I don't know:
how ive got through college this year
The only way:
is up!
Its hard to tell:
if you will ever be ok
The only person:
who bright light to my life is gone.
It kills me that:
I can never see you again
If I were:
a bird i would fly away.
It is not that I:
want to be like this, its how it is.
If someone said:
i understand, i would say your lieing.
My life:
Is a big mess
One thing I know is:
college sucks
I would never:
let you go
I can not stand:
busy places
Im sick of:
the same old crap
Im afraid of:
you leaving
The best:
thing is my friends
Its weird that:
life has changed so much.
I do not have enough:
money!
I need:
sanity
I love:
my world
I tried:
to stop myself
I am starting to:
belive you
For some reason:
i throught you loved me
I should:
Stop loving you
I cant:
think of a future.
Tomorrow:
I'm not going college!
I cant wait until:
I go no holiday
I miss:
my happy life
I always:
get things wrong
My parents:
are the best
Someone:
is loving you
My friends:
are the family i picked for myself
Valentines Day:
i hate it
Parties:
are the best
Why can't:
I just be happy
I dont want:
to fail college
I have to:
move on
I will never:
move on
Marriage:
is not my thing
Children:
are great until they can speak
It seems like:
i'm the only one in the world
I dread:
people seeing my arms.
School:
is crap
The best food:
is celery
Eventually:
i will move on in life.
Everyday:
is the same old crap
Rarely:
people understand me
I still cannot decide:
what to do after this
I am hoping:
i will mever give up fighting.
The suspense:
kills me
It turns out:
that life is not as simple as people make out
Everything:
never makes seens.
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
Sometimes:
I wish I was dead.
No one realizes:
how cruel the world is.
I am so:
done with this
People think:
that there is actually some good in everyone.
Tonight I:
will survive.
It is hard to believe:
that this is my life.
I realized that:
Nothing will ever be the same.
More than before:
I wish i was someone else.
Obviously:
I do not have enough hope and strength.
I can not stop:
this vicious cycle.
Nothing matters if:everything were to die off.
All I want is:
to be perfect in your eyes.
Without even thinking:
I find myself comparing myself to others.
It is clear to me that:
I've given up.
I don't know:
it got this bad.
The only way:
things would get better is if I were to disappear.
Its hard to tell:
if I'll make it.
The only person:
who seemed to be there for me disappeared.
It kills me that:
I actually thought this was the way.
If I were:
just a little bit stronger, it wouldn't hurt as much.
It is not that I:
was happier before, its just that I cant take it anymore.
If someone said:
that they actually cared, I wouldn't believe them.
My life:
Is meaningless.
One thing I know is:
is that it will never get better.
I would never:
have hope again.
I can not stand:
myself anymore.
Im sick of:
Feeling like this.
Im afraid of:
being not good enough.
The best:
thing that has ever happened to me was definitly not this.
Its weird that:
I have no control anymore.
I do not have enough:
strength to carry on like this anymore.
I need:
love.
I love:
being numb.
I tried:
to be perfect, but ended up being even more messed up.
I am starting to:
hate what I've become.
For some reason:
I thought that this would make life easier for me.
I should:
stop being so stupid and accept people's love and help.
I cant:
just stop and leave it all behind because I am too scared.
Tomorrow:
I will break; Im so sure of it.
I cant wait until:
I die.
I miss:
the way things used to be.
I always:
wish I was someone else.
My parents:
are liars, betrayers, and selfish.
Someone:
is dying from this right now.
My friends:
pretend to get it when they haven't the slightest idea.
Valentines Day:
is stupid and i hope it dies off.
Parties:
are fun.
Why can't:
I just make through a day without this crazyness in my head.
I dont want:
To continue.
I have to:
move forward.
I will never:
be okay again.
Marriage:
is for..erm...people who love each other...?
Children:
are underestimated.
It seems like:
Im the only one who's messed up in my whole family and friends.
I dread:
Going back to the doctor.
School:
Makes me forget.
The best food:
is never in my mouth.
Eventually:
people will give up on me.
Everyday:
Seems to be the same.
Married to another wonderful RYL'er - idiot.
♥ July 13, 2013 ♥
No one realizes:
That it’s all an act and that I’m dying on the inside
I am so:
quiet as good as invisible
People think:
They can pass judgement on other people’s belief if it contradicts their own
Tonight I:
Will fall asleep listening to my ipod hoping that tomorrow is a better day
It is hard to believe:
that true love exists
I realized that:
I am my own worst enemy
More than before:
I am closed off and introverted
Obviously:
The world goes on even if you are not in it.
I can not stop:
Worrying about others
Nothing matters if:
you don’t regret it
All I want is:
blind Happiness
Without even thinking:
I would do anything, go anywhere for my friends
It is clear to me that:
we all see the world differently and I don’t think that’s a bad thing
I don't know:
if I’ll get good results on my gcse’s
The only way:
to survive in this world is to be confident in yourself
Its hard to tell:
If they mean what they say
The only person:
that really annoyed me from school is moving to a different 6th form
It kills me that:
There are people in this world suffering so much
If I were:
able to do magic I’d reset my life so I could start over again
It is not that I:
want to bottle everything up inside, it’s just that its too hard for me to let it out
If someone said:
They were in love with me I’d think they were lying
My life:
is like a film and I’m just waiting for the happy ending to come
One thing I know is:
That I can count on my friends for anything
I would never:
laugh at someones problems and say they were too trivial
I can not stand:
the habit of smoking
Im sick of:
life
Im afraid of:
rejection
The best:
things in life never seem to happen to the people that deserve it the most
Its weird that:
I can ramble on for ages about something random but when it comes to talking about my own feelings I get stuck for words
I do not have enough:
self confidence or self esteem
I need:
someone to tell me what it is that I need
I love:
my friends
I tried:
to make you understand but you just don’t care anymore
I am starting to:
fall back into my old ways
For some reason:
I thought life would get better
I should:
just dissapear
I cant:
Stand to look at myself in the mirror
Tomorrow:
is something that never comes
I cant wait until:
I stop drowning
I miss:
the blissful innocence of childhood
I always:
fall asleep with my ipod in
My parents:
don’t notice anything
Someone:
said to me once while we were sitting in a park with friends, that they were pissed at me for being depressed. They left after that to find “better company” I forgave them but it will always be there in the back of my mind.
My friends:
mean the world to me. Without them I would no longer be in this world
Valentines Day:.
sickens me
Parties:
alienate me
Why can't:
people notice me
I dont want:
to continue living like this
I have to:
keep going
I will never:
let people walk all over me again
Marriage:
is something I’d like to have but can’t imagine loving someone so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them
Children:
are born innocent
It seems like:
I’ll never see the light
I dread:
waking up the next day
School:
helps me forget
The best food:
is made by my mom
Eventually:
Life gets better
Everyday:
I have to listen to MCR
Rarely:
people see the true me
I still cannot decide:.
what I want to do with my life
No one realizes:
How long I've been left alone in my own mind to go insane
I am so:
Hopelessly lost without someone else here.
People think:
I'm a good person
Tonight I:
Will continue pretending I'm somebody else so I can live another day
It is hard to believe:
That I'm still alive
I realized that:
I'm nothing
More than before:
I need somebody in my arms
Obviously:
I want to give it all away
I can not stop:
Thinking like this
Nothing matters if:
Nobody cares
All I want is:
somebody to keep me company
Without even thinking:
I have dark thoughts
It is clear to me that:
It's hopeless
I don't know:
Why I even bother
The only way:
I'll live is to die
Its hard to tell:
If I'll keep my resolve
The only person:
I loved hates me
It kills me that:
I'm too strong to give up
If I were:
Happy, I'd be better off
It is not that I:
Want to hurt anybody, it's just too hard right now
If someone said:
I love you, I'd be happy
My life:
Is insane
One thing I know is:
things aren't always what they seem
I would never:
give up so easily
I can not stand:
people
Im sick of:
pushing so hard and always coming up short
Im afraid of:
Nothing
The best:
is not always truly what it seems
Its weird that:
I'm still here
I do not have enough:
Charisma
I need:
A girlfriend
I love:
Videogames
I tried:
Too much, too often, just to fail
I am starting to:
Realise too much about myself
For some reason:
I thought I could be loved
I should:
try to get back some amount of trying
I cant:
Give in so easy
Tomorrow:
I have to work
I cant wait until:
I get a new girl
I miss:
How it used to be
I always:
Have horrible dreams
My parents:
Are afraid of me
Someone:
needs to pay
My friends:
Are the only people I think could ever care about me
Valentines Day:
Is a day thats high in suicide rates
Parties:
Are complete and utter bullshit
Why can't:
You people understand?
I dont want:
to give up
I have to:
Come out of my shell
I will never:
Let allow myself to feel so vulnerable again.
Marriage:
Is a far off fantasy that is most peoples lives
Children:
Are strange
It seems like:
I should stop trying
I dread:
Being alone forever
School:
is meaningless
The best food:
I make
Eventually:
We will all be forgotten
Everyday:
Sucks worse than the last
Rarely:
soes anyone give me a thought
I still cannot decide:
What to do with my life
I am hoping:
I can figure it out
The suspense:
Kills people
It turns out:
I'm still right
Everything:
is pointless
Take me away, I just want out from this self-imprisoned self-made Hell. Don't be surprsed, this is your mind coming to life by self-sacrifice. This tragedy of death will walk hand in hand with every thought of regret. Blame yourself for what you've become. The mind is a powerful thing set to self-destruct.
~I, Dementia - Whitechapel~
Tonight I:
will stay awake to burn calories and then tell my mother my cough kept me up.
It is hard to believe:
how ungrateful and selfish I am.
I realized that:
I need to be thinner.
More than before:
I need to be in control.
Obviously:
I am a complete idiot.
I can not stop:
this thing that is eating me whole.
Nothing matters if:
I have cigarettes and alcohol.
All I want is:
to be happy.
Without even thinking:
I self destruct.
It is clear to me that:
I don't deserve to live amongst normal people.
I don't know:
why I get up in the morning.
The only way:
to survive this and stay sane is to get thin.
Its hard to tell:
if I'll keep my resolve.
The only person:
I ever loved will never want me the way I want her.
It kills me that:
we can't be together.
If I were:
thin, things would be better.
It is not that I:
want attention, or to upset people, I just want control.
If someone said:
something good about me I'd hate them for lying.
My life:
is fine, I just can't stop lviing in the past.
One thing I know is:
this will never go away.
I would never:
tell anybody the truth about what goes on in my head.
I can not stand:
compliments right now.
Im sick of:
sticking around for everybody else, caring for everybody else.
Im afraid of:
myself.
The best:
thing to do, is to just keep going, don't think.
Its weird that:
I'm awake at this time.
I do not have enough:
willpower.
I need:
to gain control.
I love:
smoking.
I tried:
to quit, temporarily, it didn't work out.
I am starting to:
realise what a **** up I am.
For some reason:
I thought I deserved to get better.
I should:
restrict better.
I cant:
give in so easily to temptation.
Tomorrow:
will be exactly the same.
I cant wait until:
I lose weight.
I miss:
feeling ok about myself.
I always:
feel insecure.
My parents:
don't deserve someone so ****ed up.
Someone:
needs to give me a slap.
My friends:
are ace.
Valentines Day:
is a day I will Never send anything on again.
Parties:
can be fun if there's enough alcohol.
Why can't:
anybody see this?
I dont want:
to stay this way.
I have to:
lose weight.
I will never:
trust anybody again.
Marriage:
works if you are both in love and stay that way.
Children:
are irritating.
It seems like:
I should stop trying to get better.
I dread:
the rest of my life.
School:
never suited me.
The best food:
is low in calorie and nice tasting.
Eventually:
I will look in the mirror and be proud.
Everyday:
I have to button my lip, force a smile and get on with my pointless existence.
Rarely:
do people notice anymore.
I still cannot decide:
between letting this take control and fighting for recovery.
I am hoping:
college will be the answer.
The suspense:
of my exam results is doing my head in.
It turns out:
I'm still the girl people ask 'would you rather have diet coke' with raised eyebrows, as if to ask how someone as ugly as me as the audacity to drink normal coke.
Everything:
is hollow and pointless.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter