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Old 25-11-2017, 12:57 AM   #1
Moonlight Princess
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I don't really know what to say.....

.....but I could probably do with a space to talk things through. I have to say some things which are just deeply negative and I can't see my way through how I feel right now.

I was sectioned again on Sunday and I'm just so tired of myself. It was so impulsive. Everybody has got wrapped up in all my nonsense yet again. I don't feel the same anymore but I'm so convinced that it will happen again that I just don't think my existence here is warranted anymore. I don't want to find myself back here again. Part of me would like my life to be over even though
I don't feel sad or anything like that. I'm probably really happy. It's like it was all a dream. I hate hurting people but I'm sure I don't come across like that and it might seem like I enjoy bringing everyone to their wits end

I'm not sure why I act so stupidly. I'm not sure why I don't try harder. I don't want to have to try and work why I behave the way I do or why I can never stick at things. I don't feel hope any longer but that's only because I know myself and I know how things end up. I just don't think I'm cut out for life. Even as I type that I know it's stupid but it's also how I feel at the moment.



Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.


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Old 25-11-2017, 02:01 AM   #2
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Sometimes getting dark things off your chest can make things easier, so I hope it helps a little.


I'm sorry things are rough right now, but I think doctors are going to give you more support now, and maybe you'll feel better. Whatever is done is already done and there's no need to regret it. Everyone of us is being impulsive at times, we're all human, and it's completely understandable. You're struggling and it isn't your fault. Maybe, nothing in this life is warranted, but it isn't what it's all about. Life is about making one little step after a little step at a time, and even though there is many things that can go wrong more or less unexpectedly at any point, there's always hope.
Just wanted to make sure, what do you mean by not wanting to find yourself back here?
It's good that you recognise that it's only a part of you that wants your life to be over. It means that there's also another part of you that wants to live and for things to get better and it's really worth a shot to listen to that other part.
What makes you feel like everything was a dream?
I'm pretty sure no one thinks you want to hurt people on purpose. You seem like a very kind and caring person that cares about other people's feelings. No one would think of you like that.


Things don't always have to end up the same. Things can change. Every single living creature in this world is made for living. It's damn hard to kill a human because everything in our minds and bodies is made to persist and survive. You are made to live, you can do it. I understand feeling otherwise, I've been there too, feeling like I'm somehow different from everyone else, not fit for survival. But I hope you understand that just isn't true, that's just a feeling and it can pass.

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Old 25-11-2017, 03:17 AM   #3
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I love you Kiran.

You are an amazing, caring, insanely intelligant, beautiful, wise person and I am honoured to be your friend.

I wanted to leave you love because you deserve it <3

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Old 25-11-2017, 08:49 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by [Luna] View Post
I love you Kiran.

You are an amazing, caring, insanely intelligant, beautiful, wise person and I am honoured to be your friend.

I wanted to leave you love because you deserve it <3
This.

I'm so sorry things have gotten so dark for you. Please try to be honest with the professionals (i.e. don't just tell them you're being silly etc!) and let them try to help you. You are such a wonderful person and deserve to get the proper treatment that will help you get to a place where life feels worth living.

<3



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 25-11-2017, 02:11 PM   #5
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Lots of love Kiran, so sorry to hear you're struggling so much. All the love <3

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Old 25-11-2017, 02:27 PM   #6
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Don’t have the words, but I am thinking of you. Take care.





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Old 25-11-2017, 03:37 PM   #7
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We all love and care about you, Kiran. You're not acting stupid, you're struggling. I hope you get the support you deserve.



Sweetpea


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Old 26-11-2017, 07:43 AM   #8
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Kiran, you are most definitely one of the best people on this effing planet.
I hope you are getting the help that you need. I believe in you and I believe there is a future for you that is worth fighting for.

I love you <3



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But till I try, I'll never know


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Old 26-11-2017, 01:03 PM   #9
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Thank you all. I have read and I'm so thankful for your replies. I'm going to reply later as we're having an impromptu cinema trip which should be nice :)



Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.


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Old 26-11-2017, 03:05 PM   #10
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I hope you enjoy your cinema trip. Take care lovely.





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Old 26-11-2017, 09:07 PM   #11
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I hope you enjoyed the movie. I'm glad you reached out. Why do you feel so bad?

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Old 26-11-2017, 10:31 PM   #12
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Hello!

Right firstly is it Valerie? I hope so anyway! I just want to say thank you so much for your post because it's so exactly what I needed to hear and I've re-read it several times since you posted because it's really chock full of the wisdom I need right now! You're right that that there is always hope so it's a good thing I'm alive as there wouldn't be any if not.

I'm currently being seen by the home treatment team and I think the plan is to re-evaluate my diagnosis which I think could be really helpful in terms of having a plan going forward.


Quote:
what do you mean by not wanting to find yourself back here?
Right now I feel like I'm in this cycle of behaviour where I make mistakes but instead of dealing with that properly I just isolate myself from the world and become suicidal. Over the years the impact of that behaviour and the people who care about me has been huge It feels like I can't stop it happening which is stupid because the only one who can stop it is me but I don't, and then it becomes "clear" that I should die.



Quote:
What makes you feel like everything was a dream?
Just how different things can feel and how quickly. Like this past week I have been actually happy, not because I'm relieved that someone stopped me, just happy in that I've been laughing and joking with my family. So what happened on Sunday? Did I dream it? Did I make it up? I'm never really able to remember how I felt when I do something that impulsive. I can't remember it now so all of this support and input seems really superfluous and I'm pretty certain that's how it comes across to my family.

Luna, Jenna I think it's only you deeply kind people who can see that see that in me and I too am honoured to be your friend. Also right back at ya with those adjectives! I'm half afraid that I am being silly though because everything feels different now so surely I need to be honest about that? I did tell the psychiatrist that often everything feels different after I try to kill myself and I often can't access how I felt when I was doing it. I hope that's enough for them to know that I'm not making this up because I really don't think I am.

Thanks Rachel, Mary and Lorraine Lots of love to you all, I'm so grateful for your support.

Lana And you are one of the best people on the effing planet too. Yeah I do want a better future than this. I'm going to fight for it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by tamobhuuta View Post
I hope you enjoyed the movie. I'm glad you reached out. Why do you feel so bad?
I did thanks Miriam, it was Paddington 2 which I can highly recommend! I think it was mainly just a cumulative effect of my behaviour over the years. I just find all my behaviour so inexplicable and frustrating.


Last edited by Moonlight Princess : 29-11-2017 at 07:33 PM.


Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.


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Old 27-11-2017, 09:46 AM   #13
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Hello, Kiran. Hope you don't mind if I call you that. Being on a first name basis with you is a honour, because judging by what I'm seeing you're obviously a star :)


I am really glad to know that you are feeling better now. I hope you can see that many people love you, and care, and would love to help you whenever you feel down again. I understand how vicious cycles can take over ones life and make you feel like you're no longer in control and the same things will just keep happening. But you're alive and that's amazing. That means that there's another chance for things to change for the better.



You are such a lovely, lovely person. Please take care, cause you're amazing, and everyone needs people like you. You deserve a happy future, so please don't give up!


Oh, and yeah, it's Valerie.

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Old 28-11-2017, 09:17 PM   #14
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Well said Valerie!! *hijacking thread in the hopes of also being on first name terms with Valerie*

Kiran, well done for being honest with your psychiatrist, and I'm glad that there seems to be plans for moving forward from here and hopefully getting you the help you need.

It must be frustrating for the wellness that comes after a crisis to be so invalidating of your experiences and I hope you can keep holding on to the knowledge that you're definitely not making any of this up. Perhaps looking through your RVs leading up to what happened might help you start to piece together what your feelings and emotions were and hopefully better understand how to prevent it getting to that stage. Is there anything you think your friends and family could do if we thought you were heading to a bad place to help prevent you isolating yourself?

*sending lots of hugs and forcibly purchased against your will hot chocolates!*



We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.


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Old 01-12-2017, 12:30 AM   #15
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Hi Valerie. ��

Gosh thank you so much for your incredibly kind words. You're truly a lovely person yourself. Yes I'm really blessed to have lovely people around me and I have so many amazing memories because of them. I'm just tired. I think I'm being cowardly because not being here seems easier. Picking myself up to fail again is too hard at the moment.

Jenna that's a really good idea with the R/V and I'll write some notes about that because I might be having another appointment with a psychiatrist on Sunday. I don't think there is anything my friends or family need to do anything. I think they're doing everything and I need to do something myself now.

I have nothing in my life right now and I'm feeling at a loss as to how to keep myself occupied / productive. I know nobody can help with that and I need to do it myself, I just wanted to put it out there do maybe I need to focus on some goals to get me through each day/week.

I got kicked off my TEFL course because I haven't been going and I feel the need to punish myself for that. It's a little bit of a tricky time as my medication is helping me think straighter so theoretically it feels easier to hurt myself if I wanted to .


Last edited by Moonlight Princess : 01-12-2017 at 12:45 AM.


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Old 01-12-2017, 09:49 PM   #16
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Dear Kiran, my stellar friend, I really don't think that you're a coward. In fact, the very fact that you're still here with us and still see the bright side in your life proves that you are really, really brave. It's just that you're struggling with feelings that are hard. At times, it might seem that there's no way out of this struggle, but it's not like that. Things can and will change for the better. This overwhelming tiredness will pass, I promise. You're strong, and you're brave, and you can get through it.
Can you think of something in particular that makes you feel especially tired? Or, conversely, of something that can make you feel less tired? Do you think being occupied more, or having different things to do would genuinely make you feel better, or do you think that you just have to be more productive?


Please, don't hurt yourself. You're an amazing person, you don't deserve to be hurt. Everyone stumbles at times, life is tricky, but you deserve patience and care. Please, take care.

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Old 02-12-2017, 07:22 PM   #17
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Oh I'm sorry you got kicked off the course Kiran :( I presume your lack of attendance was due to feeling not great rather than any lack of interest? If so, maybe you could look for something similar that you'd like to start? Are you still working in London (not sure if you want me to use the employer's name here?)?

I hope that the psych appointment does go ahead tomorrow and that you're able to convey some of what's going on for you.

I'm glad that the medication is helping you think straighter, though I can understand that it's a downside in that hurting yourself feels easier. You don't deserve to be punished at all. You are a wonderful person and your only 'crime' seems to be being unwell and that's not a crime at all! And even if there was something to be punished for, do you not think you've been punished enough? You're feeling rotten, you've missed out on a course you were enjoying, you're worried about things, you don't need to hurt any more <3 Do you think that overall the medication is a good thing or not?


Last edited by Pi.R^2 : 02-12-2017 at 07:41 PM.


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Old 02-12-2017, 07:31 PM   #18
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Oh, lovely Kiran. I am sending all my love.

You don't need to punish yourself for anything. Sorry you lost your place on the course, but it doesn't mean that it's an avenue that's now closed to you. When you are feeling better you can try again, if you want to.

Regarding goals and productivity, could you make a little list every day/week? Nothing huge or overwhelming, for me 'brush hair' is often the kind of level I can cope with. And try to remember it's not a negative reflection on you if there are things you can't manage.

I hope the appointment goes alright tomorrow.

Thinking of you.



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Old 02-12-2017, 09:14 PM   #19
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Thinking of you x

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Old 05-12-2017, 01:19 AM   #20
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Thank you lovelies.

Thank you so much Valerie. I am trying so hard to focus on the positives of still being here. It's just that part of me is still in the head space of what happened. I know I need to move on. It's just hard.

I think not having anything to do is making things worse but I know that people are frightened when they think of letting me go anywhere. I did this and created this situation and that is the most exhausting thing of all. The psychiatrist has decided not to see me which is a little disappointing. I'm having an assessment tomorrow. I'm not even sure what it's for. The team were talking about emotional first aid and a weekly skills group to teach how to better manage emotions so it might be for that. Maybe I could use my R/V notes for that.

Jenna, thank you Angel of the North :) I've been signed off work for a couple of weeks but if I go back and I have to email them them the sick note tomorrow which I'm dreading a lot but I need to (wo)man up about that I suppose. Can't believe this has infiltrated work. They might never look at me in the same way again.

Yeah I could certainly look into more TEFL stuff if I wanted to, it's just that right now the thought of it is tinged with so much sadness and disappointment that it's probably best to put that to one side at least for the moment.

Overall the medication is awesome and I'm very grateful for it. I would not be able to function without it.

Lovely Lio a list is a great idea and might help me work up some motivation. Tomorrow I have the assessment and I'm going shopping with mymum so that should help so I need to:
  • Be as honest as I can about how I'm feeling.
  • Email my line manager.
  • Email the supervisor who was on duty a couple of Saturdays ago.
  • Take medication

Thank you Miriam. I'm thinking of you too.



Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.


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