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Old 12-05-2019, 11:57 AM   #1
nonperson
 
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Coping in your own company...

This has been buzzing around my head for a few days but not quite sure how to explain it properly.

So, I guess I spend a lot of time on my own. I work with plenty people around and have interaction in the day but generally am working alone and then I come home and spend the evening alone too. I do prefer my own company and can sometimes be quite ok just pottering around at home... but then again there are times when I cannot stand my own company and can't settle, can't relax, can't get jobs done, can't focus on anything other than things not being right. And it's times like that when I crave company or someone to talk to, whether it's about more serious stuff or just for general chatter but I don't really have anyone to reach out to.

Just wondering really what others do if you find yourself in that situation?

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Old 12-05-2019, 07:55 PM   #2
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tbh i talk to my dog lol. No but seriously, that's why pets (even smaller ones like rats, fishes, etc.) are often so good.

i also talk to people online, or occasionally go someplace like a coffee shop where i can talk to the barista for a little bit if i know it is not busy and then leave when i feel ready, or sit there for a bit.



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Old 12-05-2019, 08:10 PM   #3
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I do talk to my cat a lot. And he is company but it's not the same.

Coffee shop isn't an option for me. Really don't like going places like that especially on my own. And I'd be too shy and awkward to talk to the barista and it's the same with online sometimes...

And it's especially hard to reach out when I'm detesting my own company so much that I can't stand to be around myself... and there's no escape from that.

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Old 12-05-2019, 08:47 PM   #4
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I know many of the older people I work for often have the radio or television on and they find that helpful? I hate it personally, but it is chatter. I think there's also white noise apps you can download that's something like coffee shop noise. That doesn't give you the actual interaction though. Unsure if you're wanting actual interaction or not.



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Old 12-05-2019, 10:04 PM   #5
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Radio sometimes works but it's not really that I'm after interaction, I guess, it's about dealing with the feelings that cause the need for interaction and not being able to cope with knowing it's unattainable? Or something... I don't think I'm explaining myself well at all.

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Old 12-05-2019, 10:24 PM   #6
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I know what you mean. I'm not good at dealing with it myself so don't have a lot to suggest (I've only been living on my own since January). Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one who gets that way.





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Old 12-05-2019, 10:43 PM   #7
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Thanks, Eska. I'm glad someone understands, although not glad that you know how it feels.

Actually... you made me think about how long I've been living on my own and it's three years this month...

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Old 12-05-2019, 10:47 PM   #8
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Maybe instead it might be worth challenging the idea that it's unattainable? If you want to interact with others, it might be worth trying to challenge yourself in ways to help yourself build up to do that in ways that you are okay with. You'll never get better at it if you don't try things. That said, I can understand if you don't feel you are in a place or have the right support to be able to do that. No judgement either way, just also maybe an angle to consider.



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Old 12-05-2019, 10:53 PM   #9
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I know what you're saying, Auror. I suppose I don't try hard enough sometimes... I don't have support in helping with stuff like that and decided quite a while ago that, despite putting myself in social situations, it wasn't worth it in the end because the outcome was never good or enjoyable... so, yeah I dunno where that leaves me really.

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Old 13-05-2019, 10:53 AM   #10
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I wasn't trying to imply that you weren't trying. Sorry! If it doesn't feel like something you want to work on or challenge that's totally okay. With stuff like that though often avoiding those feelings or guilt over them tends to make it worse.

For me it's more helpful to do things like set a timer and allow myself to sit with and dwell on the feeling for a set amount of time, and then when the timer is up switch to something else that occupies my mind like a puzzle or color by numbers or whatever you find helpful. I also find it helpful to remind myself that feeling that way isn't inherently wrong or bad. It just is. Then I tell myself that it's not something that is a priority to work on for now, so it isn't helpful in that moment. Then try to redirect to something that is more of a priority.

I don't know if that made any sense.

Also you may have a think about what types of social interaction you do like or at least find more tolerable? For example chatting online or posting in forums are totally being social!! If that is what you prefer then there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone enjoys in person situations and that is okay too.



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Old 13-05-2019, 08:46 PM   #11
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I know you didn't mean I wasn't trying. It is true I probably don't try hard enough... and yes, I avoid dealing with everything so that is probably making things worse. =/

I sort of like the timer idea... I'm not sure what activity I would switch to though - puzzles and colouring require concentration and I don't always have much of that. And getting off the sofa isn't an easy task, sometimes I'm just perched there and frozen... x.x

I've always preferred online interaction... and had myself convinced for years that it was a perfectly acceptable form of socialising... but I don't know what my opinion on it is now. And I still find online socialising so hard...

Gah, I'm rubbish... (and clearly being pathetic and emo tonight)

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Old 14-05-2019, 12:09 PM   #12
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How about setting up a WhatsApp Skype group? For video video chats with people, after a while you will forget the geographical distance and you could have it running so it’s natural environment. It could be safer option that you are control of your own environment, it’s your place. You bring up the confidence to speak and if you don’t feel out of place.
You don’t have that deep routed fear, is this person gong to turn up, am I going to agree to meet with some people and they’ve done a runner or give you've youa number that doesn’t existence and you’ve left in the pouring rain and pissed off.

It could even be confidence to speak socially and not feel drained...as we know that living with depression can be draining



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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Old 14-05-2019, 04:28 PM   #13
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I have no idea if any of this will be useful but I'll share anyway. Is there a way that you could spend more time with people at work/during the day so when you get home you're totally peopled out and ready to have some alone time? Also, I think it's good to try to stick to a routine as much as possible. I know that you're likely to be tired after work but are there small things you could plan to do each evening? Writing things down can be good too, I make sure I write in my diary once daily. Writing once might be good to allow you that space to get things on paper but then leave it at that, but if you think writing more than once would be better then that's ok. It doesn't have to be in a diary, it could be here, or you could destroy what you've written if you're not comfortable with keeping it.

You've said you have a friend who you have been there for. Maybe you could try and let them in a bit more and allow them to also support you. Really slow steps. If you just want a general chat you could maybe say to them that you're bored and in need of some good chat. Telephone helplines can be helpful at times, if you're anxious or whatever try and just dial the number and say hello and explain that you're anxious/whatever and that making the call is difficult for you but you're going to try and go with it. Then they can hopefully try and make it a bit easier for you. Helplines also sometimes allow you to have a general chat as distraction although I know it's better if you know the person.

When I'm in a really can't focus and can't be bothered with myself mood I spend time on Amazon looking at the new books and what books are recommended for me and add them to my wish list. It takes up brain space but not too much. Is there something similar you could do if you think it would help? Like researching films you might like to watch?

Reaching out to interact is hard but not impossible. You could start with people you think you trust more, or with helplines and as I said explain things to them. It might get easier the more you do it. I know that it can be hard to be by yourself and it can also be hard to talk to people. I know that you might look through your contacts list and think 'there is absolutely no one I can contact.' That hurts, but I think if you could build up your confidence you would feel better about reaching out to people.

I hope this stuff at least makes sense.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-05-2019, 07:22 PM   #14
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Apologies for taking a while to reply...

Yoyogirl - thanks for the reply but I'm not sure a WhatsApp group would be the right thing to do, who would I ever add to it? And video chats would be a big no.

Lindsay - thank you, that's a lot of stuff to consider there. I can't really surround myself with more people at work. My team consists of two people and I can bear being around my colleague even less than I can stand my own company. I suppose it was different when my friend was at work because we'd work together a lot of the time. The rest of the bigger team I see in passing but they're out and about elsewhere.

I understand what you mean about researching things on Amazon. I suppose I do sort of do that but can't seem to do it for very long.

I'm still unsure about using helplines... I don't know what I'd say or if I could even say anything or I'd probably decide that it wasn't worth saying anyway. I really don't like phone calls at the best of times.

I don't mean to reject any advice given, it is all useful to read and is something to consider.

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Old 17-05-2019, 08:18 PM   #15
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Has there ever been a time when you've felt more comfortable in your own company?





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 17-05-2019, 08:22 PM   #16
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Weirdly what popped to mind was, yes, three years ago when the ex-boyfriend left and moved out. I was quite content pottering around the house/garden and planning things/trips out to keep myself entertained. I think partly because he was horrible so it was a nice change to do things for myself, at my own pace. Things are very different now...

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Old 18-05-2019, 03:42 PM   #17
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I can see why it would have felt better to be on your own at that point. Do you think you'd be confident enough to add some small trips or new activities to your life so that you'd have sort of novelty again? I'm sure you're very used to your routine and it might be so automatic almost that you have loads of time to think about how you're feeling etc.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 18-05-2019, 04:30 PM   #18
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I probably should plan to do more things and yes, too much time can be a bad thing but equally doing too much is a bad thing too.

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Old 18-05-2019, 07:10 PM   #19
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Yep, I know people talk about figuring out a balance but that's often not so easy. If you think you have too much time to yourself as it is now maybe you could very gradually increase the activities you do and see how you feel.





I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.


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Old 24-05-2019, 06:47 PM   #20
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How about us lot on discord?



Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. I tried groups, didn't work out just made my depression a lot worse.

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