I ended up taking some zopiclone and slept for a little while.
Feeling really unwell today, I feel weak, everything hurts. I don't know what I have done but my ribs on my left side hurt a lot and I can't lay that side, hurts to take a deep breath.
I just feel broken.
Wasting away in my bed.
So I just cancelled my appointment at the CMHT because I passed out and cannot physically get there, I am to weak and exhausted. So they respond saying that they will review how to move forward from here implying I will just get discharged.
I literally and being left to waste away. My suicide attempts never work so maybe this is the way I'm going to die.
I did. I told her I had passed out and cannot physically get to the appointment. They know I haven't been eating and just tell me to "keep my fluids up".
I'm going to call my GP in the morning and tell them I'm not safe and I need to be hospitalised. I have to or else I will die and I know that. I cannot stay safe and I am too embarrassed to turn up to A&E again for the 4th time this month.
I'm too humiliated to go to A&E, honestly, I've been so many times this year I am probably just seen as a nuisance.
I didn't even manage to call the doctor.
My CC is in training today so not available but I feel like texting him because I can't face calling the community team. I don't really know what to say that I haven't said before and it's probably going to fall on deaf ears anyway.
I'm sorry they're offering you so little in a way of support. Could you try calling your GP today? It sounds like you really need something put in place to keep you safe right now.
Perhaps it won't be anything you haven't said before, but please try to keep reaching out, even just texting your CC.
Take care,
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I did it, I text him. The most Frank think I have said ever...
"Hi (removed)I know you are in training today but I needed to send a message and don't feel able to talk on the phone.
I am not safe. I am not functioning, the pills I ordered online came yesterday and just to get some kind of sleep I had to double dose them. I am overdosing on laxatives everyday, even if I haven't eaten and if I have eaten I feel horrendously guilty. I can barely walk a few steps without feeling like I'm going to collapse and I have spent the past 2 weeks pretty much in my bed. I couldn't attend my appointment with (removed) yesterday because I could not physically walk there, if I had the money I would have got a taxi for the short journey but I didn't have any money either. I'm not avoiding the appointments, I waited 7 months to get any kind of support and I would have attended but as I explained to (removed), I passed out not long before I called to explain. I spoke to my mum last night who has said that she expects a call any day now to say that I am dead either due to not eating, self harming or that I have actually committed suicide and that hurt. She even called the crisis team a couple of weeks ago and was disappointed at the lack of concern.
I don't know what will help, I don't know how to get myself out of this and I am too embarrassed to go to A&E for the 4th time this month, only then to come home and be back at square one. So I don't really know what the point of sending this message is, but I know if I carry on this way I will be dead before the year is out. I guess this is my last opportunity to say that I so want help and I know I need help but I don't even know where to begin as I cannot even perform the basic things to survive right now. I'm sorry this is long, I am unable to vocalise this any other way at the moment."
I'm scared.
I don't know if he will read it today or not.
First of all, well done for writing that to your CC. I'm sure it wasn't easy but by the sound of it I think it was necessary.
I'm sorry things are so hard and desperate right now. I sincerely hope he is able to help.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
No one from crisis team cant see me until tomorrow morning. So my family have had to go and I am sitting in a chair all night. My anxiety is through the roof. I have my pills on me, I want to take them and just get it over and done with. I'm so done.
I've been here for 3hours and have at least about 14 to go.
My family got me my iPad and headphones and they have given me my meds and a reclining chair so I may get some sleep I hope.
Have taken my meds and head phones are in.
I hope I get some sleep.
I hope you've managed to get some rest love. I am so proud of you for going to hospital and staying. I hope the crisis team actually do something useful. Are your family coming back to be with you?
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
No they are not coming back.
I've slept most of the night because I had some more sleeping pills in my bag so took them.
I've just seen crisis team who don't know what to do with me, so they just asked me to have bloods done and then will come back when the results are in. I don't think they want to admit me to IP.
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