Triggering (SI/ED) - Welcome to the show-autobiographical. *graphic*
Quick notes:
Peoples names have been changed in this to ensure anonymity.
I was 13 years olds and a bit of a prat so don't judge me too harshly.
Some people will have been following my definition of crazy thread linked here. Well this is a different, earlier chapter of my life that eventually led to the events in 'definition of crazy'. Hope you enjoy...
Beginning:
Sitting sandwiched between three of the people I love the most, I wait with a feverish excitement more fitting for a three year old than a thirteen year old. The lights dim, the buzzing voices fade away. I smile at my best friend and he grins back through a thick fringe. I squeeze my mother’s hand affectionately and she squeezes back. The curtain rises. The show begins. It’s the start of the year that will change my life forever. Unaware, I sit back, ready to enjoy the show.
I sat in a science lesson, a month into my eighth year of education. I was thirteen years old, keeping the peace between my friends as best I could, watching carefully for the first signs of the fire turning on me. Later on I found my belongings strewn around the art room. That night, for the first but certainly not the last time, I scrawled in my diary the words ‘I hate myself.’ My first attempt to articulate feelings too big and too painful to even look at, let alone verbalise.
The next day I would make a decision that would change my life forever. The next day, I would consciously self harm for the first time. Throughout my childhood I had unconsciously used pain to cope with my emotions; banging my head as a punishment for hurting another child, digging my nails deep into my palms to remain calm enough to perform, ‘slipping’ with the scissors to get out of the classroom and breathe. This was the first though, that the harm was premeditated and fully, irrevocably deliberate.
I remember the moment I decided. Trying desperately to blank out the head spinning rush of fear as I viewed a graded paper marked with a fat, incriminating red ‘D’. Trying hard to block out the bickering and banter between my friends. Sliding my ruler subtly off the desk, I held it under the table and tore at my arm with the sharp edge. A thread thin line of blood welled and I smiled as the pain that had been reaching a crescendo in my head, building, building, building…stopped. Later that day I dug my finger nails hard into my hands until the nails were caked with crimson. The cycle had begun.
Last edited by Buttons. : 15-08-2009 at 09:02 AM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
I loved reading following your definition of crazy thread and will be following this one as well for definate!
Beautifully written as always and I cant wait to read more
Xx
I will definitely be following this thread, loved your Definition of Crazy and this looks set to be just as brilliant! Take care when writing xx
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. I know, right now you can't tell. But stay a while and maybe then you'll see A different side of me Unwell - Matchbox 20
"Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble?"
George Pacaud (1879 - 1937)
I loved reading following your definition of crazy thread and will be following this one as well for definate!
Beautifully written as always and I cant wait to read more
Xx
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I totally enjoyed "definition of crazy" so i'm going to follow this one too =]
I really love the way you write, you've got me addicted!
I shall look out for more! x
During the next few weeks I learnt a great deal. How to hug my secret pain close to my chest, short sharp bursts of shame keeping others at bay. What items of clothing cloaked the marks of misery. How loneliness is scheming and subtle as it oozes into every aspect of your life, building isolating walls that press so tight it’s hard to breathe. I learnt how to lie with the skill of a seasoned actress. I learnt to hide.
Self harm consumed me. Once I had discovered this new, fascinating, functional use for pain it was all that I could think about. Methods of self destruction, endless internet searches to try desperately to understand what I was doing to myself and to see if I was truly alone; hovering outside a favoured teacher’s classroom, fighting the fear that each and every time sealed my mouth shut, and ordered my feet onwards, away from help. Let that privilege be reserved for those who deserved it.
Last edited by Buttons. : 08-06-2009 at 03:48 AM.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter