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Triggering (SI) - Infants leaving forever
Last summer and this summer I volunteered in the NICU of a hospital. It's in a world known pediatric hospital and only the sickest of the sick babies go there to be helped. I knew this when I started.
What I didn't know was how attached I would get to all the babies. There were some that I honestly would hold every single day for 2 or 3 hours. The very first day that I was in the NICU I held this one baby that I knew was going to die. The minute I picked her up I knew she was going to die. There was a baby this summer, he wasn't supposed to die. His twin died several months earlier but he was supposed to live. He went from being transfered out one day and the next day him being hooked up to more machines then you could count on both hands.
All of them. They all fought so so hard. So many of them have died though. The ones who went home, the ones who were strong enough to pull through, I don't know how they are now. I'll never forget them, but they wouldn't know me if they saw me.
There was one baby, he would cry non-stop until I held him. He wouldn't even stop for his aunt or grandma. At nine in the morning the nurses would ask for me by name to come hold him. I planed his future, mostly involving trampoline. He was my little monkey. He's home now, but I wish I could know how he is.
I was watching a tv show. It was a documentry out of the hospital... I knew 1/2 the babies on it, all of whom had passed on. This isn't even the first time this has happened. I found out one of my oncology patients passed away through watching tv. We aren't allowed to have contact with the patients/famillies outside the hospital so it's no ones fault. That little girl from oncology, I thought she beat it. I thought she was healthy.
I don't even know how I feel right now. I'm like numb.
I want to SI but I can't do that to their memories.
I can't ruin it that way.
I don't think I'm safe.
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