Recovery/recovered but still hold onto suicide safety net?
The last time i harmed was July last year. I am well into recovery and i no longer feel suicidal every day. In fact i seldom feel suicidal these days at all. I feel well more than ill and i like it.
I still have enough medication hidden away to ensure that i never wake up again.
The thought of taking it makes me feel sick. The reality of doing it gets harder and harder as the real life consequences and the collateral damage become more and more real. I am no longer a suicide risk.
However, i cant throw it away or better still give it to my therapist who still wants me to.
I find it comforting knowing its there. Does that sound weird or wrong?
Im wondering if anyone else who is in recovery still holds onto their ultimate escape or is it just me?
Im not expecting many replies. Only a few will remember me and i know this section of RYL is deathly quiet. I have no where else i can say this to anyone and i just wanted to put it out there.
If you have read, then, thank you.
Love to you if i know you.
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I don't think that sounds weird or wrong, it sounds very understandable. I have no intentions of killing myself ever, but I know where and how I would end my life if I needed to, and every time I'm near there I think of it, just fleetingly. I think you can feel more confident to give things a go and live life to the full if you know that there's a solid way out if you change your mind. Just a kind of safety net so you don't have to be afraid of eternity. I also think it helps life seem less daunting- knowing that there's a lethal overdose that you're not taking means that living is a choice and that you're in control. If that make sense?
As long as you keep the medication locked away/hard to get to and aren't prone to dissociative/other episodes where you might end up taking the medication, and that you would know where to go to seek help if you did start feeling constantly suicidal, then I don't see a problem with having them as 'comfort', if you are viewing it in the sense of "I'm not going to do it, but I just need to know that I could".
I remember you. I'm glad to hear how much things have improved for you. Sadly I'm far from recovered, but I do understand storing pills and it making me feel safe. The fact it's comforting is not weird at all. Maybe one day you will be able to get rid of them. Maybe it will take a while talking it through with your therapist. I'm sure you will get there. Look at the progress you have made so far.
I wish I could give you advice to get rid of them, but I understand how hard it is. I think its something you have to work through with your therapist.x
What you are doing isn't weird, its a matter of survival for you. To keep going, you need to know you have something tucked away to make it all go away. Its a weird sense of irony that only we can share. You do what you have to go on. Its neither right or wrong, its what makes you feel better.
I think I remember you but I have just returned.
It's not strange to want to keep them. I still have blades hidden and I haven't cut in over 5years. They are hidden safe from my daughter but I can't get rid of them. I need to know they are there, but like you real world means I cannot allow myself to go back to that. I occasionally am tempted but I never will
Don't worry. Keep safe and congrats on making it this far
...I try to outsmart him, but somehow he knows,
Wherever I am, that f***ing dog goes... - Dog, Andy Bull
No matter how bad things get, the true test is how we choose to respond to the pain we suffer, or inflict. - Amenadiel, Lucifer
Why is the path unclear,
When we know hope is near
Understand we'll go hand in hand, but we'll walk alone in fear
~~Margo is my penguin 🐧!!! ~~
I have often wondered how the "seniors" of ryl are doing. I came to visit and read so many encouraging stories as well as those that would have made me run to my tools. At time, I believe having the net of safety of maintaing a stash of tools, pills, booze, whatever choice of si is relatively normal on the side of activity. I see it in a few ways: 1st, saving it could prove own strength of recovery. 2nd could prove one is not ready to move on to recovery, yet I do not believe that all will be totally recovered. 3rd shows lack of confidence in self of proving recovery, one still belives one will have control over the final breath. 4th one has pesce of choice to cohtrol thoughts and actions...
may not make sense, but I have items to hinder life. I have a powerful fear of using my stash. Building strength to leave relationships. A sense of power ovet self...why I have tools with me syoll. It has been six months since last injury...I think about life and death on a daily routine, choosing to not use, but still have, shows great control....
lovey,
Rainy
I don't think it's weird. I have a blade chilling in my desk drawer. Haven't used it in a while, and even then not very often. But I like knowing it's there. I don't need to hoard pills, only because I'm on enough psych meds that I have a medical reason to keep enough to OD on... otherwise, I'd probably have a similar stash.
I don't, however, keep booze in my apartment, when I'm not drinking. For one simple reason: I can't. If it's there, I'll drink it. Having the pills, but not taking them shows the next level of recovery beyond simply getting rid of them. I can do that with pills and blades, but so far, not with alcohol.
And there may not be much advantage to getting rid of them anyway. Especially for adults. For younger people, they may not have any say in getting rid of them, or in buying more (when you're 15, and can't let drive to the store, or pay for much yourself, if you get rid of something, that's it, and your mom might decide to throw them out on your behalf... but for us older folks, it would be easy enough to just run to the store and buy another bottle of whatever, and for the most part, no one is going to get rid of them for us). But for adults, who have such easy access to various "supplies" at local stores, it could easily end up that you just spend money on things, give them to your therapist, then spend more money on the exact same things the next day... in which the net result is nothing more than a waste of money. If you need them, you need them. One day you won't. But until then, there's no need to keep buying more every week or two, especially if you don't feel you're actually going to take them.
Emily
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