm currently with the EIT they're trying to figure out what to do with me. I've tried various meds in the past few years to little avail and a lot of side effects.
Ah I've rambled on.
I wanted to ask does anyone else finds their psychotic symptoms are influenced by external things - like tv, films, books etc.?
"And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry." - That's The Way by Led Zeppelin
Hey Protege-Moi (sorry crappy laptop keyboards with no accents!), welcome to the thread
Sorry to hear about everything you've been through. By the way, what does EIT stand for? I can relate to most of what you've said. Are all of those things symptoms of being schizotypal? At the mo I'm spending my days confused by the range of weirdness inside my head.
Yes I would say parts of my psychosis is influenced externally. I guess it's inevitable really. What goes in your head comes out of it. I think of it like I'm unconsciously feeding Anouk. Can't think of anything in particular right now my mind's gone a bit fuzzy but yeah I think it is sometimes influenced by things in the outside world.
Banana - with the state my family is in at the moment, I doubt they'd miss me. I may have to force myself to make an appointment if the one for my assessment doesn't come through soon.. hmm.
Jen - you're not cluttering =] PM anytime you like, it's always open, and I'll always reply.
banana89 -It's cool without the accent (I have a number pad as a second function on my laptop keyboard so I have to use Fn+Alt+0232 to get the character but my computer remembers my username so it's not so bad).
Those are just the various things I've experienced. Symptoms of Schizotypal Personality Disorder are...
Quote:
A disorder characterized by eccentric behaviour and anomalies of thinking and affect which resemble those seen in schizophrenia, thought no definite and characteristic schizophrenic anomalies have occurred at any stage. There is no dominant or typical disturbance, but any of the following may be present:
(a) inappropriate or constricted affect (the individual appears cold and aloof);
(b) behaviour or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar;
(c) poor rapport with others and a tendency to social withdrawal;
(d) odd beliefs or magical thinking, influencing behaviour and inconsistent with subcultural norms;
(e) suspiciousness or paranoid ideas;
(f) obsessive ruminations without inner resistance, often with dysmorphophobic, sexual or aggressive contents;
(g) unusual perceptual experiences including somatosensory (bodily) or other illusions, depersonalization or derealization;
(h) vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped thinking, manifested by odd speech or in other ways, without gross incoherence;
(i) occasional transient quasi-psychotic episodes with intense illusions, auditory or other hallucinations, and delusion-like ideas, usually occurring without external provocation.
The disorder runs a chronic course with fluctuations of intensity. Occasionally it evolves into overt schizophrenia. There is no definite onset and its evolution and course are usually those of a personality disorder. It is more common in individuals related to schizophrenics and is believed to be part of the genetic "spectrum" of schizophrenia.
And EIT is the Early Intervention (In Psychosis) Team.
"And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry." - That's The Way by Led Zeppelin
just saying hi to all the new people, and thanks Jen and banana for the advice. i will probably trust you guys on this one and give telling K a go.
*leaves hugs for everyone*
Last edited by tamo >bhūtā : 24-04-2009 at 05:25 PM.
Reason: typo
I was wondering what you would do if you were in a situation where professionals starting talking about hallucinations and prescribing anti-psychotics but you thought they were wrong about the hallucination? That you are positive that what happened was real?
On certain things yes, however sometimes when they have agreed with what happened but disagreed with my interpretation of events. Now the latest thing they have just flat out refused to believe it happened, but it did, I know it did. I've been started on Quetapine today. I'm scared because last time I was on AP's I had a really bad dystonic reaction.
Heidi Tiger, I know what you mean, I find it really difficult to accept when professionals talk about my "hallucinations" and "delusions" when they are real. But delusions tend to be defined by being something that peers in the same culture/ sub culture don't accept as normal, and hallucinations like Waiting in the Dark said the best way to check is to see if anyone else agrees with you. What exactly have you experienced if you don't mind me asking?
Waiting in the Dark, that's good to hear. Let us know how it goes :)
Protege Moi, thanks for the info! How are you doing today?
Well I have big news for you all... Today I saw the consultant psych and I actually have a diagnosis... I am paranoid schizophrenic. I'm not sure how I feel about this but I guess it's nice to know what's "wrong" with me, it kind of makes sense of everything. Gonna take some adjusting to though.
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