How can I fight this?
I'm going to try and not make this a rant as i've ranted elsewhere, if it turns into a rant please feel free to ingore the ranty bits.
When I saw my psychologist this week I had written in my diary that the best thing to do to protect my brother would be to kill him. We spoke about it and I told her it was just a thought and that there was no way I would act on it. I have been having thoughts like this for years and have never put my brother in any danger. I care about him too much. Yesterday my psychologist phoned me and said I needed to come and talk to her and my psychiatrist today about what I had written.
So I went today, my OT was also there and it felt like three against one. No matter how many times I said my brother is safe they weren't listening. They decided that I need to be assessed by a forensic psychiatrist and that we need to get together again, along with my brother, to let him know what is going on. I have always been very protective of my brother and have too close a relationship with him so the things that hurt him hurt me more because I know he's hurting. I don't tell him what i'm going through because I don't want to be responsible for causing him any distress. A few times I have spoken to him about things and it's left him worried and feeling powerless which in turn makes things harder for me. One time I cried on my birthday and told him that things weren't good for me and he said it was the most horrible thing he's ever seen. I don't want him to go through that again.
I told my psychiatrist etc that I would do anything except tell my brother things but no matter how much I pleaded with them and assured them of his safety they said that they disagreed with keeping my brother out of this and of course thought that they had the right opinion. They don't know my brother or what our relationship is like. This has the potential to tear us apart and make things overwhelming for my brother. They said I don't have to say something like he should be careful because I might stab him in the back, but I should let him know that sometimes I feel very distressed and think the best idea is for us both to be dead. They said I can choose what I want to say (although they will probably ammend it) but they want to be in the room when i'm talking to my brother and i'm terrified that they will say things that I don't want my brother to know.
They won't let me wait until I see a forensic psychiatrist and then if they say my brother could be in danger then i'll consider talking to him, they say that getting another assessment will take time. They've let me home though, and my brother says he might come over tomorrow to stay for a while because he wants a quiet place to study. I'm 100% sure that no harm will come to him while he is with me. I don't have the physical or emotional strength to cause him any harm. I understand that the professionals have to be careful but they haven't listened to me at all and just want to cover their own backs. By writing this I have just thought that it might be helpful for me to have an advocate. Do you think they would be able to help? Any other suggestions?
Thanks in advance.