Until recently, I haven't been cutting for two years. There has been so many times during those years that I wanted to cut, since I didn't forget the relief I received from doing it, but I somehow managed not to do it.
But last month I couldn't ignore the urge to do it anymore. I was in a very depressive mood that month, and I knew I would feel better very soon after I cutted. So I did it. I promised myself I would only do it that single time, and that I for the next two years wouldn't do it again. But the promise to myself isn't valid anymore. I was cutting last week, I was cutting yesterday, and I did so this evening.
I feel very stupid now that I couldn't resist the urge to do it last month. But the worst part is everyone are thinking I really have stopped cutting two years ago, and part of me want it to stay like that. I don't want them to find out that I re-started. They will worry about me or be very dissapointed. I especially don't want my dad to find out. He means so much for me and I especially don't want him to be dissapointed about me. But even I am dissapointed about myself.
I don't want them to know about the truth that I started again, but I also feel horrible that they don't know the truth, and I'm lying to them. I really don't know how to deal with this... Another thing is that I don't feel the need to stop it again. I would really like to know what your thoughts are on this situation, and what I should do.
Last edited by Sillyyy : 24-02-2013 at 11:10 PM.
Reason: Added slightly more text
Firstly i think you did an amazing job not to SH for 2 years.
It is very easy to slip back into SH especially because its so addictive and because it helps it would make sense that you don't want to stop right now.
i would really say to give it a really good think though about whether you feel that you dont or do want to stop again so that you can make the decision of what you really want to do.
Also, can you try to figure what you did instead over the past 2 years when you wanted to SH and what helped you? If you can work that out it might help to use that to distract you if you do feel that you want to try distractions.
I think although you may be worried about people being dissapointed in you, i think its important if you feel comfortable enough, for you to speak to someone about it because i feel like you could get more support now to help you and i think its a lot more preferable to them finding out lets say 6 months down the line... Was whoever you told last time supportive of you?
How would you feel about just starting to talk to one person about it, who's not your dad if you dont want him to know.
Take care xx
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
I'm glad you replied~! I've been thinking about what you've written.
I think what made me not doing self harm in the last two years was me thinking to myself "I haven't done it for almost one year", "I haven't done it for almost 1.5 years", and lately "I haven't done it for almost two freaking years!". I was probably using these 'milestones' as a motivation not to cut. And now that I passed two years without cutting I might have seen being able to cut again as some sort of reward that I've been waiting for. I didn't feel guilty about it because it has been so long sine the last time. But I feel different about it now obviously.
I told a friend at my school last month that I had been cutting again. I know she is caring about me, so I convinced her that that I won't do it again. "I didn't do it for two years so I am able to control it". I know I can talk to especially her about everything, but saying to her that I've been cutting more times lately than just that one time, when I convinced her it wouldn't turn out to be a problem, is not something I feel good about.. I have friends online as well I can talk to about this, but they are worrying about me if I do. Especially since they can't do much because of the distance between us. I don't want to make them worried.
I don't know if I really want to stop now that is has started again. Or more like if I actually can stop cutting again. I missed receiving this feeling of relief I receive from doing it. It haven't been more than 7 hours since my last cut, and I already started to feel the urge to do it..
Part of me wants to stop cutting again because of my friends and family, and the other part of me prevents me from stopping because of the good feeling cutting gives me.
Hmmm, i totally get that milestone things about the fact that you've not done it for so long means you can't mess it up.
So can you think back to earlier on when you hadn't got to any big milestones yet (obviously even a day or is amazing, but do you get what i mean?) how you coped with urges
I think you should be open with your friend in school and because she is caring rather then keep it from her do you feel you would be able to talk to her about it again?
Also what about going to your school counselor about this, and you can check what the confidentiality policy is before if you are worried they might tell your dad.
Do you know what the trigger to your SH is? its really important to try and manage what is causing you to SH to.
Its really up to you if you want to stop and maybe you can also talk through whether or not you want to stop with someone because they might have more perspective/ be more objective on the situation? But just know that you CAN stop if you choose to, and you have proof because you've stopped before. You did it once and you can do it again.
*hugs*
Last edited by DontLookUp : 26-02-2013 at 10:24 PM.
♥ .I'm going to fall like I don't need saving. ♥
...My smile's just the armour I built when I was alone...
There was some part of me that hurt so badly, that I wouldn't ever be able to forget it.
It faded but the memories could bring it back any second, keeping me in the moment.
It would never fully heal. I could never really be free. I could never really be fixed. Now I just have to work out how to live whilst being broken.
I feel like I'm dying.
it is hard to give up the good feeling that comes right after harming... but what are the bad effects that harming brings? sometimes we forget those until we are so back into the habit of cutting that it is really hard to get out again. for me, cutting made me really secretive and guilty, it made me ashamed of myself, i stopped being social, it lowered my self esteem and self worth, i felt powerless and incapable and helpless... all of those are pretty terrible feelings that self harm brings... when i'm feeling like i want to give in to an urge, thinking about the negatives helps me keep things in perspective so that i don't harm.
you can stop cutting again, and it will be easier to stop now than in another week or month...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.