Okay so I really don't like being hugged bar my Mum, Grandma and one other person otherwise I sort of cope, hold my breath and wait for whoever it is to finish the hugging process. But the person who is going to support me to a funeral is a guy. A guy who has been through the same abuse I've been through and he expects me to let him hug me and comfort me (in a nice safe way) but I can't do that... any way of explaining to him it's not him it's just I have a men and general hug phobia without hurting his feelings?
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
Out of curiosity, how do you know that he expects to hug you?
I think if you tell him you appreciate him coming to the funeral with you, but that you aren't comfortable with physical contact, he will understand. Maybe rather than emphasising what you don't want, tell him what you would find most helpful (i.e. standing alongside you, keeping you company when socialising with other people at the service).
I can't go on my own. I can't cope. I have a funeral where my abuser eyeballed me the entire time to remember and I'm not letting that stain this one, hence the need for support. No no he just offered to be there for me and give me a hug if needed in the last text. He is the sweetest nicest person I promise it's just if I end up crying at the funeral he'll naturally go to hug me.
Epicene that is very good advice and I like the idea of telling him what I do find helpful rather than what I don't :)
I actually had a long phone call with him last night and it's all sorted but I really am going to take that advice of telling him what would be helpful not just what wouldn't.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
I know you've sorted this now anyway, but just for future reference, I don't imagine anyone would really be offended if you said you didn't like hugs! Something about my mannerisms made people at work convinced that I didn't like hugs and now everyone asks permission first and it's not an issue at all.
I know many people who don't like hugs and, as a person who LOVES hugs, I don't find it personal but I do sometimes need to be reminded.
As above, I find it helpful to know what someone does and does not appreciate in personal contact. Especially if this person has a history abuse they should appreciate your stance.
But yes, outlining what is helpful (especially if you do start to cry) is going to be useful.
Also, does the guy coming with you know your abuser will be there? (If they will be there this time)
I'm happy to hear they won't be there, that would add a whole nother layer of difficulty. How are you doing
I'm sorry you have to attend a funeral in the first place :( xxx
Is there anything that normally helps with the flashbacks? Grounding?
I am not sure if this would be helpful but I do a dual awareness exercise that I was given that basically is a basic worksheet which runs through what is happening right now but only in basic terms but then helps re-orient you back into the present by helping you work through details of the present moment. Personally it is something that I have found very helpful and am happy to type it up for you if you like.
Did you want to talk about the news you got?
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
It's no problem Aimee I do appreciate have a life outside of my emo woe ;-p
It's not even my news it's someone I know at my support group but it's just really affected me I can't really discuss it on a public forum tbh as its her business.
Kat if you wouldn't mind typing that up I'd be very grateful.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
