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Old 08-05-2015, 02:40 PM   #41
Bellatrix
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Everything is really too much now and my relationship is hurting me because my partner does not hold me. It feels like even just one true hug where I could feel love. I'm sorry. I haven't been here in a long time. The screaming voice in my head has been so much. When outside is safe my head needs to continue this hell. I think about dying a lot.

*hugs* to all. Sorry. I'm so useless *curls into a ball still too big*
I'm sorry you're struggling o much. Could you talk to our partner about how this makes you feel?

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I had therapy today and dissociated afterwards I'm struggling to keep myself safe everything feels quite fragmented and unreal. Sorry.
Can you try grounding techniques,, and sensory distractions. Like something soft to touch something sour to taste, something loud to listen to.

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I don't know how I am really. I recently made a commitment not to self-harm again or consider suicide an option, but I'm struggling with that right now. Blah. But I'm also watching the election as a distraction and trying to distract.
Well done for trying to distract, and for making the commitment not to self harm... that's an amazingly big step. You'e bound to struggle with thoughts even if you've made the commitment not to do it. I suggest distractions like you're using and pros and cons lists about what you want to do.




I went to a hearing voices group assessment today. I talked about the abuse and rape and it was a man and I was alone in a room with him with my back to the door.Things I would never do. But I took a chance and things were okay. It was scary but I did it.

I'm trying to get started on that letter to my therapist about what happened to me as a child but I don't know where to start....




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Old 08-05-2015, 05:25 PM   #42
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Those are crazy huge steps forward J. You should be so proud! You're doing things that a few months ago would have been too difficult to even try.

With the letter, maybe start with a brief outline of the facts and what you really want your therapist to know. Then you can go in an fill in any extra detail, but gently in case it's triggering.

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Old 08-05-2015, 05:33 PM   #43
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Thank you :) I do feel proud today. I never normally feel proud of the things I do.

I think I'll start it with 'i want to tell you what happened to me when I was young' and go from there.Thanks J




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Old 08-05-2015, 05:49 PM   #44
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So proud of you for today J <3 *High fives*

I heard from the police today, they wouldn't tell me what they wanted on the phone but only that they wanted to update me in person on Monday, I'm supposed to be going away for a night at the Zoo on Monday though & everything is now truly ruined by this latest nugget of information. I don't know how I'm supposed to cope now & being away Monday & Tuesday/How I'm supposed to enjoy myself, I'm struggling with the flashbacks & thoughts & urges & I was so looking forward to seeing Monkeys at the Zoo & now I know when I speak to the police its just going to be all about them & what they did & how I can't have any fun because I'm contaminated.







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Old 08-05-2015, 06:27 PM   #45
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Oh Helen, what poor timing. I really feel for you. But please try not to think your time away will be ruined; it might actually be a safe, positive respite for you. I know you're going to struggle to look forward to it but once you're there you may well find you still have a good time. You're not contaminated, and you deserve to have a life outside of mental health and the misery that these awful people have caused you.

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Old 08-05-2015, 06:45 PM   #46
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Thanks so much J <3

Does anyone else find getting undressed/bathing/showering difficult? I always feel so vulnerable, I have a habit of sleeping in my clothes & only shower when my Mum is in the house because it makes me so anxious/triggered. Just wondering if I'm alone in this?

<3







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Old 08-05-2015, 06:53 PM   #47
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No you're not alone. I bathe with severe anxiety. I do it because I know I need to fight it but it still causes me anxiety.

I feel safer with Jenna in the house and if I'm having a particularly bad day she will come sit in the bathroom whilst I have a bath.


Recently it's been more than just vulnerability. It's my body. I hate it. It's shape it's fat. I've gained weight and that makes bathing difficult too.




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Old 08-05-2015, 07:19 PM   #48
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I also find it very difficult to shower. I hate not having clothes on and very exposed and horrible. You're not alone.

Today has been very hard. A lady in group spoke very openly and graphically about being abused, sexually and physically. It brought up very painful memories and feelings for me. I had a panic attack in the toilets and dissociated. I lost quite a bit of time and bought bad stuff which I gave to jocelyn. I feel very fragile and triggered and voices are bad.



Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot

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Old 08-05-2015, 07:39 PM   #49
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So glad I'm not alone, but at the same time, so sorry that you both have to go through the same thing I do *cuddles*

I'm really proud of you for giving the bad things to Jocelyn, Emma. *squishes* I'm sorry you're feeling so terribly distressed. Are you able to try any distractions to help with the urges? Are you able to stay around Jocelyn or someone else in order to keep safe?, Remember that you're wonderful <3







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Old 08-05-2015, 07:41 PM   #50
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Emma well done for giving the bad things to Jocelyn. I'm super proud of you.
What do you think you could have done differently to avoid what happened? Hypothetically? <3




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Old 08-05-2015, 08:07 PM   #51
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I'm not having a great time of it. I'm struggling to accept the fact that my abusive boyfriend got away with what he did to me. A so-called "mate" has done nothing but blame ME for the abuse I suffered. That louser and an eejit also racially abused me as well as blaming me because I'm gay.

Some "mate" he turned out to be, he's on my ex's side. That's hurt me more than the abuse I suffered from my ex to be honest. My family (parents and brother) have told me that it's not my fault but it's hard to accept that when other people blame you.

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Old 08-05-2015, 11:23 PM   #52
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Well done for giving the things away to Jocelyn Emma, that's brilliant I'm proud of you for doing that. Can you keep yourself safe tonight? Take care.

Helen, I'm so sorry to hear what awful timing that is for you. I really hope you try and have a lovely time anyway <3 I feel really anxious while showering too sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly bad I shower in a swimming costume as it makes things a little easier for me. I know this isn't always great, but I don't know if that would help you at all. I'm not sure if it's a body thing though or a past thing.

dbus-daemon, i'm very sorry to hear what happened to you, that sounds incredibly distressing to deal with, especially when your friend wasn't very supportive. I understand how hard it can be, but try to ignore what others are saying, it wasn't your fault. Can you reach out to your family for support? Take care.




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Old 09-05-2015, 04:13 PM   #53
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Thanks J. I don't know. He has been sick with the flu this week and in an awful mood so feel scared to say. I'm just exhausted. Mentally and physically

*hugs* Helen- you can do it with the zoo trip. It is YOUR trip- not theirs. Your mum knows about what's happening?



So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn

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Old 10-05-2015, 05:22 PM   #54
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Thanks guys, My Mum & Nan are both coming away with me & know whats going on, just gotta get through tonight & I'll hear from the police in the morning.. Eugh!

Hope everyone is OK <3







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Old 11-05-2015, 09:44 AM   #55
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Good luck Helen.

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Old 11-05-2015, 10:18 AM   #56
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Struggling a lot lately with flashbacks and like I think they're called body memories where I actually hurt you know.:-/
Its horrible and it all got worse again when I got a letter last week from a psych nurse to come for an assessment this thursday to talk about starting therapy and I've had to fill in a whole like 4 page long questionaire to bring which is quite detailed questions and its just all tipped me over the edge.I feel so tired of myself



"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back so shake him off."

"What others think of me is none of my business".

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Old 11-05-2015, 01:17 PM   #57
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I'm not having a great time of it. I'm struggling to accept the fact that my abusive boyfriend got away with what he did to me. A so-called "mate" has done nothing but blame ME for the abuse I suffered. That louser and an eejit also racially abused me as well as blaming me because I'm gay.

Some "mate" he turned out to be, he's on my ex's side. That's hurt me more than the abuse I suffered from my ex to be honest. My family (parents and brother) have told me that it's not my fault but it's hard to accept that when other people blame you.
That's awwful, I'm so sorry you've been through this. Can you try and make a list of the reasons your're family are right? Because they are, this is not your fault.

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Thanks guys, My Mum & Nan are both coming away with me & know whats going on, just gotta get through tonight & I'll hear from the police in the morning.. Eugh!

Hope everyone is OK <3
Good luck pumpkin. I'll be sending love.

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Struggling a lot lately with flashbacks and like I think they're called body memories where I actually hurt you know.:-/
Its horrible and it all got worse again when I got a letter last week from a psych nurse to come for an assessment this thursday to talk about starting therapy and I've had to fill in a whole like 4 page long questionaire to bring which is quite detailed questions and its just all tipped me over the edge.I feel so tired of myself
Bod memories are the worst, I'm sorry you're experiencing them.
Sounds like that questionnaire was quite triggering for you. Can you do some elf soothing things to help you feel a bit better? <3

I can feel the man inside me. He's possessed me. This brings back abuse memories and body memories. I feel unsafe and I have an exam today. I've taken lots of prn and had a cup of tea which has helped.




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Old 11-05-2015, 05:14 PM   #58
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Memories, voices and dissociation have been quite bad.
Sorry I haven't been supporting much but I'm thinking of you.
Does anyone have any tips for preventing dissociative episodes? They're starting to get quite dangerous again.



Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot

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Old 11-05-2015, 08:12 PM   #59
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Generally dissociation increases in response to pressure/stress, so anything (like self-soothing, reducing your commitments, mindfulness) that you can do to reduce that is likely to help somewhat. Also putting protective factors in place like making it hard to access harmful things or money when you're dissociated can help.

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Old 12-05-2015, 01:14 PM   #60
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Originally Posted by Lavalamp. View Post
Memories, voices and dissociation have been quite bad.
Sorry I haven't been supporting much but I'm thinking of you.
Does anyone have any tips for preventing dissociative episodes? They're starting to get quite dangerous again.
I find grounding things helpful. Jenna bought me some super sour sweets which physically hurt me they are so sour. But they bring me back quite well. Maybe you could look into that.

Also recently i've found writing things down helpful. Like:
i feel spacy
i am goig to dissociate
i see things around me the red paper, the pink can, the giant bear..

and continue doing that as it keeps you in the present.

love you, you're doing so well.<3




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