I want to harm

[Celticroots]

I want to harm after quite a while free. My Mom and I were talking about my future today. Since I have a disability and can’t live completely independently, I’ll be living in a place for people with disabilities. It’s not a group home. The place sounds great and cares for a wide range of disabilities. They also help you with daily living skills as well as help you get a job. There are two facilities we are seriously considering-one in Washington and another in Texas.

In the facility in Texas doors are not allowed on the bedrooms, so I’d be worried about someone finding my first aid kit if I do decide on that place.

The amount of in home support they offer in California is a joke so me living there long term isn’t an option.

This won’t be for at least another year but I’ve been worrying about it. My Mom will have to move with me because a large part of my disability is physical stuff and I can’t get new doctors on my own. My Dad and step mom live in Texas, and even though things are better between us I don’t feel I can go to them with serious things. I’ll never fully be comfortable around my stepmom. They still trigger me sometimes.

My Mom said how much work it would be to move again. We moved to California from our home state. Then we moved from a condo to a house. Then I just felt like garbage. I am aware I’ll never be normal. Sorry I am not normal. I wish I was born on time when I was supposed to be.

Sometimes I feel like such a burden compared to my cousins who are living on their own, going to school. Today I am surrounded by people who are normal, married etc. I am a stick in the mud. My therapist and I have discussed these feelings, but I think. I need to bring it up again next time I see her.

These feelings of inadequacy and being a burden can get so strong I want to take them out on myself.

These feelings don’t bother me most of the time. I don’t know why I feel so bad. I want to go to town on myself for relief.

[Pi.R^2]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, it must be very difficult for you. It's not really fair for your mum to make you feel like you're a burden, as it's not your fault that you have a disability! Have you ever told her how she makes you feel?

Would you consider try distractions/self-soothing things as an alternate to hurting yourself?

[Celticroots]

Thank you. I feel like it wasn’t my Moms intention at all to make me feel like a burden, because she’s told me in the past I am not, but I interpreted it that way. I am bringing it up with my therapist when I see her next. As far as distractions I’ve tried YouTube, bracelet making, etc. the urge is still there a little but it’s a new day so I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

[Pi.R^2]

I hope that talking about it in therapy is helpful.
Well done on trying distractions :). How are you doing now?

[Celticroots]

I am sorry I didn’t respond faster. I am doing better now thanks :)

[Pi.R^2]

So pleased to hear that you are doing better! All the best :)

[Celticroots]

Thank you :) Hope you're doing well too.