Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
Thanks Kahlia, its cold here for the next few nights. I am just tiptoeing the edge of a cliff right now... one slip and its over :(
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
im so nervous about this. im about to take the theory test to begin taking driver licence. i cant concentrate almost. i need to read part 4 and 5 in the book "road to driver licence". then any day during next week i might go down to MOT to drop in for a theory test. i dont know where to stand cause im so nervous. if i fail i get suspended for 2 weeks until i can retake the test to pass it. if i dont get it right during before the end or march i have to wait til next october before i can complete the licence 100% cause i need night driving wich i can only take from october to march. wish all of you best of luck in finding focus, concentration and hope you remember and can find yourself to relax inbetween stressing times. remember to breathe if in disarray, it helps. :D
/me manages to get out of the ward and steals with me a bit of cash to go to the town mall to shop horrendously many different things only your imaginations could explain if you relly needed them at the time you were in desperate need of something and redecorates the ward with shiny walls of hope and glittering furniture that spark a bright day and puts food in the cooler candy on the table aswell as non candy food like fruit on the living room table and removes any trace of sharp items for needed reasons cleans the rooms so that they smell fresh and clean so the air is suitable for a breathable atmosphere. lays card games on the tables, hangs posters on the wall, video games in front of the tv's, tells everyone to get showers and rest, organizes new clothes on the clothes rack, indoor shoes and hats, phluffy stuffed pets for whomever that needs them, and a new attic appears at the end of a 20 stair staircase with lots of warm blankets and a heater in the middle of the room in case people needs to relax, there is now a door bell incase "the wardens" would mind coming visist us for treated medical care everything from right hand lotion to scratches the cat that came with the furniture was misbehaving(naughty carol and clark(yes he's called by supermans human name since he likes to climb lamp poles and jumps from them)), new lamppoles everywhere so that it gets visible during night time so that fright is easily conquered, many mini stereo's so that people can listen to music if down and restless, several new laptops and a high speed internet subscription that the wardens agreed to when they found me strolling around town, magazines about all you can think of reading - atleast one for each and everyone, new time schedule to go walks with the wardens when you feel you want fresh air, new separate time schedule to talk with wardens if you feel you have a heavy heart - non commitable, new arconditioner units in the house - ward - separate rooms, trips in the new minibuss every tuesday and thursday for those who wanna get out and see the hills and the trees on the other side of the mountains, activities ward for those who wanna be handy - everything from small boxes to handmade rugs, saturday is pizza night - stay out or order takeaway or take in\home, theater studio in a separate big room - movie night out monday wednesday or friday at your own choice, shopping service so that if we run out of food items we can call shopping service to shop for us if we are lazy and wanna stay inside the ward, big kitchen if we wanna make our own food - no more warden food, excersize evenings sunday so that we actually sleep to monday instead of stressing about the beginning of a new week so we can sleep cause of tired, new cellphones for everyone just to keep in touch if we get lost or wanna hide from beeing found if in need of hugz or support or care.
*goes to the corner and stares at the wall with a blanket*
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
I see a lot of new faces. Some of you may remember me from 2010/2011. It's been 3 years, 3 months, 16 days since I've done anything to myself. I'm here today because for the past few weeks I've been thinking about hurting myself again. Or just disappearing altogether.
I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I barely eat and I feel sick all the time. No one knows it's gone this far. So today, I'm back home, here with all of you.
There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?
Shadow13: I'm an old-timer on vets, particularly the virtual psych ward (VPW) and have seen many people come and go over time. Whilst I'm sorry that you need us again, I'm glad that you're able to use this forum to reach out. You've made quite an achievement being SI free as long as you have and I'm very encouraged to see you've reached out for help prior to doing anything harmful to yourself. That alone tells me that you are very self aware. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with thoughts of self harm. Is there a reason you can think of that has rekindled these thoughts? I can understand wanting to disappear altogether. Having trouble sleeping, concentrating, eating and constantly feeling sick may be caused by anxiety and/or depression but it might be worth getting checked by a doctor (GP) just in case something physical isn't quite right. I hope you get what you need here. *safe hugs*
Matt: Firstly *hugs* I realise you did something you have been working to avoid doing but remember that doing so doesn't define who you are. You've been struggling very hard recently and it definitely hasn't been an easy path you've been walking. Still, you are bigger than this event and through it you will learn more about yourself and your own internal strength than you would have otherwise. You are a good person, even if it's hard to see that right now. *walks over and offers blankets and just sits with you*
M0nk: I hope that you are managing to concentrate a bit better on the required theory for your drivers licence test. Good luck if you haven't already taken the test, and if you have then I hope it went well. I'm not sure what else to say but I hope you are doing okay. *safe hugs*
As for me, things aren't going so well. My husband found out that I was intending to completely dump my pdoc and kill myself. He's asked me to see my pdoc one more time and to discuss my reasons for walking away, such as he doesn't listen, dismisses important things, discounts my psychotic episodes as dissociation, believes my nonexistent anxiety is the cause of the psychotic symptoms he acknowledges and doesn't have my best interest at heart. I can't see this as helping in any way but I'll give it a try. It's going to be a massive waste of my time but oh well ... You get that.
*finds a spot under a freezing cold airconditioner and makes a blanket fort for me and my teddy bear*
airconditioner's not supposed to be cold. hum?!? why are you in the food storage cooler room? its cold there. come sit in the sofa so we can talk with you.
M0nk: We are in the middle of summer heat right now (37 degrees C, 98% humidity) so being somewhere cold would be lovely. Thankfully it's cooling down now as it's almost midnight. The heat makes it almost impossible to do anything.
*curls back into her blanket fort to try and get some sleep before the heat kicks in again*
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
I'm on antidepressants as of today~ I was too young to be on them in the past, but now I'm 18, and my gp can see how badly I'm being affected, she didn't seem to mind putting me on a two week trial run. I'm on Fluoxetine 20mg. I'm going back in two weeks to get some more, but I'm just gonna see what happens.
I'm in my first year of University, in student accommodation, and one of the residents (who I knew prior to moving in), is a complete .... and often brings up the fact I talk to myself. The house I live in has a lot of maintenance problems, the people don't know how to cook or clean properly and the stress just got to be too much.
I feel a lot better today, but that's probably because I cried so much yesterday between my counseling appointment and my gp appointment... My counselor is going to try and get me on the University's DSA and get me some more help with my course too.
There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?
So tired of all of this... I just I could make it all go away...
*restocks the table with foodage and drinks*
*takes a brownie and cupcake, then retreats to the corner with a blanket*
Blanket forts sound fun Kahlia
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
*sets up a soft pillow fort for us all* *takes a brownie and climbs inside with fluffy blankets*
I know what you mean, YodaBear, just remember that not every day is bad and that you can get through the ones that are. Don't give up, we're all here.
There's a hand;
Reaching into the darkness,
Pulling me back towards ethereal white.
Did we know this?
That we would be each others...
Never-ending light?
Matt: No words at the moment sorry but *safe hugs*
shadow13: Thanks for the pillow fort.
Not coping so well at the moment but at least managed to start patching up our relationships with our pdoc. Still just want to cry or disappear...
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
And I find myself in here again as my real feelings are all messed up and I'm utterly sad and the drink doesn't make it stop only hurt more but it does for a while and I narrowly avoided section and how id love illegal substances so I'm in here looking for some reassurance and non judgement and trying not to hurt ....
I am going to hide in here again... I had a good 5 days but now I am crashing again...
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Matt: At least you did have 5 good days. *offers blankets and pillows*
bpd_crayon: It sounds like things have been intense. Feel free to let your hair down and your emotions show. I hope you'll find this a safe place without judgement.
She shouts, she screams, she smashes your dreams . . .
Would you mind if I killed you? Would you mind if I tried to?
'Cause you have turned into my worst enemy,
You carry hate that I don't feel: It's over now WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
* Proud Plumeria Sister * My Support Thread * I got lei'd in vets *
* My RYL Family: big brother Doikers; little sisters MammaMia & flutterby butterfly *
i've occationally stopped eating. i think these meds do me too good.
i had a blood sample test and if its comes out good the doctor might take me down 5Mg.
and he said that im doing so well on them that he almost dont dares to reduce them.
its going better but still there's something that lingers. i've been over all that about self harming and worse but i didnt think much of it. other than that i might use it later as a last option. although my head is strongly rotating from it. i dont drink i dont hit myself i bore the crap out of me sometimes. although still no friends.
