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Old 29-02-2020, 11:52 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: UK
I am currently:
Contains abuse - Plans for leaving

So. I am stuck in an emotionally (mostly) abusive relationship.

*If* you know me IRL and I honestly can't remember who is here and who isn't - please keep this to yourself, the last thing I need is a rescuer running in and making **** complicated. Feel free to PM (here only) if you want to check in or whatever, but overall I'm safe, but I'm tired.

DH is in therapy for perpetrators, I am in partner support. We're both trying to break the cycle of past trauma. He does have redeeming qualities, there is love there, otherwise I wouldn't be here.

Change is happening, but slow, and like all change, we have days where things go backwards.

Last night went way backwards.

And now, for the first time in a long time I am thinking about leaving. If this doesn't improve, if responsibility isn't taken, if I just can't bear to look at his face anymore.

I think I need contingency plans. I have emergency plans. But I need help thinking about how to do the leaving if its needed.

We have debt, and moderate income - the debt is enough that month to month we just about break even, but we scrimp, and if an unexpected bill arrives we're screwed.

How do you afford it?

What happens with selling the house?

What happens with custody?

Just - where do you start?

Any advice/past experience appreciated, I may update periodically with my own plans.

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Old 08-03-2020, 05:03 PM   #2
I always have a choice
Pi.R^2's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: sitting this one out in the safety cupboard
I am currently:


I'm afraid I don't have much advice so apologies that this won't be very useful.

Is your partner support program confidential, so that you could ask their advice on making plans for potentially leaving? I'm guessing those plan might involve a refuge or crisis house, where hopefully they would be able to advise about the financial and legal aspects of moving forward.

I imagine you've already heard of it, but this page suggests that the National Domestic Abuse helpline would be a good port of call for helping you decide on the next steps.

With regards to custody I'm guessing that with you being the victim of abuse, you will get the most favourable arrangements; maybe it would be useful to think about what sort of custody arrangement you would be hoping for.

We’ll find a way to fight it, we always have.
It's not how tragically we suffer but how miraculously we live.

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