I used to feel like that, yeah. But then stitches weren't enough, and other things weren't enough. Basically, it was never going to be enough, for me, because it wasn't the right kind of thing. I was always going to need it to be worse, and the only way around that was to not do it at all. Now, it has been quite a long time since I self-harmed, much longer since I needed treatment for it. There is nothing about it that I miss. The idea of deliberately hurting myself is a horrible idea, I have absolutely no desire to ever need stitches or anything ever again. I'm just trying to say that maybe you won't always feel that way.
You're definitely not alone though. It is very common to feel like one's self-harm isn't bad enough unless it reaches a certain level.
Do you know why you feel that way? I'm sure you wouldn't say the same thing to anyone else; does it help at all to try to rationalise these thoughts?
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
I agree. I never usually drew blood when I cut. The one time I opened up to someone about it, she just went on about how many times she's been hospitalized for cutting instead of comforting me.
There definitely is some sort of weird necessity to draw blood, but that's not what it's always about. Some people cut for the blood itself. Some people cut to get that needed attention, so stitches usually get that. But for me, it was always more about the distraction, and you don't need stitches to have pain, I guess.
I've definitely felt this way before.
Although it depends on my frame of mind - sometimes I feel good that I managed to hold myself back from doing too much damage, I like that I was strong enough to resist. But other times I really do feel pathetic and like a failure, and I feel weak because I wasn't able to go deeper.
I used to feel if I didn't require surgery from my self harm, it wasn't enough.
It went from if it didn't require stitches or whatever, to surgery, to life threatening, etc.
It will NEVER be enough.
That's why self harm can be so dangerous, because it never feels enough, no matter what, it just keeps getting worse & worse & worse, until eventually, you put your life at serious risk.
Any kind of self harm is "enough", mild, moderate, severe, life threatening, it's all "enough", just harming yourself is beyond "enough", it's the fact you are self harming in the first place, you need to identify WHY you are self harming, what's causing it, your feelings, thoughts, etc, what triggers it, everything like that.
But yes, I have felt this way before, and it is truly awful.
xx
