Optimism
I stopped cutting 5 years ago. It was brought on by years of childhood abuse, parental neglect and guilt of bad descions I started making once I was old enough to know better. I've never spoken about it in detail with anyone before. Why I did it, how it felt, or why I stopped. A few close friends know it happened, but cutting for me was always very private, my scars are for me, not the world, and other than my partner I've never shown anyone.
Recently things have been tough. I'm going through a messy break up with someone I had built my life around. It's hard because my entire world has been turned upside down. I need to find a new home, deal with friendship circles and get over the fact she won't be around anymore. I'm facing huge pressures at work. I'm in love with my best friend who will never feel the same as she is straight and I'm a girl. I have a friend losing his mind and memories and is clinging to the high school romance we had so many years ago (when I was still confused about my sexuallity) because I'm the only person he can remember caring about.
Last night I felt broken and defeated. All I could think about was cutting. But I didn't. I didn't and I won't. I am stronger for what I've been through in the past. I am strong enough to know I can get through this without hurting myself. I had a bad night, lots of tears and lots of bad thoughts, but I fought it. I will not allow myself to slip. Instead I joined this community. Instead I talked to a friend. If it's not enough I will get help. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm not ok this time. I've come to accept that there will always be a darkness inside of me, but it's how I control it that makes the difference.
From here I guess I take things one day at a time. If it's a good day - fantastic! If it's a bad day - well, I'll deal with it the best way I can.
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