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Old 29-12-2014, 12:24 AM   #41
Pi.R^2
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I am crazy, noisy, large (tall at the very least!) and wherever I go, mess just seems to appear all around me without me even noticing myself being untidy, and J has never laid a finger on me, or shouted at me or thrown things at or near me. There is never an excuse for abuse. If he couldn't handle anything of the things you did, then he needed to break up with you, not hurt you.

People rushed to make him feel better either because they didn't know about how he's hurt you, or because they are bad people, not because what he did was right.



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Old 29-12-2014, 01:10 AM   #42
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Hearing it like that really puts it into perspective. That's given me a lot to think about. And I can really relate to mess just appearing!

And I imagine T hasn't exactly told people he hurt me, and I've been keeping it quiet because I don't want him to lose all his friends, so it probably is just that they don't know I guess then. Sometimes I'm tempted to tell his friends about it, but that feels mean so I probably won't.

I printed out a whole page of kind words from this thread for my happy folder tonight, so I can look at them when I feel bad about it all. :)



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Old 29-12-2014, 01:17 AM   #43
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People that abuse and manipulate will usually put the blame on you rather than on themselves.

I'm sure I am a nightmare to live with, I'm messy and don't see the mess. I'm clumsy, I am crazy and at times difficult to be around. My partner doesn't throw it back in my face. My sister is mild mannered, clean, tidy, the exact opposite of me and her husband behaved horribly towards her. His behaviour was all on him. End of. Just as your former partners behaviour
was all on him. It is never acceptable.

It takes time to regroup, and rebuild yourself after leaving such a relationship. Stay strong, day by day things will start to get better. It's been a while since my sister left her husband and the change and growth in her has been a slow and steady progress but those early months were tough. Try not to have too many any expectations on yourself.



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Old 29-12-2014, 09:11 PM   #44
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Thank you for your kind words, and I'm glad your sister's doing better now.

I hope it does start to get better soon. I'm lucky in that there are very few other pressures on me at the moment - my degree is part time and I don't have a job, so I have a lot of spare time that I can use as "down time" in bed if needed. But then I just feel like I'm wasting the days away. I dunno. I guess it's just a difficult balance to find.



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Old 29-12-2014, 09:52 PM   #45
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Time spent gathering thoughts, resting and relaxing is not wasted time!



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Old 29-12-2014, 10:24 PM   #46
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It sort of is when that's almost all you do though, surely...? :/ Like, I hate the idea of "productive" time, but I'm just not doing anything with my days at all at the moment. It's kinda getting boring, but I'm out of idea for things to do.

Also Jenna, I hope it's not too much to ask, but could you switch the title around to "Support for CountingCastastrophes (Fi)". I'm worried about T coming on to the boards lately, and at the moment it puts "Support for Fi..." onto the main forum page when this thread is most recently updated. I don't know if that makes any sense or if I'm just being paranoid...?


Last edited by Kleiner Angsthase : 29-12-2014 at 10:49 PM.


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Old 30-12-2014, 06:27 PM   #47
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Once a thread has been open for a while it's not possible to change the title I'm afraid. If you were really worried, we could get this one closed and you (or I) could make another one with a less identifying title? Let me know what you'd prefer!



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Old 30-12-2014, 09:36 PM   #48
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Maybe Fi can report it and the mods can change it?



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Old 30-12-2014, 11:39 PM   #49
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That's alright, I don't want to make any trouble! I guess I haven't said anything that could hurt me if he knew I'd said it, and I'm probably just being paranoid. But thank you for all the suggestions, and Lana I like your new username :)

I've not heard from T since I emailed him, though I did find out he's been changing his Skype status to all sorts of song lyrics and messages aimed at me, and I hadn't noticed any of them for the past month. Oh well.

I'm thinking of talking to my MHA about some of the physical abuse, as I haven't told any of my support network at uni about that, but the memories are messing with me and I'm getting nightmares more frequently, so it might be helpful to talk to someone about it? I don't know. I just want it to have never happened really. I'm angry that someone could use fear against another person like that, he knew I was frightened of so many things already and just manipulated that and it makes me so angry and upset.



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Old 31-12-2014, 05:58 AM   #50
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Talking about it sounds like a good idea. It is very destressing and can even be traumatizing to experience any kind of abuse. Working through how you feel about it could be a huge help when trying to move on.

That sounds very childish and manipulative. Ignoring T and cutting contact seems like the way forward and I'm glad you're managing to do what is good for you. If he keeps playing mind games like this it just shows how desperate he is to have some kind of power over you. His problems are his to fix and the only responsibility on your part is to keep yourself safe from him. You‘ve been doing really well with that. I'm incredibly proud of you <3

Thanks, I'm enjoying my new username too :P



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Old 13-01-2015, 12:17 PM   #51
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Sorry for bumping this again, but I foolishly got in contact with T again, he keeps pushing video calls on me, and it's really messing me up.

He's basically of the opinion that his only purpose is to be with me, and is adamant that that's going to happen. I've repeatedly said that I just want us to be friends at most, and he gets incredibly upset every time I say this, and has had me promise not to say anything "discouraging". He has had to go to A&E for self-harm since we previously spoke, and pretty much said if we don't get back together he'll try to kill himself.

When I recounted the physical incident that was the deciding factor in me leaving him, he swore it never happened and got really upset at even the idea of him hurting me. This is making me doubt my own sense of reality as I have a very vivid memory of it happening, but now I'm scared it was a false memory or some sort of hallucination.

I really don't know what to do now, as I'm scared that saying how I feel (that I don't love him anymore and have no intention of a relationship with him) could result in him hurting himself, and although I know that's not my responsibility, I'd still feel very guilty. But I don't want to put up this friendly charade anymore as it's really damaging my mental wellbeing and I'm very scared that it'll end up with me being back with him when I really don't want that.

So, does anyone have advice for this train-wreck I've gotten myself into? My usual response would be to ignore him, but it's hard when I know he might hurt himself if I do that.

Sorry if this post makes little sense.



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Old 13-01-2015, 01:51 PM   #52
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This might come across a bit harsh.

You're a very abusive relationship by the sounds of it - dump him and avoid any further contact with him. Look into non-molestation and restraining orders. He's manipulating you into staying by using emotional blackmail. It's very common in abusive relationships, where the abuser makes all sorts of threats to stop you from leaving. If he chooses to harm himself, that's the choice he and he alone made. It's a very, very, very common threat that abusers make.

By making you doubt your own recollections he is gaslighting you. You HAVE to trust your own judgements to resist gaslighting. It's not easy and abusers have an uncanny knack of making you feel like you imagined things. It's how they retain their power.

If you think that he might harm himself, call the police and have him arrested for his own protection. If he is genuine, you might do him some good and if not you'll have called his bluff and hopefully made him realise that you know he's a pathetic little tosser.

For your own safety and health you need to sever any and all connections with him irrevocably.

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Old 13-01-2015, 05:03 PM   #53
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Harsh is ok, it helps because my instinct is to run as far away as possible, and people backing that up helps.

He's actually my ex at this point in time fortunately, but I will avoid further contact. I don't know if things will escalate to the point of needing a restraining order, but I'll do some research anyway.

Thank you for saying it's gaslighting, I thought it might be but wasn't sure due to the nature of it! I'll try to trust my own judgement.

I don't know if he'll actually try anything, but he lives with his mum and she's apparently been quite good at calling the paramedics on him lately. He does need some sort of psychiatric intervention I think, but that's not really my responsibility at this point.

Sorry, I'm kind of rambling to myself at this point. But thank you for the reply, it really helped assure me this isn't all in my head! :)



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Old 13-01-2015, 07:38 PM   #54
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It's definitely not all in your head and avoiding contact is definitely the best idea at this point.

I think it might be helpful to send him some sort of final message saying that you would not like any further contact. It could be worth giving him the number for Samaritans and saying that you will not be responding to messages from him and don't feel able to support him if he shares suicidal thoughts. If ignoring his messages would be difficult, you could block his email address, delete him from facebook etc.

His mental health is definitely not your responsibility and he has him mum keeping an eye on him anyway.



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Old 13-01-2015, 09:36 PM   #55
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Jenna said all I wanted to say but I wanted to reply to let you know I'm thinking of you & send you super squishy love & a box of glitter [_]







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Old 13-01-2015, 10:41 PM   #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pi.R^2 View Post
It's definitely not all in your head and avoiding contact is definitely the best idea at this point.

I think it might be helpful to send him some sort of final message saying that you would not like any further contact. It could be worth giving him the number for Samaritans and saying that you will not be responding to messages from him and don't feel able to support him if he shares suicidal thoughts. If ignoring his messages would be difficult, you could block his email address, delete him from facebook etc.

His mental health is definitely not your responsibility and he has his mum keeping an eye on him anyway.
I think a final message would be good too, as it gives us both some closure. I might give it a few days just to get my head together and work out what to say. And giving him the Samaritans number if needed is a very good idea :)

I probably would have to block him afterwards as I'm not good at ignoring messages I've received. I'm currently having to stay logged out of Skype so I don't read the messages he's probably spamming me with, which is a bit of a pain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EyelinerAndCigarettes View Post
Jenna said all I wanted to say but I wanted to reply to let you know I'm thinking of you & send you super squishy love & a box of glitter [_]
Thank you for the love and box of glitter! :D I shall do my best not to get any glitter in the carpet!



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Old 13-01-2015, 10:59 PM   #57
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I know this might not be the best solution and it may be completley irrelevant, but could you create another skype account and share that with friends so you can contact them without having to worry about your ex?

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Old 13-01-2015, 11:30 PM   #58
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That's actually an excellent idea, I shall do that tomorrow! :) Thanks Cat.

I've had one phone call from his mum tonight where I said I didn't want to talk to T, and a call from T himself where he rambled about being worried he'd upset me and I just repeatedly said I didn't want to talk to him until he said goodbye. I feel really shaky. I've unplugged my home phone now and am gonna switch my mobile off for the night.



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Old 13-01-2015, 11:35 PM   #59
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Can you block his phone number or similar?

Sending loads of German love & hugs <3



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Old 13-01-2015, 11:39 PM   #60
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Well done for telling him you didn't want to talk to him, that was super-brave!!

I hope he starts getting the message and backs off. Blocking his number is also a good plan. I think you can block people on skype too?



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