Optimism

[Boss]

I stopped cutting 5 years ago. It was brought on by years of childhood abuse, parental neglect and guilt of bad descions I started making once I was old enough to know better. I've never spoken about it in detail with anyone before. Why I did it, how it felt, or why I stopped. A few close friends know it happened, but cutting for me was always very private, my scars are for me, not the world, and other than my partner I've never shown anyone.

Recently things have been tough. I'm going through a messy break up with someone I had built my life around. It's hard because my entire world has been turned upside down. I need to find a new home, deal with friendship circles and get over the fact she won't be around anymore. I'm facing huge pressures at work. I'm in love with my best friend who will never feel the same as she is straight and I'm a girl. I have a friend losing his mind and memories and is clinging to the high school romance we had so many years ago (when I was still confused about my sexuallity) because I'm the only person he can remember caring about.

Last night I felt broken and defeated. All I could think about was cutting. But I didn't. I didn't and I won't. I am stronger for what I've been through in the past. I am strong enough to know I can get through this without hurting myself. I had a bad night, lots of tears and lots of bad thoughts, but I fought it. I will not allow myself to slip. Instead I joined this community. Instead I talked to a friend. If it's not enough I will get help. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not ok this time. I've come to accept that there will always be a darkness inside of me, but it's how I control it that makes the difference.

From here I guess I take things one day at a time. If it's a good day - fantastic! If it's a bad day - well, I'll deal with it the best way I can.

[Sooty]

A great message. Congratulations on five years and for staying strong at this difficult time. You're a true inspiration! You're right in that everyone can only live in one day at a time so it's best to take things as they come and know that there will be no other day identical to the day you're having.

Stay strong and take care,

Sophie.x

[Tig]

That's a great, inspiring post and your last paragraph really sums it up.

Well done on all your hard work. xx

[Boss]

The hardest thing for me has always been the shame I had for cutting. When my partner and I got together I hadn't cut in 2 months, but I had scars and pink marks. Being intimate was hard, but an incentive. Being so ashamed of what she would see was the biggest driving factor in stopping for good. She was as understanding as a person can be about it, we talked about it once or twice but she knew not to ask.

Now she's gone. Whenever my scars are showing I'm alone. I think that's why I'm battling now. Knowing I own my body, it's my choice and no one would need to know. But that is just it, it is my choice and I'm making a choice to stay clean. For the past 5 years I have battled with my final decision being no for the shame of being caught. Realising now that I have the strength to make that decision for no one but myself has made me realise I can do this. She was not my saviour, I am, and I never stopped for her, I stopped for me.

In some ways I feel like I'm starting over, almost as if I'm right back where I was 5 years ago. But I have the gift of hindsight this time and the power and strength I accumulated from recovering.

I know I shouldn't be ashamed of my scars. The silly thing is when I see scars on another person I feel a strange sense of companionship almost, and I feel stronger because I'm not alone. Hopefully one day I can do the same and help other people realise they have nothing to be ashamed of