Step Child Struggles with Parents and drug abuse

[Randi_Layne]

I have a fiancée that has two children with another woman he was with for 14 years. They struggled for years before their separation with drugs. He wanted to get clean, she didn't, she started cheating for drugs and one day finally took off and didn't come back that time. The kids are seeing her more now than when we first got together. To best understand I need to lay down some facts...

When she left, my fiancée went through a lot of trauma and depression. He cried a lot, she still had rule over him and would come back asking for money all the time which he would give her because he couldn't say no and he ended up in debt with his bills and rent and lost his apartment. Because he was doing so bad over everything, he gave their mothers mother temporary guardianship until he could get himself together. Since me and him got together he is better but he is working on a stable job and home still. The mother was still into drugs really bad and they never seen her. The only time they seen her is when she came around looking for money for drugs because she ran out. She has gotten better and is looking for a job, she does no drugs but smokes weed which is legal here medically. Because weed is a new thing to the world to be legal and used medically, when she came over for easter because she didn't have money so we bought stuff for her to give the kids and had easter here, she said something about weed to us and her daughter who is 12 flipped out and got mad and thought her mom was only her for weed which wasn't true, when she tried to talk to her, she only freaked out more, didn't want to talk and wanted her to leave. in her head her mom is still into drugs and thats all she cares about which isn't true. what do we do? how do we talk with her about this and help her through? the mother has trouble talking to her about it because she says things a little too blunt. i feel like she doesn't need to sugar coat but she could find a better way to word things so she could understand. any suggestions on how the mother could talk to her about this and us on our side as well?

[Pi.R^2]

Wow, it sounds like you, your fiancé and his kids have been through a lot with this woman. Honestly I don't think it's unreasonable that her 12 year old isn't ready to forgive her yet. If she really is off all the drugs, that will probably continue to become more apparent in her behaviour and over time I imagine her daughter will believe that and have confidence that she's off the drugs for good. In the meantime I guess if the daughter does say something which implies that her mother still takes drugs you and your fiancé can gently remind her that her mom doesn't take drugs anymore but I don't think there is much more than that you can do. At 12, you are starting to know your own mind and having an opinion forced upon you (your mom doesn't take drugs, you should trust her now) makes you less rather than more like to believe it!