It should be good... right?

[FlyingPeanuts]

Today marks 17 months of being SH free. Yay. Go me.

But I hate it. I hate that I can't cut. I hate that I'm too afraid to. I hate myself for not hurting myself.

I genuinely don't know what to think anymore. I'm so confused.

[castaway]

Firstly,congratulations on your massive achievement. Quitting can be quite a tricky process and you've done well to get this far.
By the sound of it you are still in quite a bit of distress, are you seeking any professional help at all? If not perhaps it's something to consider. Remember that SH is usually just a symptom of a deeper problem, and stopping SH alone might not solve the problem right away. Maybe working on the issues that caused you to want to SH in the first place may help.
I wish you all the best, and hope you are feeling better soon!

[FlyingPeanuts]

I'm not seeking professional help as I'm too afraid and I don't have a way of getting help.

[castaway]

Yea, getting professional help can be difficult, especially if you don't feel comfortable with at least a few people knowing about it. I do encourage you to think about ways of getting help if it's what you want. But if it's something you really can't do at the moment, there are still many ways to help yourself. Having an honest think to yourself about the original issues that started all this, and maybe keeping a journal. Even better, if you feel comfortable, you can discuss them with a friend, even if they don't know about the SH, you can talk about the underlying issues. There are also many good self-help books and websites, this is one of them So good to see you've at least found one way to reach out, even if it's a small thing.
I really hope you can find some support somewhere, even if it's just online and by thinking through things yourself.

[FlyingPeanuts]

I know why I started to SH and I know why I want to now, but I can't talk about it. I really want to cut and it scares me.

[PassedExpectations]

it sounds like maybe talking about what happened and experiencing the feelings is scarier and more difficult for you than hurting yourself. as it is, i think that you are very brave and very strong to have resisted hurting yourself for so long when you still don't have another outlet. i can understand why you would feel resentful of not harming when hurting yourself seemed to be the only thing that brought you relief… it might even feel like you are hurting yourself more by not cutting, or that not harming has become a new form of self denial.

have you tried other outlets for urges and feelings? i don't' want to just list things off if you've already tried them...

[FlyingPeanuts]

I've tried quite a few things but I have no motivation to do anything anymore. I just want to cut. But I can't. I'm tired of fighting with myself.

I'm not sure that makes any sense.