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Want to punish myself. *possible trig SI & ED*
This is weird... I was cleaning today and found a razorblade-- not mine, never seen it before, and it was just there, in my kitchen on the floor by the boxes we never got rid of after moving in.
In May it will be a year since. I'm proud of myself, and staying strong despite having gone off meds cold turkey and myriad of other issues. I recently became employed after months of unemployment. I have a good support system and I'm in therapy.
But, I have an eating problem. I keep gaining weight, and it's like a balloon... and it hurts. Physically. Emotionally. Psychologically. I've had the opposite problem (managing weight by restricting), and the bingeing seems to be a response to the "recovery"... Long story short, I want to slap myself out of it. I want to wag my finger at myself, but I can't.
I've actually been okay about eating habits lately, but it's not stopping the weight gain. Since I was a young girl I dreamed about cutting off the extra weight. Seeing the blade today, and having these feelings... not sure what I'm saying. I want to punish myself into losing weight, even though I'm doing better than I have in over a year.
How do I have the patience? How do I reason with myself that SI as punishment is just as bad as doing it for relief? I'm very confused right now, because I'm not exactly urging... yet I am in a different way...
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